Maturity
by Bananjo
Summary: AU: Kendall Knight lives a difficult life, though he can't deicide whether his ex-best friend Logan Mitchell is the solution, or just another problem. Drug use/self harm/ slight jatie
1. Kendall Knight

**A/N: HEY GUYS. New story, yahyah. This first chapter is sort of slow, as it's just introducing the dysfunctional mess that is Kendall Knight. It gets better.. I mean Logan IS a drug addict. I'm excited to write this, I think it'll be fun.**

**As far as updating, I can't promise, but I'm pretty sure there'll be a new chapter every other day.**

**Review & Comment and what not! Thanks for reading!  
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><p>Kendall Knight reclined in his grandfather's chair, letting his eyes unfocus as he skimmed the last few pages of an outdated, pop-culture magazine. He tried to at read the last of the "who wore it best" critiques, and shook him self each time he began to doze off. He couldn't help it, though; Not only was he exhausted by the dedication senior year required, but he also hadn't slept in weeks. It wasn't that he was up until two in the morning, injecting him self with heroine and dousing his liver with alcohol like the norm of his generation. He wasn't partying, dancing vibrantly, grinding against the crotch of an under age girl, as went everyone else's excuse. In fact, Kendall woke up at 5:30 each morning, to get him self and his sister ready for school, then tried his hardest until 2:05. Hockey practice began at 2:15 and ran up until 3:20, giving him 10 minutes to spare before his evening shift at the local grocery store. He was tired, because he tried.<p>

It was Kendalls first day off from work in what he assumed to be at least six months, with the exception of Wednesday afternoons, which were reserved for his therapist, and all the Jewish holidays his grandmother made him take off. He bagged groceries and scanned eggs until 9 at night, the purple bags under his eyes only dropping farther as he returned home, and began to unload the text books from his school bag.  
>He did his homework, finishing somewhere in between 10 and 11pm, and then he'd walk sluggishly to the kitchen to collect any remains of the dinner his grandmother prepared. Kendall would bring the food back to his bedroom, and talk to the friends that were still awake at this hour on Facebook chat until around 1 in the morning, which was usually the time went to sleep.<p>

Kendall hated work. He hated school, he hated waking up at such an uncivil hour of the day. He hated all his responsibilities he hated all his commitments, and though his entire life had consist of unrewarded labor, a small dab of hope overwhelmed the back of his brain, insisting that one day all the good he put out into the world would come back around. He understood that sitting on his couch each day would land him no where, and he knew that the only way to progress, would be to push. Kendall was a rare hybrid of drive and potential, but his therapist credit his maturity to his traumatic childhood.

His mother had been in school to become a nurse, during the time his father had been diagnosed with liver cancer. He had died long before Kendall had graduated Kindergarden. The death was almost as abrupt as the diagnosis.

Kendall recalled coming home from school one day to see his mother, draped over the kitchen table, her tears clinked as they hit the glass frame of a wedding picture she held in her white hands.

"Oh," She breathed, looking up to her son as he walked through the front door after the carpool let him off at his mailbox. Kendall wore a blue baseball cap over a thick shag of yellow hair. As a five year old, he stood on his tip-toes, and the top of his head could hardly touch his mother's long waist.

"Hi Mom," He said, quietly, tightening his grip on the red back pack straps that fell over his shoulders. He hadn't seen his Mr. Knight in weeks, as his mother had stopped taking him to visit his father in the hospital, after it was guaranteed he was on his death bed. Kendall knew his father was sick, though he couldn't understand why the doctors had such a hard time fixing him. He had only been to the hospital for one other occasion, and he had emerged in a matter of minutes, with a Scooby-Doo bandage wrapped tight around his middle finger. Maybe they were out of bandages, and thats why his father was gone for so long.

He missed him so much, it hurt, though. He badgered his mother night and day, desperate for his return.

Eventually, he stopped asking, though, as he saw the strain his "Where's Daddy's?" were having on the poor woman. "I don't… Kendall, please." She would say. When Kendall's mother stopped responding all together, he had the feeling that he shouldn't ask anymore, as she sincerely couldn't answer.

The moment he walked in that day, he sensed the tension. He knew what had happened the moment their eyes tied. _He's gone,_ He concluded.

Mrs. Knight tried to look at the boy, but the green eyes her husband had given their son stared sharp into her flesh, making her skin burn, making her heart race even faster.

"Is Daddy…" Kendall began, catching him self as he felt his eyes water. _Aw man,_ He thought, bitterly.

She threw her head back into her arms and sobbed, until Kendall climbed the narrow stair case up to his bed room. His mother sat at the kitchen table as she did that day for the next few months, unable to move her self, unable to find the motivation to continue her life.

"Mommy, I drew this picture in school today," Kendall said a first grader now, and almost an inch taller. His mother tried to smile. "It's a picture of our family." The small boy unrolled the long piece of construction paper, only to reveal a crowd of stick figures, standing on a poorly drawn heart. He referred to the brightest of all the characters, which was drawn with pink and orange crayon, his personal favorite colors.

"It's you, there," He explained, beaming with pride at the minuscule portrait. Mrs. Knight bit her lip, "And it's me, and it's baby Kate, and it's Daddy-" And then his mother threw her face into her hands, and howled, soaking her blouse with salt tears. Kendall looked to the woman, mortified.

"Mom," He said, his voice soft and desperate. Her head bounced in acknowledgement. "He's gone, but I'm still here." She tried to look to the son she'd neglected for about three months, now. He wanted her to hug him, and scoop him up into her arms, rock him back and fourth and tell him that she loved him.

"Mommy?" He tried again, his voice quivering. She couldn't. The following week Kendall's grandmother moved in, as his mother was in no condition to look after a 6 year old, and a three year old. She needed to focus on fixing her self, before she could care for anyone else.

About two years later, Mrs. Knight passed away, from what Kendall believed to be a broken heart. He tried not to cry, as he knew that if he began, he would never stop.

Kendall could only piece together fragments of Mr. Knight, and hope his interpretation of the strong, gentle young man had been accurate. Though he was young, still he remembered riding on his fathers shoulders, buying corn dogs in the park. He remembered holding a baseball bat, and attacking the ball his father had thrown as if he were playing a violent round of golf. He remembered the man's laugh, his dimples, the vibrant, lively green eyes he inherited, that made his heart sink every time he looked into a mirror. He prayed his memories weren't deceiving him, as he wanted nothing more than to believe his father had loved him up until his last day on this earth, unlike his mother, who gave up years before she left.

Kendall and Katie had moved in with their maternal grandparents, who lived in a shabby condo-complex in a different town, a month or two before his mother had been permanently admitted into the hospital.

11 years later, and Kendall still hadn't adjusted to this uncomfortable, dysfunctional way of life. It wasn't that he didn't love his grandparents; he did, of course. He sincerely believed they didn't want to be parents, again, especially after they'd already begun to research senior homes. The pair was dangerously close to their mid 70's, and seemed perpetually exghauted, even from the time the kids were smaller. Kendall only hoped they had left himself and Katie a significant amount in their will, if they were planning on dying any time soon.

Kendall finally gave in to his body, and allowed him self to relax though he should have spent his day more productively than he had. His first day off in 6 months, and he spent it watching television, and making mental remarks about Britney's whacky attire. Though the comments were witty, he hated feeling as if he'd wasted an entire day, especially while he could have been doing something else. Anything. As Kendall began to drift off into a well-deserved sleep, letting the magazine slide down his stomach, and fall off the chair.

Hardly a minute later, the hunched silouehtte of an elderly woman posed in the door frame.

"Kendall?" She called, pushing the door open with the side of her body, as she clutched an unattractive, floral purse to her chest. The woman had thick, oval glasses that consumed the majority of her shriveled face. She had fluffy hair, that lay in curls at the top of her head, and she was plump and stout, and wheezed as she spoke. "I've got groceries in the car. You know I can't carry them." Kendall repressed a sigh. His first day away from "paper or plastic", and his grandmother decided to visit the supermarket.

"Coming, Gramma." He mumbled, pushing him self from the recliner, bitterly cursing the irony.  
>"Oh I know," The old woman laughed as her grandson huffed past her. "I know, it's so hard being Kendall. I know, Kendall hates his life. I know, I know." She teased, amused by his reluctance.<p>

Kendall didn't hate his life, though he certainly agreed that it could be easier.


	2. Bruises and Bingo

**A/N: Ahh! I'm so happy! After one chapter, the story already has 9 alerts. My other story has 16 alerts.. and 11 chapters. I feel awesome.**

**THANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL THE POSITIVE FEEDBACK! **  
><strong>I LOVE YOU.<strong>  
><strong>This chapter is a bit slowish. We're still establishing everything that's going on in the Knight's household. We begin to find out a little about Katie, and the problem's she's going through. <strong>  
><strong>LOGAN. Is not here. He will be in the next chapter, though. <strong>

**As far as updates go, a new chapter will be posted every other day, sometime after 6pm. **

**KEEP READING.**

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><p>Before going to bed that night, Kendall set his alarm clock to 5:30am. He threw his shirt into the sea of dirty laundry that engulfed his floor.<p>

"G'nite Katie," He called, crossing his room to shut the door. Kendall looked to his clock, surprised to see that it was only a few minutes after 8pm. _A new record, _He thought. He crossed the floor and closed his closet, as to protect him self from monsters that may other wise make their way into his room as he slept.

"G'nite Katie!" He tried again. Kendall stepped out of his dark, torn jeans, and briefly walked around his room in nothing but a checkered pair of boxer shorts. Within the mess, he found an over sized sweat shirt, the name of his father's college embriorded on the front, and slipped it over his head, clothing his body. He scanned the ground for a pair of pants, though gave up fairly quickly.

"Katie?" He called again, opening his door only a crack. Aside from the constant woosh of the attic fan, the house was quiet.

"Katie?" He said again, bringing his voice up to a shout. Though it was late, he needn't worry about the volume of his voice. Besides their grandfather, who went to sleep at 6pm and slept through World War 2, Katie and Kendall usually had the house to them selves, during the week night.

Their grandmother was the Bingo-chairman, and left the two alone in the small condominium Monday-Thursday, between 5 and 9pm. "It's the only thing I have to look forward to," she insisted. As the longest standing member of the Bingo Club, Gramma Knight earned the privilege of handing out the playing cards, calling the numbers, choosing the prizes… She would also schedule the games, and distribute calendars to all of those who participated. While the event took place at the local church, she urged everyone to participate, as she insisted that "your beliefs, body type, or amount of skill couldn't influence your game." She believed it to be the purest of sports, and most rewarding of activities, so obviously her heart broke when Kendall and Katie threw them selves at her feet, and begged;

"Please don't make us come!"

"But it's Bingo!" She had explained. Didn't everyone love Bingo?

"But we don't like Bingo!" Their Grandmother looked as it someone had just accused her of putting cat food in her meat loaf.

"I…"

"Please!"

"You're missing out…" She had threatened,

"That's fine," They said, knowing that once their Grandmother walked into the Bingo hall, her sadness would be replaced with the thrill, the odd rush of adrenaline the game gave the old woman.

"Katie?" Kendall called, walking out into the hall, in his sweat shirt and underpants. He kicked her door open, only to find the quiet shag rug stretched neatly across a wooden floor, a twin bed pushed against the corner of a room, and a painted dresser that towered, parallel. "_Katie?" _asked Kendall repressing his panic. He ripped his phone out of the sweat shirt pocket, and tried her cell, immediately hearing an obnoxious series of bells and beeps go off. Her phone was charging above her dresser, facing Kendall's back.

"Damnit, Katie." He surrendered. He was over reacting. He usually wasn't home at this hour, any way. It was rare for him to be home before 9, let alone ready for bed at 8:15. Though he knew Katie was too responsible to get her self into any sort of trouble, he decided he'd wait for her return, nonetheless, as he felt a moral obligation to ensure that his baby-sitter got to bed. He wasn't worried. Katie was usually on her computer, in the dark of her bedroom, by the time he'd walk in every night after 9. Kendall then realized he had no idea what was going on in his baby sister's life, at all. _Maybe she's always out at this hour._

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><p>At 9:15, Katie slowly closed the front door behind her, as she walked into the condo complex. She hurried up into her bedroom, stripped down to her underwear, then discarded of her clothes as quickly as possible, by shoving them into the back of her closet. She flicked on the sole lamp that stood on the side of her dresser, and admired her neck in the mirror. Two round spots ran up either side of her throat. She let her fingers linger on the bruises, before she worked her way down to her chest, her arms, her stomach…. Every part of her body revealed a thick, purple blotch, of every shade and size.<p>

"God," She breathed, mortified. Outside her door, she heard footsteps, immediately recognizing them as Kendall's.

"Katie?" He called, for the tenth time that night. She quickly wrapped a blanket around her body, and went to greet him at the door, as she knew he would interpret her response as a "Come on, in!"

"Hi Kendall!" She said, as nonchalantly as she could manage. Kendall breathed a sincere sigh of relief, though he knew his sister was in no real danger. He pushed on her door, trying to let him self into her room.

"Where were you-"

"Ahp, no, not dressed!" Katie leaned her body against the door, slamming it in her brothers face. He jumped back,

"Oh… sorry." He pressed his back against the wall opposite her room, and watched his feet as they tap against the floorboards.

"I was just out, with friends. Homework, and stuff." Katie explained, loudly, so her brother could hear. He nodded his head, though he knew she couldn't see. Why had he been worried, again? Katie was 14. She didn't need someone looking after her 24/7, watching her every move. It wasn't even like she was home late. It was after 9. That shouldn't be a problem.

"How'd you get home?" He asked, his concern decreasing. Katie frantically scavenged through her make up bag, trying to find a color that matched her skin well enough to hid her bruises.

"Friend dropped me off,"

"A friend?" Asked Kendall. Katie was only a freshman; she shouldn't have friends that have cars. Katie heard the disapproval in her brothers voice, and as she rubbed her neck with foundation, she tried to revive her answer,

"Ah.. friend walked me home, I mean. She lives right up the street, no big deal." Kendall rolled his eyes. He needed to stop being so over protective.

"Oh. Well, if you brought your cell, you could have called, and i could have come to pick you up." He said, staring up into the ceiling, his arms crossed behind his back. He and Katie had a very business like relationship They never fought; they only disagreed, and compromised.

"It's fine, Kendall." She said, wishing the boy would go to bed already so she could address her blotches in peace.

"How was the rest of your day?" He continued. Katie rolled her eyes.

"Fine." She was startled by how rude that sounded. Sheepishly, she added: "…And… How was work?"

"I didn't go, today," Kendall said, proudly, unfazed by her bad attitude. "Gustavo just hired a new guy, so he gave Carlos and I the rest of the week off."

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah. He's pretty twisted." He breathed, "He let all the other bag-boys go home, to see if the kid could handle being the only cashier for the rest of the week.

"It's Thursday; that's not so bad."

"The rest of the week as in today and tomorrow. In market standards, that's like a year. I personally think it's a terrible idea… but I can't complain. I got to catch up on my…"

"Breathing?" Katie tried, knowing her brother never stopped for a moment.

"You know, it's the first day I've gone to school and come straight home in about three years, I think. He's never given me the day off before. When ever I ask for one, he laughs. Then he belches, and walks away. The week of my SATS, I asked for a shorter shift. He made me trade with another kid for the 5pm to midnight."

"Your boss is nice." She said through clenched teeth as to prevent her self from moaning. Kendall laughed.

"The nicest." He replied, feeling a yawn begin in his throat. "I'm going to bed. Want to come out and give me a hug?" Katie groaned, not only in frustration, but in pain. She couldn't believe the pain she was in.

"How about I give you two in the morning?" She tried. Kendall gave in, only because he felt as if he would fall asleep on his sister if he didn't crash, soon.

"Fine, I'll remind you. G'nite Baby, Sister." He said, happy that she was alright. He was terrified by the thought of his sister in high school, and even though the first few months have proven fine, it was only November, and he wasn't ready to let down his guard. He laughed at him self, and his paranoia. She was going to be fine.

"G'nite Big Bro," She returned, the guilt in her voice obvious, even from behind a closed door. She breathed onto her hand, letting her eyes water as the fading smell of smoke overwhelmed her senses. Katie coughed, trying to clear her throat, trying to rid her self of the toxicants in her body. _What a night,_ She thought.

She picked a long red turtle neck and a roomy pair of slacks to wear to school tomorrow, hoping if they were covered, the bruises would go away. _Never again. _


	3. Palm Woods Porn Shop

**A/N: Hi! Thanks for all the feedback guys! I really do love it! ... Ready to meet Logan? He's a jerk. You've been warned.**

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><p>Logan Mitchell watched as the Knight siblings crossed the school parking lot, Friday morning. He touched the burning butt of a cigarette to his partially peeled lips, and breathed through a set of flared nostrils.<p>

"Fucker." Logan breathed to himself, as he watched the taller boy bend to hug the freshman under his shoulder,

"_And where's the second?" _He heard him complain through a toothy grin. He watched the girl roll her eyes tiredly, then squeeze her brother around the waist for a second time, before skipping towards the front doors of the school, playing off the pain he knew she endured as best as she could.

James had called him around midnight the night before. When Logan looked to his phone to see his best friend's number plastered against the front, he laughed, giddily. He knew a late night call from James was usually a prelude to a drunken conversation, and he loved to play with his friend while he was intoxicated.

"Palm Woods porn shop, may I take your order?" He tested. Twice before, a smashed James had fallen for Logan's joke, and placed an order for half a dozen blow-up -dolls.

"What?" James asked, on the other end of the phone. Logan laughed,

"Hi James," He replied, dropping the shtick.

"Logie! Jesus Christ, you're never gonna guess what!" James exclaimed, his voice uncharacteristically sober.

"Oh. Ok, what's up?" Logan replied, making no effort to conceal his disapointment. Unless his friend had something crucial to say, he wasn't particularly interested in a midnight conversation.

"I'm gonna give you three guesses." He said, lightly. Logan could hear him smile.

"James, I'm not going to guess…"

"Do you want a hint? You'll never guess, I swear you won't. I'll just tell you, ok." James gushed, aberrantly enthusiastic. Logan anticipated a sex story, as he imagined nothing else could make a person so excited.

While Logan, similar to most boys, found the concept of intercourse thrilling and exhilarating, he actually talked a bigger game than he played. "Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I love when they do that…" He would ad-lib whenever the topic was brought up.

At 17, Logan was a secret virgin, as he had deemed himself too emotionally unstable for sex. As of now, he'd had countless opportunities to be with ridiculously attractive, sexy women, who he easily could have loved, and left, no problem.

To start, he had little interest in woman, as he had openly identified himself as a bi-sexual. His friends didn't care. Though he'd kissed both boys and girls before, he had never felt a connection with either gender, which resulted in his miserable self diagnoses of asexuality. He believed in all sincerity that it was possible to hate everyone.

In all honesty, Logan desperately wanted to save himself for someone_ he _found beautiful, inside and out, opposed to society's definition of sexy, or attractive. He wanted a meaningful, important relationship with someone, and he wanted to drown in the overwhelming feeling of desire that would develop and progress over time, then finally explode in an incredible act of mutual passion and lust. The idea of sex wasn't nearly as exciting as the concept of love making, to Logan Mitchell, though if his friends found out how sensitive the stoner was, their level of respect may be so dramatically reduced, that he would need to go off and find new friends.

"I don't know, James," Logan replied, rolling his eyes. He heard the phone rustle in the back ground, followed by the howling of a wild animal. He assumed James was out on his balcony.

"Well," He said, over the sound of Minnesota's night life, the crickets and loud, flickering street lights. "You'll never guess what I did tonight," Logan had assumed as much,

"I had mac and cheese for dinner—" He contributed,

"I fucked Katie Knight." Logan felt his jaw drop, slightly.

"Who? Wait, the freshman?"

"Yehp," Said James, popping the "p". Logan found the fact that James had had sex far from news, but wasn't James above seducing 6 year olds?

"That's gross."

"What?" James asked, obviously stunned by Logan's lack of excitement.

"That's illegal."

"Most things we do are illegal." Logan had to agree. _Weed, graffiti, loitering… They weren't the best kids out there._

"Katie Knight? Wait, isn't she…"

"Yeah," James replied, predicting his friend's next question. "Kendall Knight's sister." Logan was stunned.

"…Why?" He asked, slowly_…What would _anyone_ want to do with the Knights_? _Judgmental family of bastards ._James laughed,

"Well," He said, loudly adjusting his phone. "We started talking on Tuesday, and I brought her home this afternoon."

"She slept with you after two days?" Logan asked, incredulous.

"Have you seen me?" James asked, only half jokingly. He _was_ attractive—in fact, the boy perfectly fell into society's definition of sexy, which he seemed perfectly aware of.

"I don't get why you would…" Logan started,

"I don't know, but that's not the important part." He interrupted. Logan listened, patiently.

"The thing is," James began, again. "I actually think I might like her." Logan didn't try to repress his laughter.

"You like Katie Knight?" _Would that be considered ironic? _He could hear James's head bob up and down on the other line,

"Yeah, I think so." Logan waited, feeling as if there were going to be more to the story. After a few moments of deep breathing, James bluntly announced that he had also gotten her high.

"Why?" Logan asked, his interest increasing.

"I asked if she'd ever done it before, and she said no, so I told her there was no time like the present because she knew she'd do it eventually, and then we had sex, and then I drove her home."

"Like a perfect gentleman." Logan retorted.

"You know she was a virgin?"

"You said she was a freshman. I figured as much."

"Yeah."

"…So, why do you like her?" Logan asked, skeptically. James had never had a girlfriend before. To some degree, Logan felt that James was also waiting for someone to give him chills before he committed… but to a lesser extent, of course, as James had sex several times a week.

"I don't know. She's really pretty. Have you seen her eyes? Her eyes are amazing." Logan cringed. He knew the Knight's had beautiful eyes. He didn't want to talk about it; he didn't want to think good thoughts about the family.

"You've hooked up with much prettier girls, before…" He said. James pursed his lips,

"I don't know, I don't know. She's so… cool. And she's really smart. She gets things, you know? I don't know, she's just cool. I can't explain it." He continued.

"Ok," Said Logan, distantly. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. "Listen James, it's really late—"

"Do you think I should ask her out?" He blurt. Logan shrugged,

"You do know how a relationship works, right? You only get to have sex with her. You can't go around sleeping with other people if you've got a girlfriend." He could hear the gears in James's head slow,

"Oh." He said, gradually, thinking as he spoke, "Yeah. I can do that. I think I should ask her out. I can commit to her. I do like her." Logan pictured James with his arm around the freshman that he hadn't seen since she was in the 6th grade. He couldn't remember if she was as pretty as James had described, though he imagined that if she were related to Kendall Knight, she couldn't be too unattractive. He remembered her being border line brilliant, though she barley ever spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me you two talked?"

"I didn't think anything of it. Her locker's next to mine and I said hey. I didn't think we'd end up in bed together." If James had said this in any other context, Logan would have believed it to be a lie. James only spoke to girls he knew he could seduce.

"Right," Said Logan.

"I'm gonna sleep on it." James decided. "I'll let you know what I'm gonna do before anything happens though."

Logan pressed the "end" button, and briefly wondered how he could tolerate the selfish boy. Then he remembered that James had been his absolute favorite of the friends he'd made within his "bad-boy" clique, and tried not to laugh, in fear that his chortles would turn to tears.

He didn't hang out with these kids because he found them particularly stimulating. Though Logan was one of the highest ranked students at the Palm Woods High School, his social skills rated at about a 2 out of 10. Because of his overwhelming vocabulary and ideas, his unique perspective, his blatant individuality, Logan Mitchell generally repelled people, more than attracted him, so when a kid offered him a blunt the first day of sophomore year, Logan was just about ready to do anything. Since then, he's learned to repress his intelligence and individuality, and go about his life as if he cared about nothing, which was painful and depressing for someone of such emotional immaturity. The only way to achieve a social rank was to walk about as if you cared for nothing, and no one. His GPA had gone from a solid 3.8, down to a .96 in the length of a single school year. He began to drink, and smoke, and party as regularly as he showered, and his new schedule was more strenuous and dull than it was liberating, though once he had begun, he knew he would never have the ability to quit.

Previously, Logan had been the absolute target of ridicule- he was so desperate to fit in, to gain respect from his peers, that he succumbed to peer pressure instantly, oblivious to the long term effects he would later have to face.

In a single year, he'd gone from an honors student, to a stoner, who more than often came to school intoxicated. Once he'd dropped his academic aspirations, the bullying ceased, the high expectations he was held to disappeared, the stress of being perfect vanished, and he no longer qualified as an outcast within the High School community, though that was the only word he could currently use to describe himself. Now that he didn't care, he was accepted; even envied, something he'd never been before. He felt the bitter override the sweet as he watched his dreams of becoming a doctor drown in a pool of vodka and soda pop. His social status sky-rocketed, and suddenly everyone wanted to be his friend. To maintain this level of fame and esteem, Logan had to learn how to repress everything. He had to pretend his parent's disappointment didn't kill him; he had to pretend that he didn't respect his authority figures, his teachers, his education. Though his entire life consisted of a charade, he somewhat liked the relaxation that went along with slacking. He liked being accepted, and even though his life had hit an absolute rock bottom, he knew he was stuck and he had to make the best of his popularity, as he had no idea how to revive himself after he'd lost his way. That was why he hated Kendall Knight. Whenever he thought about how badly he had messed up, how much he had wasted, he wanted to die, as he knew this hadn't been God's intention. He this wasn't supposed to be the extent of his potential.

Kendall Knight served as a constant reminder to the fact that he'd never be good enough. Kendall Knight kept Logan Mitchell up at night, leaving him to contemplate and loathe himself, leaving him to try and figure out ways to become a better person, to redeem himself, to climb out of the bottomless abyss in which he'd fallen. Kendall Knight made Logan miserable, though the two hadn't spoken since Logan joined the opposite side of the social spectrum.

Logan desperately wanted to be someone Kendall could respect, but the fact that he made him aware of all these complex truths only made him angry. Most of all, Logan loathed the boy, as he knew that no matter what happened, they could never rekindle a friendship that was once so strong and genuine, and the idea of growing off of that friendship, creating something greater and more meaningful, was an absolute fairy tale… especially since Kendall was 100% straight.

Before Logan had given in to peer-pressure, he and Kendall had been the best of friends. Logan had yet to come to terms with his sexuality, though he knew he undeniably adored the boy. He always envied the boy's strength, as the boys were bullied to the same extent, though Logan had a much lower level of tolerance. He would go home and cry, and Kendall would take it upon himself to comfort and fix his friend. When Logan and Kendall were both offered a blunt, Kendall laughed, and tried to dissuade his friend,

"Come on Logan… You don't actually want that, do you?" Kendall had been strong enough to walk away, without looking back, but Logan sought the blunt to be his golden ticket out of ridicule. Over time, the friends learned to loathe one another, as Kendall tried desperately to reach his friend before he fell farther, and Logan tried to convince Kendall that he simply suffered from jealousy. The two stopped talking entirely after a final falling out, where Logan had said some things he wished he could take back today. Kendall was content with ending the friendship, though warned the boy that once he said goodbye, he had no intention of trying to save him anymore. Logan replayed their last conversation each day of his life, and felt his chest inflate and his eyes burn whenever he did so. Kendall only wanted to warn him, to protect him about what would happen if he continued to smoke and talk to these kids. Everything he had predicted and warned against had become a reality, and Logan wanted nothing more than his old friend's guidance.

The only way to cope with the loss, had been to convince himself that he hated the boy, though he felt his heart throb with glee and strain whenever he crossed his mind. What killed him, though, was the fact that Kendall Knight genuinely loathed the boy.

Logan watched as Katie skipped past the pair that morning.

"Hey Chica," James called smoothly as the girl flew by. James felt his face fall as he followed her with his eyes into the school building; she hadn't even acknowledged the fact that he had addressed her. He wasn't used to that; James generally was the one who gave the cold shoulder, not the precipitant.

"Should I follow her?" He asked, incredulously. Logan shrugged, his gaze still on Kendall. _Maybe I should talk to him._ He contemplated, as he did each day.


	4. Gustavo's Emails

**A/N: HI! Sorry this is so late- I've been busy with doing things and stuff and what not, and I had a terrible case of writer's block. As far as updates go, i WILL be following my every other day thing better, as I've got the next few chpters done. Please read and review, your responces make me feel awesome. Thanks guys! **

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><p>Kendall tried to replay the day's events, as he prepared for a dull weekend. He had hugged his sister early in the morning, met up with Jo before the first bell rang and then let the girl copy from off of his trigonometry test, eaten a grilled cheese for lunch, and then made an unenthusiastic dash for the door, three periods later.<p>

"Going to work?" Asked Jo, as she followed her friend through the front of the school building, and out to the buses, 2:30 on that Friday afternoon.

"New guy," He explained, simply.

He wondered briefly if the new guy had made it through his first few days at the store, then shrugged it off, realizing it didn't matter, as a cashier wasn't difficult to replace.

Jo nodded, then hissed under her breath. Jo had worked alongside her friend in the market for about four days before she was let go. During the first few days, she'd been left on her own, and surprisingly, it hadn't been the most difficult part of the experience. Gustavo waddled through the back door, then lay a long, meaty arm along her conveyer belt, towards the end of the second day,

"You're still alive!" He exclaimed, letting some woman's groceries roll along the black belt, then hit against his forearm. Jo nodded, nervously. He bit into the white of his lower lip, and tilted his grin,

"You're on shelf duty, then." He decided. Jo felt her heart re-inflate as her friends, Carlos and Kendall, entered the shop through the same back door. The boys, after working their since their freshman year, generally worked the register. They tried not to laugh as they watched the pretty girl lift heavy boxes over her head, drop cans and trip, fall and pout and huff.

"Gustavo," Kendall tried, realizing his friend had had enough, "Why don't Jo and I switch tasks? She's great behind the counter, anyway." Gustavo ignored the teen, and walked out for the rest of the day. Two days later, he called Jo into his office and told her to get out of his sight, as she and Kendall had been trading jobs without his consent.

"I just cringed, I swear." Jo said, half jokingly, to her friend that afternoon. She hugged her text books tight into her chest, and stepped towards her bus,

"Bye, Kendall," She called. Kendall waved, and then turned to find himself at eye level with James Diamond, hardly a foot separating the two.

"-Hi," James blurt, caught entirely off guard. Kendall laughed, James's discomfort overwhelmingly obvious. His laugh was a hybrid of offense and indifference.

"Hey," Kendall replied, dryly. In the corner of his eye, he saw his sister, hand in hand with one of her debate-club friends. The pair skipped past the afternoon crowd, sharing a broad smile.

"Katie!" Kendall waved, looking past the pretty boy. James turned abruptly, as to follow Kendall's gaze, startled to see the kid's sister approaching. He'd tried to stop her at least a dozen times during the course of the day- The chase was tiring, though it certainly did stimulate his desire. He had her cornered, now- she'd have to stop avoiding him. Katie released her friends hand, and let her back pack bob against her side as she pushed past the throng of hurried students. James licked his lips, unconsciously, then let a thick hand sooth the stray hairs on his head. Kendall watched the boy stand before him, disinterestedly. He only knew James from sight, along with second hand stories and rumors. Kendall had been positive that the two had never been formally introduced.

James led the pack of Palm Woods stoners, and had actually been the one to hand off his blunt to Logan. The two had been inseparable from the moment their paths crossed, and Kendall immediately decided that the two weren't worth his energy, and went his separate ways.

"James is throwing a party, tonight…" As would begin each of Logan's sentences, after he began eating lunch with James and his crew under the old tree in the parking lot, that was stained repeatedly with the misshapen prints of a cigarette butt, and colorless graffiti tags. "… You should think about it," He would end, cooly, leaving the sentence to linger in Kendall's mind, as it was more a suggestion than an offer. The blonde had never even considered pursing his friend's proposal, as he knew how easy it would be for him to capitulate, to fall into the alluring abyss of marijuana and unprotected sex.

It wasn't that his Grandparents wouldn't let him attend; the only restrictions they had put on the kids, had revolved around television use, as his Grandfather had no other means of entertainment, and often would sit in his reclining chair for days at a time, settled on the same TV station, entirely unaware of the programming, though apeciative of the back ground noise. Kendall and Katie didn't mind, though; television was one of the last tools they used to occupy their time.

"Hey, Katie." James smiled, revealing an impressive row of artificially whitened teeth. Katie's stomach lurched, as she settled against her brother's side, obviously not expecting to find the boy she'd been avoiding the entire day standing parallel to the blonde. Katie remained emotionless, feeling the bruises that stained into her flesh thump repeatedly, as if they had a heart beat. Kendall looked to the boy, who stood a few inches higher than him self, then back to the girl, who was smaller and obviously anxious.

"You two know each other?" Kendall asked, sensing the shared tension. James waited for the freshman to reply, uncharacteristically skittish.

"N-No," Katie lied, involuntarily throwing a hand onto her side and rubbing at the red fabric, to settle the throbbing wounds she remembered to exist. She wanted to forget the other night had happened. Wasn't that how it worked? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, sort of thing? She thought that after what they'd done, he'd be too embarrassed, ashamed... proud, to approach her again… She knew she certainly felt that way, as far as humiliation went. While James had made her feel beautiful, she had been fully aware of the fact that she'd been taken advantage of, while too unstable, intoxicated to create her own decisions. She understood that what had happened the other night could never re-enter her mind...

The biggest, most mortifying aspect of their night together, had been the fact that Kendall Knight, who had unwillingly been assigned the role of Katie's mother, father, brother, breadwinner and best friend, would fall to pieces if he ever found out that his entire life's work, instilling the correct values into his sister, good judgement and morals, had been decimated within the length of 36 hours. Her stomach churned as she tried to picture her brother's face, upon discovering that she'd been with the boy who ruined his closest friend, smoked weed and welcome the boy in- in between her long, 14 year old legs, too intoxicated to tell him other wise. She could have cried right then and there.

"Oh," Said Kendall, somewhat intrigued. He didn't think much of the fact that James knew his sister's name. Katie was beautiful, Kendall could admit, even as her gay, older brother. He knew his sister well enough to avoid worrying too intensely, as thinking about her following in his old friend's footsteps seemed ridiculous and purposelessly stressful. Still, though, James Diamond radiated a negative energy, that agitated Kendall, even if just at the back of his mind.

"His locker's right next to mine, that's how I know him," Katie resumed, watching James as his mouth opened. She understood that the boy wasn't brilliant. She could most certainly imagine him saying something along the lines of:_ "Of course you know me! Remember last night in my bed? We had sex and smoked weed! Good time..."_

"Oh," Kendall said, again, his nerves a bit more settled. The fact that the boy made his sister uneasy gave him an undeniable boost of reassurance, as he imagined she also sensed the idiotic vibe he let off. "Are you coming straight home, or do you have plans?" He asked the girl. She looked to James, startled to see a look of genuine adoration and patience.

"I was going to stay after for Algebra tutoring... with Mr. White…" She half lied. The teacher had asked her to drop by after classes a week or two ago, as she seemed to do poorly on all the homework assignments that revolved around the slope intercept. While she did need the math help, she knew that she couldn't avoid James any longer, and resolved that it would be best to stay and talk.

"I'll come pick you up, later then." Kendall decided, leaning in to kiss his sister on the cheek. He turned again, weaving in and out of the moving buses, until he had entirely disappeared. Katie watched until his frame became a memory, and then released a long kept heave. James followed her as she walked back towards the school building.

"Hi Katie," He said, breathlessly, as the pair stood alone in the empty lobby. Katie kept quiet, until she approached the outside of a long, closed off stair well. James pushed the door open, and let the girl go in first, before letting himself in and jumping when the door smashed into the frame, the thud echoing for a few moments after. James looked around, taking in the familiarity of the stairwell.

"Ah… don't smoke weed in here," He advised, "Miss. Katcher uses this route to get from her class on the 5th floor to the second. Once she caught me with my pants off, and a lit joint." Katie tried not to laugh. She couldn't determine whether he was telling this story for comedic effect, or if he actually believed this to be good advice. As James finished admiring the stairwell, he let his back lean against the paint stained walls as his arms crossed, and a smug grin ran up the side of his face.

"Hey," He said, smoothly. Katie slouched against the wall, and hugged her self, tight, in obvious anxiety.

"H-Hi," She forced.

"How'd you know about this place?" He asked, still somewhat caught up in the nostalgia.

"Kendall showed it to me. No one ever uses the stair well, and it's nice to temporarily escape the three thousand or so student populace." James nodded, confident that he hadn't recognized the majority of the words in that sentence.

"Yeah, that's cool." He agreed, stupidly. Katie wanted to roll her eyes.

"So," the handsome boy contented, throwing his hair, unintentionally dramatic. "I've been thinking about some things…" _That's a first,_ She said, immediately giving her self a mental slap. She had been so enamored with this boy the night before; now all she wanted was for him to disappear, forever.

"I think I'm considering making you my girlfriend," He smiled. Her eyes became wide. Was that the appropriate way to ask someone? No high school boy had ever shown interest in her before… was that the proper way to come off? '_I'm considering making you my girlfriend?' _Didn't she have any say in this?

"James…" She struggled, rubbing a bruise that lay neatly beneath her sleeve, "I don't know if it's such a good idea for us to be talking…"

"You're right," He said, as he walked towards her. Everything they said, each sound that they'd created had echoed, as the hall had been long and empty and closed off. She heard everything louder, and a thousand times again; Each breath she took, each step he made, each time her heart would bash into her chest…

And then James put his lips on hers, softly. She felt her self pulling him forward, using her hands to grab his shoulders, gently dragging him into her chest. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding Katie tight as his mouth moved on hers. He pulled back, tenderly, flashing a smile so sweet, she felt her face drown in the depth of her blush.

"I-"

"No talking," He ordered, as he leaned in again, with no further intention than to hold the girl against him, and kiss her, kindly.

"Wait," She said, abruptly, as she dug into her pants pocket, then pulled out her phone.

"Who are you texting?" James asked, suspiciously, as he watched the girl's fingers fly over the miniature keyboard,

"I'm telling Kendall that I've found another way to get home." She stabbed at the send button, and forced the phone back into her pants pocket, eager to resume her kiss. James tilted his head, and leaned in again, his lips soft and quiet against hers. _He doesn't need to know... He'll never know. _Katie decided.

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><p>Kendall came home, to find new groceries at the kitchen table, and his Grandfather fast asleep in his reclining chair,<p>

"Grandma?" He called, staring at the bags, incredulously.

"They're replacing you, Kendall," The elderly woman said as she met her grandson, who had been standing in the frame of the kitchen door. Kendall pursed his lips, irritated, instantly

"But... You went to the store yesterday, didn't you?" He asked, curious as to why she had another load of groceries.

"Yes, but you forgot to bring in my dried fruits from the car last night and they all went bad.." She accused, though Kendall was positive it would take a tremendous amount of effort to make dried fruits worse than they already were.

"You bought all new groceries, though…" He pursued, trying to focus the old woman.

"That new bag boy is so good. Aside from my apricots, I didn't need anything, but the boy is so talented, I just wanted to watch him do his job." When ever the lady spoke, Kendall regretted trying, instantly wished that she'd shut up, as she was consistently ridiculous and incoherent.

"Bagging is incredibly impressive." Kendall mumbled, sarcastically. He shook his head as he walked into the living room with his back pack over his shoulder.

"And it's your old friend, too. You know this boy." She continued, though Kendall had stopped listening. "The brunette. He used to be over here a lot. I couldn't read his name tag, because I lost my glasses and you refuse to help me look for them…." Kendall crossed the cheap carpeting and climbed the stairs until he reached the second floor, than walk unenthusiastically over to his bedroom. He sat before his desktop computer, and imediatly logged onto his email, unsurprised to see a message from Gustavo, titled:

_"Work sched, tweaks." _His boss had recently purchased a laptop. After realizing he had no need for it; no interests, no friends to email, no celebrities to stalk, no blogs to follow; he decided to screw with his employees, and send out a blast email at least 3 or 4 times a day. In some regard, it was a helpful resource as their work schedules were now virtual, but on the other hand, the blasts didn't always contain vital information; Gustavo's emails could range from important, to irelevant, to obscene.

Another irritating aspect, had been the fact that Gustavo had no idea how to handle his contact list, so he'd end up sending emails intended for the corporate office to Kendall's inbox, and visa versa. He had once sent the general manager a letter that read: "Dear Dog; Stop leaving your shit in the back room, or you're out. -Gustavo" After an angry reply, Gustavo quickly invented that the email had been intended for his mother, which the general manager took, with no further questioning. The email from today, read:

_**Gustavo here:**_

**_Kendall & Carlos, instead of Monday, come back Saturday. 2 day break long enuff.  
><em>****_Secondly, new kid is staying for now. Did fine, don't hate him yet.  
><em>****_Logan will be taking Carlos's Monday-Wed after school shifts-_**

There had only been the beginning of Gustavo's long, rambling email, but Kendall had to stop and think for a moment. _Logan? Logan Mitchell?_ He wondered. He remembered his Grandmother's brief remarks, then figure he'd find out tomorrow. Logan didn't seem like the person who would take a job at a supermarket... let alone a job. _Logan Mitchell and I are going to be co-workers. _Kendall thought, unable to conjure any sort of emotion regarding the fact. After a few moments of silence, Kendall shrugged it off, deciding he was absolutely unfazed by the fact. It didn't hurt him, it didn't benefit him, why should he respond?

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><p>Logan read that same email from his blackberry at the cash register, Friday afternoon. He hated his parents for making him get a job, he hated him self for spending all his allowance on drugs and drinks, and he hated his boss for giving him an apron that squeezed his small figure so tight, that from the back, he looked like an incredibly curvy, feminine pre-teen. When he read<strong><em> Kendall &amp; Carlos<em>** from the message Gustavo had passed on, he felt his heart explode with anxiety, fear, though over all, excitement. He instantly recognized the Kendall to be his Kendall, as Logan identified the blonde's email adress in a heart beat, fondly remembering the lengthy and virtual conversations the boys would have in their youth. He was excited to see his old friend's email had staid the same, as the fact that he still recognized something in the boy gave him a glimmer of hope. He suddenly couldn't wait for work the next day, determined to talk to his old friend.


	5. Carlos's Eggs

**A/N: FLOOP! I'm adding this chapter since I've been bad about updating. Don't expect another one until Sunday, though. **

**ANYWAY- You'll get to see Logan at his jerkiest, and HERE'S THE REASON WHY KENDALL AND LOGAN STOPPED BEING FRIENDS. **  
><strong>In the next chapter, Kendall and Logan FINALLY start talking, and there COULD be some extremely subtly flirting. <strong>  
><strong>I'm pretty much finished with the long, drabbly back stories, so the stories gonna get interesting, fairly soon. Bare with me. THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT GUYS. It means alot to me, REALLY<strong>  
><strong>THANK YOU<strong>  
><strong>KEEP READING AND REVIEWIN. <strong>  
><strong>MWAH!<strong>

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><p>The bruises on Katie's body had slowly rearranged themselves, after about 7 days worth of being with James. The pain, thankfully, had become gradually less fresh and foreign. She even found herself able to ignore the soreness, abiding by the "out of sight, out of mind" policy, as she now only wore long sleeve shirts, and baggy pants. It wasn't that James was cruel, abusive, violent… James was just extremely well built, strong, and Katie occasionally found herself crushed under his weight.<p>

'Get off!" She would beg, breathlessly. James would pull back, then apologize profusely. He couldn't help but find himself constantly overexcited when he was around the girl, though, and nip her too hard, or hold her too tight. Katie didn't blame him. In fact, she was more electrified than angry, as James had easily been the most beautiful man she'd ever met, and he wanted to be hers, and hers alone. When she told him it was crucial to keep their friendship quiet, James tried not to pout. He wanted everyone to see him with his arm around the pretty freshman, his hand on her waist…. He wanted her to be his, and she wasn't ready for titles.

Katie explained that she needed time to adjust before she could even consider being his girlfriend. James reluctantly accepted.

"But you're still having sex and stuff?" Logan asked, during a phone conversation with his friend, one night. James nodded, forgetting the boy couldn't see him,

"Yea, yeah." He said quickly. James sighed, forlorn. "I feel shitty." Logan couldn't help but laugh, bitterly,

"That's awesome," He decided, inhaling deeply from the butt of a joint.

"How?" James demanded.

"It's reverse. All the girls you've slept with would have died to be your girlfriend. The only one who wouldn't is the only one you want." James sighed,

"And it makes me feel shitty." James lit a cigarette on the other end of the line, and pressed it to his lips, "What about you?" He said, changing the topic slightly. Logan licked his lips, oddly enjoying the burning taste of smoke,

"What about me, what?"

"You never talk about girls," James realized. "What's going on in your love life?" Logan thought for a moment.

He never talked about his love life, because he didn't have one. A few months ago, he had found himself somewhat attracted to Kendall's friend, Jo, as she reminded him immensely of the blonde himself. The "crush" lasted for only a few weeks, as Logan slowly realized he wouldn't want to date someone who reminded him so much of his old friend.

Logan then thought about Kendall. He thought about how much he hated the boy. He thought about how he'd taken him for granted, causing him to lose the closest, longest lasting, most meaningful relationship he'd ever had. He hated himself for pushing him away, and he hated Kendall for giving up on him.

"Or dudes?" James added, slowly. He was one of the few that knew Logan was bi. Logan shook his head,

"Not really," He lied. He thought about Kendall every day, though hardly romantically. While Logan had in fact admitted to himself that, if the opportunity occurred, he would date the boy in a heartbeat, he knew it was stupid and only self damaging to imagine.

Logan thought back to his past week at work. On Saturday, Carlos and Kendall had come to work together, in full uniform that afternoon. Logan watched from behind his cash register, as the boys walked past him to the back room to receive their assignments for the day.

"I said, here's my card—"Repeated a mother of two with a child in each hand, her skinny fingers holding onto her credit card, weakly. The woman had about $200's worth of groceries on the conveyer belt.

"Oh," Said Logan, snapping back to reality. He felt his chest explode with excitement and anxiety, with regret and enthusiasm as he saw the blonde cross the floor, entirely ignoring his existence. To Logan's displeasure, Carlos was sent to work the register next to him, and Kendall was to organize the back room.

"Hey," Carlos said to Logan, entirely aware of the history he and Kendall shared. Logan huffed, too cool to respond. Carlos laughed,

"I was only trying to be polite…" He protested. Carlos and James had a similar story to Logan and Kendall's, as the two had once been inseparable, though today they were on entirely different ends of the food chain.

"Great," Said Logan, quickly. Carlos's eye's bulged. He entirely understood why Kendall wanted no part of the rude teen.

The next few days went similarly. Gustavo had initially switched the three boy's schedules, adjusting and tweaking their plans for the day. Finally, the heavy man concluded that Carlos and Logan would be at the registers for the most part, with Kendall and Logan switching between bagging and shelf duty at Gustavo's whim.

"Sound fair?" Gustavo asked rhetorically, in his email Monday night. Logan couldn't help but frown. He didn't want to work alongside Carlos; he wanted an excuse to be near Kendall. He missed the blonde more than he could put into words. He was the first thing he'd lost after giving in to peer pressure, and the void Kendall had left in his heart was monstrous.

James clicked his tongue on the other line,

"Not really," Logan told his friend, before he ended the conversation abruptly by closing his phone, and pretending the call was lost. He was done with this shit; he needed his friend back.

Carlos and Kendall sat on the floor in Kendall's room, their homework sprawled across the dark carpeting, the Saturday after Logan joined the glamorous world of paper and plastic. That day, the two boys had a morning shift that ended at around one, so they had the rest of the afternoon to themselves.

"And he was literally in the middle of scanning a carton of eggs, when he goes 'Wait, I'll be right back.' And then he stepped outside, and through the window, I saw him light a cigarette to smoke. So of course, I had to finish up what I was doing and take care of the lady's eggs well he's off barbequing his intestines. I can't stand that kid."

"He just left?" Kendall confirmed,

"Yeah! And you know what he said when I called him out on it?"

"I don't," Kendall admitted,

"He was like, 'Nobody asked you to touch the eggs, the lady could have fucking waited.' No she couldn't have! She had, like, a fricking anxiety attack when she saw Logan leave. The poor lady was like 'MY EGGS—'" Kendall found it odd that he felt the impulse to laugh,

"They were his eggs, he should have cared for them." He said.

"So I had to scan his fricking eggs."

"You shouldn't have to scan anyone's eggs, but your own."

"Kendall, let me in" Katie called through an the window next to the door, on the front steps.

"No I shouldn't," Said Carlos, entirely oblivious to his friend's sarcasm. The Latino slammed his text book, immediately regretting it, as he instantly forgot the page number.

"They were his fricking eggs." He said under his breath. Kendall shook his head, as he stood to open the door for his sister.

"Just try not to talk to him too much," He advised, as Katie walked into the condo complex, obviously out of breath.

"Hey Katie," He said,

"Katie!" Carlos exclaimed, hoping up onto his feet, forgetting his frustration. He wrapped his strong arms around the freshman, and she repressed a yelp, as he hugged at her sore, sensitive skin. James had just dropped her off, a few blocks up the street, as he had every day this week.

"Where were you?" Kendall asked,

"Book club," She fibbed. Every single day she invented a new story, though in reality, she had spent each afternoon for the past week in the bedroom that belonged to James Diamond. But if she told her brother this, he would die on the spot.

"Book club?" Carlos asked. "Who would willingly read a book?"

"What book are you reading?" Kendall continued, building off of his friend's question. Katie felt her brain freeze,

"Ah… Twilight?" She said, quickly. Kendall made a face,

"Katie, that's ridiculous," He started. Katie thought for a moment that he could see through her lie. Then he laughed, and she knew she was safe. "What human being would want to sit among obnoxious fan girls, and read about a ludicrous pair of polar opposites, that could never be together in a real world?" Katie smiled,

"So you've read it!" She said, blatantly, before walking away, thinking over her brothers remarks and relating it to her own romantic dilemma. In a perfect world, she wouldn't be sleeping with the boy who ruined her brother's best friend. She wouldn't be smoking weed, and lying to the only person in the world who genuinely cared about her.

"Katie's been doing a ton," Kendall commented proudly, after the girl left for her bedroom. Carlos reopened his text book,

"Besides bookclubbing?"

"In this week alone, she's gone to tutor kids in her class, debate club, staid after with teachers…"

"And book clubbing."  
>"<em>And <em>book clubbing," Kendall confirmed. After a few minutes of silent study, Kendall looked to his friend,

"The one thing is," He began. Carlos put down his pencil, and looked up, "Her locker is right next to James Diamonds."

Kendall watched Carlos's face distort in sheer disgust from the very mention of his name.

"You know," Carlos said, building off that same topic, "I think I'm learning to hate Logan just as much," Kendall laughed,

"No, don't hate them." He said, hypocritically. "They're not worth our energy." He didn't hate James. He felt sorry for the boy, more than anything. As far as Logan goes, Kendall didn't hate him. At least, not anymore. The last time they spoke had been at the beginning of sophomore year, when Logan stood Kendall up for his new friends, rather than attended his sister's Bat Mitzvah, Kendall couldn't deal with him anymore. He'd done too much too hurt him, and Kendall couldn't contain it any longer…

"Dude," Logan had said, breathlessly, somewhat intoxicated as he stumbled into the temple an hour after the party had ended,

"Hi," Kendall said, coldly, as he helped the maintenance-staff clear off the cluttered tables, throw away plates, push in chairs…

"Kendall," Logan said, sitting himself down in the now empty ball room of Beth-Shalom synagogue.

"Save it… " Said the blonde, genuinely disinterested. Kendall was dressed in a black blazer that was closed over a white shirt with a pattern less, light purple tie. Thinking back as he did so often, Logan felt his stomach wrench as he remembered how handsome the boy looked. At the moment, though, he was too intoxicated to realize,

"Listen," Logan said, flattening his hair. He had been out with his other friends, smoking and getting drunk, when he remembered Kendall's reminder the day before about his sister's big day.

"You promise to be there?" He confirmed. Logan rolled his eyes,

"Kendall, you've reminded me every single day for the past year and a half. I wouldn't miss it."

Logan remembered at 4:30 pm the following day, and felt his heart stop when he realized that the service started at 11am, and went on until 4. He raced home, threw on the suit he had out, and drove to the synagogue, not stopping for red lights.

"Kendall, I'm here now." Logan tried. Kendall looked around, mockingly,

"Hm. You're a smidge late. There's still some cake left if you look over to table 15."

"I lost track of time…" He defended lamely. Kendall sighed,

"That's fine," He said, too tired to fight. Kendall threw an armful of plastic plates into the garbage can, and folded the last of the dirty tablecloths into a ball. He looked at his watch.

"Kendall… I didn't forget." Logan tried.

"It's been over for an hour, Logan…"

"But I'm here _now,"_ He pleaded. Kendall looked to his friend,

"Even if not for me, Logan," He said, "Katie would have liked you here." And then he threw the ball of table cloth into the garbage, and prepared to walk away.

"Kendall!" Logan called after him, stumbling, holding chairs for support as he followed his friend to the doors. "Kendall, I forgot! I'm here now though! Look, I'm here! Kendall!"

"And you're stoned."

Logan didn't reply, so Kendall went on,

"Is that really all you have to say for yourself?" He said, feeling the blood beneath his skin boil. Logan stared, incredulously,

"…Yeah?"

"How about, 'I'm sorry, Kendall'? 'I'm sorry that I didn't come to your sister's Bat-Mitzvah, even when you'd told me every single day for the past 15 months that you wouldn't miss it?'" Logan blinked,

"Kendall…"

"Where the fuck were you?" Kendall continued, letting all the emotions he'd kept to himself for the past few months surface. He never once lost his cool with Logan, even since the boy began getting regularly high.

"Let me guess: You were with James Diamond, like you've been every single day this year. You know how important it was that you were here. You don't even care-"

"KENDALL," Logan cried. "Stop!"

"NO," Kendall returned, his face turning an angry shade of scarlet, "NO, LOGAN. I'M DONE WITH YOU. I'M DONE WITH THIS SHIT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH. GO DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE, BUT DON'T YOU DARE INCLUDE ME. I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, ANYMORE. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF YOU. I WANT YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M DONE, I'M DONE, I'M _DONE." _Logan looked at his friend, in shock,

"Kendall…"

"And the best part?" Kendall continued, "You don't even plan on apologizing. You're not even aware of the fact that you've become a doosh. You don't care."

"Kendall, I'm—I'm ..."

"I'm done." Kendall concluded. He grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair, and walked from the ballroom, "Have a nice life." Logan watched as his friend left, overwhelmed by the complex emotions that combined with the drugs in his system.

"Oh God," He said, rolling his eyes. He knew his friend couldn't stay mad. Over the course of the next few days, Logan lay low, and waited for the blonde to make the first move. He fully expected the boy to apologize, as he couldn't stay angry at Logan, especially after everything they'd been through, together.

"Hey," Logan said, after a few weeks had gone by. He dropped his books on the desk next to Kendall, and slid into the chair attached. Kendall didn't react. Instead, he sighed, and flipped to the third chapter of his history book.

"Kendall," Logan said, his smile crooked. "Kendall." Kendall licked his finger, and turned to the next page. Logan brought his face close to his friends,

"Kendaaaaaaaaaaaall," He sang, trying hard to maintain his smile. Kendall was really mad at him, he realized.

"Kendall?" Logan asked, his heart sinking as he realized that boy wasn't going to respond.

"Fine. Fuck you, I have real friends, now." Logan said, certain he was unconvinced of what he just said. Kendall couldn't help but watch as the brunette reclaimed his possessions, and crossed the room to find a new seat. He didn't feel sad, he just felt… done. At that very moment in time, Kendall could say with the utter most confidence that he had nothing, and that was the day he officially lost his tolerance for bull shit. That was the day Kendall Knight learned how to stop caring.

Kendall blinked back to consciousness, at the sound of Carlos's voice.

"Katie's a good kid. I wouldn't worry about her and James." In the mean time, James stood outside the girl's window at her Grandmother's condo complex, waiting patiently for her to pick up her phone.


	6. Bags

**A/N: Yay! Ok, I promise, after this, there isn't as MUCH Jatie. I sort of got carried away, but this chapter is REALLY Kogan heavy. I think this chapter is where it STARTS to get interesting,  
>so thank you for bearing with me during the boring parts,<br>and please PLEASE keep reviewing and reading  
>i really apreciate that,<br>AND CRITISISIM IS JUST AS APRECIATED  
>thanks guys! <strong>

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><p>At work on Monday, Gustavo assigned Kendall to Carlos's register. Logan felt his pulse increase to a potentially dangerous pace, when he saw the blonde slither behind the register, opposed to the obnoxious, disgustingly enthusiastic Latino.<p>

In the few days he'd worked at the market, it had been the first time he'd seen Kendall for more than a moment or two. Logan held his breath, and watched the blonde as he unloaded the contents of his backpack, and laid them out neatly, alongside his register. Kendall would often read his book for AP English as he'd scan cartons of eggs and milk, as he'd pretty much perfected the art of multi tasking after years of working at the market. About half an hour into the shift, and still neither of the two had done anything to recognize the other's existence.

Logan tried desperately to muster up enough courage, and speak to the boy_. Say something_, he harassed himself. _Say Anything…_

While Logan was usually exceptionally shy, when he was under the influence, he could talk to anyone about everything. He wished for a moment that he could run out to his car, and take a swig from the vodka bottle he kept under the driver's seat.

And then the bell at the top of the conveyer belt went "ding", and Logan snapped back to life. He watched a young man's groceries roll down the black line, right up until his register.

"Hey," Said the man. Logan moaned involuntarily, as he began to scan Yoddles and Ring-Dings, with the utter most reluctance.

He didn't hate his job yet, though he was frustrated by the fact that it was thrust upon him,

"You're 17," Logan's parents had said, tiredly, one Thursday night, "You're going to college next year, and you're completely dependent…!"

"But Mom!" Logan tried, though he knew his efforts were futile. He sent an application to a handful of stores and shops, and only received a call back from the market, which should have been his last resort. After an interview with the heavy manager, Logan realized how unimpressive his resume must have looked. He took the job, reluctantly grateful, and sincerely tried his best, as he was now entirely dependent on the minimum wage salary to get him through the week. He often worried about what would happen when he needed money for necessities, not just weed and Budweiser. _So much for being a doctor,_ He'd sigh.

"Damnit!" Logan exclaimed. He was only an hour or so into his shift, and he'd already run out of grocery bags. He looked to Kendall, as he'd done at least a dozen times in the last 15 minutes, and noticed the boy had a boundless stash below his register. He bit his lip, excited to have an excuse to talk to the boy, though tense and nervous about initiating a conversation.

"Uh…" He started, smoothly. Kendall didn't turn. He continued to load the groceries of a boy younger than himself into a shopping cart.

"Hey," Logan called, inaudibly.

"Thanks," Said the kid, flashing Kendall a toothless smile. When the customer left, Kendall's line was cleared, and he could return his full attention to the book.

"Kendall?" Logan tried, again. He watched the blonde's back inflate, then fall in an exaggerated breath. He had heard him.

Kendall pressed the edge of the current page down, and slowly spun his head, grudgingly meeting the other boy's gaze.

"Yeah?"

Logan felt the corners of his mouth bend up into a goofy grin. He didn't know what to say. Kendall was looking at him. He was immediately over whelmed by repressed and forgotten memories that had floated unexpectedly into his consciousness. He remembered sleepovers, birthdays, phone calls, school projects… And they no longer felt like a life time ago. Logan couldn't remember why he had needed Kendall's help; the world beyond the blonde had blurred. Logan could do nothing, aside from admit to the intense feelings of nostalgia, longing and desire that surfaced after looking hard into the beautiful boy's eyes.

For a few moments, Logan couldn't decipher one emotion from another, as he'd been so overwhelmed by immediate feelings of passion and lust and regret and grief. He didn't know what he wanted to do about the blonde; all he knew was the he wanted something done.

Logan didn't know which one of the wants to focus on, though.

He wanted to kiss Kendall repeatedly, and taste the soft white skin that was tightly wound around his shaped, athletic muscles.

Logan wanted to throw himself down onto the boy's feet, and let remorseful tears stain their shoes, and then apologize and plead, and refuse to stand until he agreed to take him back, even if just as a friend.

And after they were friends again, Logan wanted to bite into Kendall's red lips, pulling them only far enough as to let the blonde's tongue extend and touch his own. Logan wanted to lose his grip in a clean field of cropped, yellow hair, as their mouths moved together…

Logan felt as if he'd been hit by a gust of cold air that left him breathless; paralyzed. After all the complicated feelings he'd experienced so quickly began to die down, Logan had become sure of one thing, and one thing only. He'd screwed up, _big time_.

Kendall waited patiently as Logan fanaticized, though the lady before the brunette's counter didn't seem to share the same level of tolerance.

"Hello?" She said, shoving the smaller boy back into his reality. Though she had been loud and demanding, Logan couldn't bring his eyes off of Kendall. Kendall smirked sarcastically, and turned back to his book.

"Oh," Logan blurt, halfheartedly tending to the woman,

"My groceries?" She nudged. Logan leaned over his counter to grab a bag, immediately reminded of the fact tthat he had run out,

"Ah," He said, amazed by his sober stupidity. "Hey… Hey… Kendall?" Kendall sighed, and turned, again,

"Yes?" He replied, with less patience this time.

"C-C-Could I have some of your bags?" He asked, timidly. Kendall tore at least a hundred from the side of his register, and walked them over to the brunette. Logan took them gratefully, delighted to be so close to the blonde, if not for just a moment.

"Thanks." He said, relatively star struck. Kendall nodded, impassively.

"Anytime," The word was void of any emotion, and Logan had to resist the urge to cringe. Logan had never heard any one speak with such… disinterest. He wondered if Kendall actually cared as little as he let on, or if the boy just had a wonderful poker face.

Logan spent the rest of his shift absent mindedly admiring the boy, ridiculously appreciative of the fact that the counters were parallel to one another. Kendall was on the left, and both registers faced in that direction, so Logan was given a full view of the blonde's backside.

He loved how shapely his bottom had become, as result of all that hockey practice. He loved how long and slender his legs appeared in those dark, skinny jeans. Logan wondered how difficult it would be to pull them off of him. Kendall felt the smaller boy's eyes on his butt, though thought nothing of it, as he had always been under the impression that Logan had hated him. In return, the blonde had entirely removed the boy from his thoughts.

When it was time to clock out, Logan realized that he hadn't had more than a handful of customers, as everyone who tried to wake him from his daze gave up only moments later, and eventually went to stand behind the longer line that had formed behind the Knight boy. Kendall was too overwhelmed and disinterested to wonder why Logan still had his eyes on his buttocks after so many hours into their work day, though he did allow himself to assume that something was off. At 9pm, Carlos emerged from the backdoor, peeling a pair of yellow gloves from a tan pair of hands.

"Ich," He hissed, throwing the gloves into the garbage.

"Fun day?" Kendall asked, as he began to put his books back into his bag. He looked at his watch, grateful for the fact that he could now go home to finish his school work.

"I finished shelving early, so I got to set up mouse traps **all over** Gustavo's office."

"Gustavo's office has mice?"

"Well… he knows you and I go in there when he's not… and he knows the two of us download viruses onto his computer and stuff… so I _think_ they were for us, actually."

"How do you figure?" Kendal said, finding a smile,

"When I asked him where the mice came from, he said, 'Oh… No mice, here. Just dogs.'"

"Ha!" The blonde chortled, lightly. Logan felt his heart explode.

"And I was like, 'Two dozen mouse traps to keep dogs out of your office? But dogs are bigger! Why would that work?' and he went, 'But clearly mice are smarter, Carlos.' And then he walked away. And then a few hours later, he came back in, and said, 'Don't tell Kendall about the mouse traps; I'm sure you'll have forgotten, by the time I leave again, that these are here."

"And now you've gone ahead and told me." Kendall laughed, trying to contain his delight. Logan couldn't deal with it. He wished that he were Carlos. He wished he possessed the ability to make the blonde laugh so effortlessly. Logan then remembered that he had once contained the skill, but later in his life he'd given it up for a cigarette and a circle of skanks. He could hardly wrap his head around the amount that he had lost, taken for granted, given away….

"So no more intentionally downloading bad things onto the guy's desktop."

"Aw, what a shame. I bet he was really enjoying those pop ups for gay porn, too,"

"Well, I certainly know someone who was," Carlos tested quickly, being one of two people to know Kendall's secret, the only other being his sister.

"Don't talk about yourself in third person, it's weird," Kendall rebutted through a big, open mouth smile. Logan looked on intently, remembering when he had been in Carlos's position, remembering how easy it had been to talk to the blonde, and how much fun they had. Logan had never felt so envious of someone in his entire life.

"Shall we clock out?" Carlos offered. Kendall threw his backpack over his shoulder, and linked arms with his dark, enthusiastic friend,

"Indeed," He grinned.

"Bye, Logan." Carlos called, contemptuously, as the pair left the market. Logan perked up, but then glared at the Latino, who had his body pressed up against the blonde's side. Kendall followed his friends lead, oblivious to the scorn in his voice.

"See ya," Logan winced, unable to assemble himself quickly enough to invoke a reply. Instead, he waved pathetically, his glare no longer burning into that of the Latino's, but instead focused on the cropped blonde hair that fell into a pair of perfect ivory eyes.

And Logan watched the platonic pair leave for the backroom, and then disappear into the night, while he still had an hour left to his shift. He sighed, wistfully, and painfully aware of what he'd lost so long ago. Logan knew that the market's traffic died down sufficiently during the last 60 minutes of his work day, so he called his friend in search of guidance,

"James?" Logan asked, sadly.

"I was just about to call you!" James cried, in hysterics.

"What's up?"

"Katie…" He tried, unable to put the words together. "She… I…"

"What?" Logan barked, impatiently,

"We got into a fight, Logan. I don't know what to do."

"Oh," Logan retorted, hardly surprised, hardly concerned.

"She said she felt guilty about sneaking around. She said her brother would never forgive her if he found out we were friends. I told her it would be fine, and then we had sex." Logan tried to imagine Kendall losing his cool with James. For some reason, the idea seemed appealing. Everything that involved the blonde was appealing.

"…So you're still fighting?" Logan asked, tiredly.

"No,"

"…."

"Logan?" James asked, after a few moments of silence, that came from both ends.

"James…" Logan sighed, "So what's the problem…?"

"Oh," He said, "Well, that's it."

"So what's the problem, then?" Logan pestered, eager to transition into his dilemma. The boy could literally hear James's eyes widen.

"I…" He tried, "That's it! But, it's a big deal! You know, that if I-"

"Can we talk about this later?" This hardly sounded like a problem, to Logan.

Logan was confident he had a problem, and he most certainly wanted to talk about it. He hated himself, though these feelings of spite and detestation should have been targeted towards his ex best friend. Instead of loathing the blonde though, Logan could swear on his favorite fitted hat that his feelings landed somewhere in between love and regret.

Logan only intended on giving the pretty boy a few of the details, as he knew that if James found out he "liked" his "girlfriends" brother, he would take it upon himself to get involved, while ignoring the obvious consequences.

"So there's this boy…" Logan started. James's eye roll was so obvious; Logan swore he could hear it on the other end of the phone,

"Oh no," James groaned. Logan felt his eyes bug in disbelief,

"James, you asked me just the other day if there were any guys I liked!" He protested. Logan looked around, quickly, and immediately made a mental note to lower his voice. James sighed,

"Ok," He said, making no effort to suppress his reluctance, "what's the problem?"Logan told him everything, beginning with the changes in himself that had forced him to lose his friend, to the ground they stood on now. Logan told him everything, aside from the two most important aspects: the fact that James had been the antagonist in his story, and the fact that Kendall Knight was the love interest.

"Who is this again?" James asked, after Logan's narrative had come to a conclusion.

"It doesn't matter." He said, quickly. James licked his lips,

"Sounds like you just gotta go for it, man…" He advised, lamely.

"Weren't you listening?" Logan burst, "He _hates _me!"

"So make him love you…"

"I can't just-"

"Listen man, Katie's on the other line. We can talk about this later." And then James's voice faded into the "click" of the dying call, and Logan folded his cell phone in half, before stuffing it into his coat pocket. _There was no way it could be that easy... Could it?_

* * *

><p>The next day, Logan tried to sit next to Kendall in Spanish 4.<p>

"Is… is this seat taken?" He asked, surprised by how difficult it had been for him to ask. Logan had always had trouble making friends, though he never could have imagined that he would have just as much difficulty reclaiming one of the first he'd made. Kendall's green eyes opened, slightly.

"What?" He asked, in disbelief. _Why is he talking to me? _The blonde wondered, blandly. It wasn't that he was angry; it certainly wasn't that Kendall was pleased to have been approached by the boy. After a moment of thought, Kendall decided that the brunette obviously wanted something, so he let his mouth fold into a frown.

"I said… I said is this seat taken?" Logan tried again, feeling his pulse quicken.

"Usually," Kendall responded, averting his glance, looking back to his text book. It wasn't difficult for Kendall to snub the boy, as he had genuinely lost all feelings of compassion and empathy for him.

"Oh," Logan said, unsure of why he still stood there after he had been blatantly rejected. "Ok."

"Yeah," Kendall said. The boy racked his brain for something to say.

"Are you…. gonna be at work today?" Logan asked. Kendall resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Talking to Logan wasn't the first thing on the list of things he'd wanted to do. He sighed,

"Yes," Logan shifted his weight, and breathed through his nose, desperate for another thing to say,

"Mr. Mitchell," The teacher called sternly, as she walked into the poorly lit classroom. Logan turned to her quickly, and then realized her eyes were directed at an empty seat across the floor.

"If you could sit down, please." She suggested, bitterly. Logan bit into his lip,

"Later," Kendall said, agreeing with the teacher. Though the blonde spoke with as little emotion as a human being could manage, Logan couldn't suppress a grin. Kendall had spoken to him, even with disinterested, little, meaningless words, that had no depth or significance. Logan smiled through the rest of the class period.


	7. Moby Dick

**A/N: Hi guys! Psh, sorry this is so late X_X stuff gets in the way. ANYWHO, this chapter is very long, and I had writer's block for a while, so hopefully that makes up for it..  
>ALSO, if you're reading "From here to Texas," expect an update later today. Yay!<br>READ AND REVIEW PLEASE  
>THANKS GUYS! <strong>

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><p>On Tuesday night, James drove over to the Knight's condo complex, for the third time that week. The first night, he had driven to Katie's, completely intoxicated and fallen asleep on her lawn, apposed to trying to grab the girl's attention. The second night went similarly, though on the third night, he decided to try it, sober. He stood outside the window, and gingerly threw stone at what he presumed to be the small girl's window.<p>

"Katieee," He had hissed, desperately. In a moment that would have impressed William Shakespeare, Katie threw open her window, to see the handsome boy crouched down on his knees about two stories below her reach, on a wet patch of lawn.

"James!" She whispered, scolding. "What the hell, James?" He waited his breathing in sync to the sound of the evening crickets.

"H-H-Hi," He stuttered, nervously. He suddenly found himself wishing that he'd planned out what he was going to say, beforehand. Katie rushed to the opposite side of her room, and smashed her door into the frame, terrified that someone might catch the pair.

"Go away!" She ordered, returning to the window. James looked hurt,

"Can... Can I come in?"

"Of course not!" She said, a little louder than intended. "My brother's home!"

"We'll say we're studying!" James said, proud of his suggestion.

"Go!" Katie ordered, wanting nothing more than to let the boy inside.

"No!" James defended, letting his eye brows melt into a frustrated arched above his creamy brown eyes.

"James!"

"Come out! We can talk, and then you can go right back." She sighed,

"James, why are you here?"

"Because I missed you," He admitted, sheepishly. He let his gaze fall, and straightened his back.

"Fine," She said, after a few moments of silence. She slammed the window against its wooden frame, then grabbed her coat as she walked out of her bedroom, to the front door.

"Katie?" Kendall called, catching the girl, with half of her body out onto the front steps.

"Kendall!" She said, jumping back into the house, closing the door abruptly. It was 9:25pm, and Carlos had come by after work, his homework sprawled across the living room carpet. The blonde yawned as he shuffled a stack of index cards that belonged to the Latino.

"Whatcha up to, Katie?" Kendall asked, apprehensively. Carlos looked on, as he collected his books and papers, messily dumping them into his backpack.

"Iforgotmybookatthebookclub?" She replied quickly. It came out more a question, than an explanation. Katie had been attending "various clubs" for the past few weeks now, though each lie she told her brother felt as sharp and painful as the first.

"You can get it tomorrow," Kendall laughed, trying hard to believe the girl. Carlos looked skeptical.

"No, my friend's got it for me anyway and he's actually right outside so I'm going to go get it now and I'll be back in—in just a few minutes," Kendall bobbed his head, stuck between a shake and a nod,

"What?" He asked, slowly. Carlos pushed his eye brows together. He was entirely unconvinced.

"I just need—I'll be back in a few minutes."

"But Katie- -"

"Don't you trust me?" She resorted, making her eyes big and wet. Kendall sighed,

"Fine," He said, "Fine, but you're doing what, now?"

"I'll just be right back. My friend's right here and I just, I'll be right back, I just need to get my book and she's coming by, and it'll only be a few minutes because I just need to get my book, Kendall." Kendall shook his head, letting his eye lids touch, faintly,

"Ok," He said, as Carlos flung his bag over his shoulder, and prepared to leave.

"Ok, great, see you in a bit," Katie said, as she pushed herself out the front door. The two watched as the girl left.

"Are you really going to let her go?" Carlos asked, incredulously, a few moments after the door slammed shut.

"Sure," Kendall shrugged, "She seemed relatively legit." Carlos let his eyes bulge, but resisted the urge to retort. He suddenly remembered the conversation he'd had with Kendall the Sunday before about his sister and James Diamond, and their consecutively placed lockers.

"Well, I'm gonna get going."

Kendall smiled, awkwardly; he knew the boy knew something he didn't.

"See you at work, then?"

"Yeah," Said Carlos, though he paused for a few moments after, half of his body on the front porch. "Could you text me when Katie gets back?" Kendall made a face,

"Sure," He said, uneasily. Carlos walked out to his car, parked at the end of the drive way. As he stabbed the locked door with a silver key, he saw Katie kiss the silhouette of a boy significantly taller than himself, then climb into the passenger seat of a dark vehicle parked on the side of the street. Carlos squint his eyes, and tried to see past the blinding darkness, in attempt to recognize the license plate of the car. 587-JDD, he made out, as the vehicle coughed out a cloud of grey smoke. There was no doubt in his mind that JDD stood for James Dylan Diamond. The car drove away, and Carlos shook his head, feeling his stomach churn and his pulse decrease.

"Katie," He sighed, shaking his head as he felt himself over come by a deadening disappointment.

Over the next few days, Carlos felt the guilt of the terrible knowledge weighing down on him to such an extremity, that he could hardly sleep at night He couldn't focus, he couldn't think, as the burden had been so intense. To protect the blonde, he put on the best poker face he, and blamed his distance and bad attitude on his lack of sleep, which had been semi true. The thought of Kendall losing someone else to the wrath of James Diamond made him sick. He had to tell him. He couldn't. He had to, though.

On Thursday, on his way to work, Carlos finally decided to tell the blonde about what he'd learned. He'd rehearsed it a hundred times in his head. He knew exactly how he was going to say it; gently, and delicately, in a way that couldn't possibly upset his friend.

"Kendall?" He asked, as he walked into the market that afternoon, stringing his apron as he crossed the tiled floor. Kendall looked up, already behind his counter. Logan had walked past the blonde, wordlessly, just minutes earlier, trailing the thick scent of vodka.

"Can I… Can we talk, for a minute?"

"Sure Carlos," Kendall smiled, uneasily. Katie had repeated the Tuesday night retune the previous day, along with coming home fairly late to begin with, as she'd done for the past few weeks. Kendall knew something was out of place, though he wasn't ready to admit it.

"You forgot your club book... again?" He had asked, incredulously. The girl nodded, fully aware that her brother didn't buy it.  
>"Fine. Go."<p>

He knew that if he began to pester Katie about her tomfoolery, her response would bring him one step closer to learning something he didn't want to know.

"Ah!" Logan howled, as he dart from the back room, out towards the registers. His eyes were blood shot, and he was flailing uncontrollably. Kendall and Carlos looked at the boy, in sudden hysterics, who had at least a dozen mouse traps snapped onto various parts of his baggy jeans. The blonde pursed his lips, hardly surprised to see the boy was also high.

"Shit, are you _kidding _me?" Carlos cried, mortified. It was he who would have to reset each of the traps.

"Ahhh! Help!" Logan shook his leg, his fitted hat falling off his head, onto the floor. Kendall held his breath and moved himself from behind the counter, out onto the floor, to assist the struggling boy. He got down on his knees, and began to peel the traps from the baggy denim, jumping each time they snapped together.

"Thanks," Logan breathed, collapsing onto the floor, stretching his legs. He leaned forward to help the blonde.

"Any time," Kendall said, the last of the mouse traps in his hand. Logan looked up to the boy, and grinned sheepishly, suddenly realizing how close together their faces were. He wanted to kiss him. He didn't know if it had been the alcohol, but he'd never wanted to kiss someone more than he did at this moment. Instead, he belched a cloud of wet smoke into the blonde's face, accidently.

"Sorry," He said quickly, breaking eye contact. Kendall pushed himself up onto his feet, and began to walk back behind the register, wordlessly.

He wondered briefly if the old Logan was still in there, somewhere. Kendall blinked away the thought, surprised that he couldn't bring himself to care.

"What the hell, man?" Carlos barked, incredulously. He wasn't looking forward to Gustavo's reaction when he saw that the mouse traps had vanished. Though he had told the boy that the traps were intended for intruders, Carlos later found out that there really was a rodent infestation.

"He sent me into his office, and I tripped, and they just started to jump at me..." Logan explained, red faced. Kendall rolled his eyes, obviously, then opened his book and began to read.

"I'm going to have to reset all of those!" The Latino pressed on. Usually, Carlos wouldn't have reacted so strongly, but his hatred for Logan combined with the Katie and James stress really pushed him over the edge.

"You're acting like I**_ tried_** to get attacked by a million mouse traps..." Logan defended, genuinely embarrassed. Carlos rolled his eyes.

"I'm telling Gustavo that YOU are the one who's going to rearrange them." He announced.

"Fine, fine, fine, that's fine." Logan said, irritated.

"I'm not going to do it; you did it, and it's your responsibility."

"Jesus Christ, ok!"

"I don't even know how that's possible! How the hell do you miss like… 2 dozen mouse traps lying on the ground? Maybe if you came to work **_sober-_**"

"Ok! Jesus Christ, ok!"

"And another thing!" Carlos continued, letting it all out, "Those weren't my eggs the other day! You can't leave in the middle of your shirt to get **_high! _**That's not something you can do! And—"

"Shut the fuck up!" Logan barked, pushing himself up onto his feet. "You don't know me, shut the fuck up! Just shut the fuck up! And maybe go fuck yourself, while you're at it!"

As he turned for the back room, Logan lifted his middle finger, and held it high over his head, making the blonde snort in amusement and disgust.

"What a dick," He laughed, under his breath. Carlos nodded, incredulously.

"I just…" He tried, scratching his head.

"Whatever." Kendall decided, thankful that the store had been relatively empty during that episode. After Carlos swept all the mouse traps into a grocery bag, he picked up Logan's purple hat, and threw it down and isle.

"I hate him."

"I know," Kendall breathed. Carlos looked to his friend, and exhaled deeply,

"I just hate people like him. He's stoned out of his mind; he thinks he's so victimized."

"He wasn't always like that," Kendall said, quietly.

"I know. But he's to the point of no return. Once you're that lost, you have literally no chance at revival." Kendall shrugged,

"You don't know that."

"I do know that. Just look at James. He started smoking in 7th grade. He started having sex in 8th. He's not going to college; he's not getting a job. He's ruined himself. You can't honestly tell me you think he'll live past 35."

"I don't know," Kendall said, uncomfortably.

"It's like a cult thing they've got going. It's like being brainwashed."

"Yeah,"

"And he literally _abducts_ his… his…" Carlos stammered, struggling to find the right word. "Like… followers. He preys on potential. You said Logan wanted to be a doctor? There's no way he's getting anywhere ever. He had dreams and hopes and talent and now it's _gone_."

"Well—"

"What college would want someone who comes to school drunk, comes to work high? You said he was smart. Can you imagine how many brain cells he's killed? It's a shame. He's like… James like… targets these kids who have ….futures. Cause he probably feels so crappy about him self. You know? Like, just look at Katie—" Carlos stopped, immediately. An uncomfortable silence lingered, until the blonde could catch up to speed with everything the boy had said.

Kendall arched his eyebrows, slowly.

"Wait… Who?"

"N-Nothing." Stammered the Latino, feeling the blood drain from his face. This wasn't how he had intended on telling him.

"…Did you say Katie?" Kendall asked, confident he'd heard his friend wrong.

"Ah…" He tried, averting his eyes.

"…What… what about Katie?" Said the blonde, gradually. He laughed, stiffly, "Like, my Katie?"

"Well…" Carlos shuffled his feet, staring intently into the cracks in the tiled floor.

"Carlos…." Kendall said, pacing himself. "What about… what do you mean?"

After returning to Gustavo's office, Logan carefully finished his search for the storage room key, proud as to not have stepped on anything else. He placed the lanyard around his neck, and decided to apologize to Carlos for his behavior… Not out of respect for the Latino; he had none. He despised the boy. He wanted to prove to Kendall that he had empathy and compassion. He wanted the blonde to see that he was capable of admitting his wrongs, even if it was just for the sake of a show. He wanted Kendall to see him as the bigger person, and he wanted to work towards becoming someone the boy could respect. He inflated his lungs, and prepared for his performance, as he walked out into isles and made his way towards the registers.

"Kendall…" Carlos said, softly. He could sense Kendall's panic. Carlos had known James Diamond since the third grade, and if he had learned anything along the way, it had been that the pretty boy was more of a slut than Tiger Woods. He bit into his lip, averting eye contact.

"Do you remember the night where Katie left for her book club book?" He said, quietly. Kendall nodded slowly, as Logan looked on from the frozen foods section, sensing the tension from an isle away. He observed the confrontation, stealthily, .

"Yeah." Kendall said, shrugging it off with feign confidence. "Yeah, they were reading Twilight."

"I…" Carlos tried, his heart heavy, "I saw her get into James's car." The blonde was unfazed. Logan looked on, intrigued.

"Yeah," Kendall smirked, turning back to his work, repressing his sudden feelings of fear and nausea.

"I saw them kiss," Carlos continued, cautiously.

"Mhm," Kendall said, his eyes unfocusing as he skimmed the 6th chapter of Moby Dick. _Carlos is being ridiculous_, he thought, _They're just locker buddies._

"And before she left, she smelled like cigarettes." The Latino said, a bit disturbed by the lack of reaction.

"Katie doesn't _smoke," _Kendall defended, lightly.

"I… I've actually seen them walking around school together, a few times…" Carlos realized, frustrated that his friend wasn't responding. He expected Kendall to be angry. Furious. Enraged. He thought he'd throw himself through the front doors, go home and grab Katie by the collar, then scream at her until she realized what she'd done. That he'd shout and screech until Katie cried, until she fell onto the floor, until she vowed away a life of smoke and sex, before it became too late.

"I think they're sleeping together." Carlos said, calmly, as he stared deep into the back of his friend's head. Kendall didn't look up.

"Kendall?" He asked, unsure his friend had heard him. The blonde staid stationary, feeling his blood broil, but keeping cool. Logan watched from a distance, as the boy's lower lip began to quiver. He took a small step closer, adn entirley forgot why he had come out in the first place.

"Did you… Kendall? Did you hear what I said?" Carlos tried, his voice growing stronger. "I said they're sleeping together Kendall." Still, no response. The blonde flipped a page in his book. Carlos knew he wasn't paranoid; he knew he wasn't wrong. He knew from the moment that Kendall told him the girl and the pretty boy had been locker buddies. He knew it, and he knew Kendall knew it, deep down.

"Kendall!" He blurt, revealing his aggravation. "Kendall, I know you heard me! They're sleeping together! They're sleeping together and you don't care!" Logan could feel the blonde's distress. Kendall closed his book, his actions tense.

"Carlos," He said, through gritted teeth, "Stop."

"You can't pretend you… don't… see that. You've got to… Kendall, you _know_. You_ know_ you _kno_w, and you don't want to admit it." now

"I don't know anything, Carlos." Said the blonde, forcing an eye roll.

"You need to confront her about it. You know everything I'm saying is true, Kendall…"

"Stop it, Carlos." The boy said sternly. He clenched his fists, his top row of teeth crunching into the bottom.

"Admit it Kendall, please." He nearly begged, "You know she's with James. He's corrupting her, and you're just sitting there."

"He's not," Kendall said, every muscle in his body focused on staying calm. Logan watched the boy from the freezer isle, his eyes wide.

"It's what he does, Kendall! He destroys. It's what he does."

"We don't… we don't know that. Stop antagonizing him-"

"Look at Logan!" Carlos barked,

"What about Logan?" Kendall shot back, hardly matching the Latino's amount of enthusiasm. He tried so hard to pretend he didn't care. Logan lookedo n, with wet eyes.

"Look at what he's become! Look at him! He's always stoned! He's got nothing! He's as broken as broken comes, and you've told me: You've told me stories about him. Who he used to be. Who he'd been before he met James. You know it was Diamond who destroyed him. You know that. You know that, and he's going to destroy Katie just like he destroyed Logan." Logan felt his heart increase, as he waited for the blonde's reply, pressed up against a freezer, as to hide himself completely.

"I know." Kendall said, eyeing the brunette's fitted cap in the basket beneath the counter. He blinked a few times, surprised to find that his eyes were entirely dry. Logan, on the other hand, bit into his lip, his face drowning in a deep blush. "But that's not going to happen to Katie. Katie's a good girl. Katie goes to book clubs and volunteers. Katie's smart."

"Logan's smart."

"Katie's not Logan."

"Kendall. It's the same thing."

"It's not even close."

"He's taking Katie, and you don't care."

"He's not." _They're FUCKIN' locker buddies. _

"KENDALL! IT'S TRUE. YOU WANT HER TO END UP LIKE LOGAN? WELL SHE'S GOING TO."

"There's no way she'll turn out like Logan," Kendall said, finally finding his anger, as his voice began to crack, "Logan is lost. Logan is gone. But Logan wanted to leave. Katie isn't Logan. She understands that she has the ability to hurt people, and she understands that she's got brains and beauty and a future. Logan didn't realize any of this, and that's why he let James take over. That's why he's gone."

"Do you miss him?"

"Yeah." Kendall said, gravely.

"Do you regret letting James damage him?"

"I didn't_ let_ him, he did it to him_self_,"

"You could have saved him."

"No, I couldn't have." Kendall said, tired of this conversation.

"James is gonna get Katie." Carlos spit, "James is gonna get Katie. And then James and Logan and Katie are gonna be working in this shit hole in 20 years, high as fuck, and you don't… you don't… you don't care."

"I don't care." Kendall decided, his voice steady and even, though his face was entirely red. He threw his book straight at the Latino's head, and slammed his fist into the conveyer belt, momentarily losing his cool. "**Katie's a good girl**. Stop it, Carlos. Stop it."

"Kendall!" The Latino hissed, rubbing the spot on his forehead where Moby Dick had hit him. "Don't act like it's my fault."

"No," Said the blonde, absolutely sick to his stomach, "You have to stop. It is your fault. And you know why? You could have kept your mouth shut. I don't know what you're trying to do—"

"I'm trying to help."

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP," Kendall burst. He grabbed at his thick, blonde hair, and tugged as he screamed. "STOP IT, STOP IT. YOU'RE ENTIRLEY UNHELPFUL, IN FACT. I NEED YOU TO STOP IT CARLOS. YOU NEED TO SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. ALRIGHT? COULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?" Carlos looked as if he'd been slapped a million times across the face.

"But Kendall, I'm just…."

"I don't need you help. I don't want your help. I don't need you. Stop it. I can't… you need to stop it." Kendall dumped all his stuff into his backpack, and stormed through the meat isle, towards the back room. Logan watched as the blonde brushed right past him, silent tears fuming against the boy's green eyes. He struggled to keep them in, blink them away until he was out of the building, at least. Logan, on the other hand, had fallen against the fridge, his heart broken into a trillion pieces, his breathing coming heavy and stiff.

He always knew that Kendall had hated him. He always though it was disgust or resentment, and in return, Logan knew it was wrong for him to secrertly want him more than he wanted food, or shelter, or oxyegen. He had never known that Kedall loathed him because he was hurt, because he didn't want to think about him, because he had left him and caused him pain. _And now he's losing Katie, _Logan realized. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, and sent them flying across the room. _No more, _He thought, as tears tumbled down, then lingered on his shirt collar. _This is over._ Logan walked after the blonde, ripping his apron off his back, and dropping it onto the floor. _I need to fix this. _


	8. Swiss Army Knife

**A/N: AH, yes, I know, it's been a ridiculously long time since I've updated. **  
><strong>BUT IM PUTTING UP ANOTHER CHAPTER LATER TONIGHT. <strong>  
><strong>THANK YOU GUYS FOR BARING WITH ME AND BEING SO PATIENT AND SUPPORTIVE. <strong>

* * *

><p>Kendall came home to an empty house.<p>

"Hello?" He called, in tired frustration. No reply. "Katie?" He tried, obvious to the hopelessness of his attempts. It was only 7:25, which meant he still had quite a ways to go until his shift was officially over.

He stared at his wrist watch impulsively, though he had not the slightest idea when Katie would be coming home from where ever she was. Kendall peaked into the living room, unintentionally glaring at the old man who had fallen into the pit of the recliner, hardly a yard of shag carpeting separating him from the television screen.

"Herbert?" He called. Kendall had trouble calling the older man anything aside from his first name, as their relationship consisted of scarcely anything more than a similar gene pool. "Herbert?" He asked again, holding onto the door frame as he walked farther into the living room.

"Hmph?" The old man replied, stirring awake. Kendall's Grandfather groaned, hitting the white hairs that fell off his top lip with a dry tongue that went on to smack against his bottom row of teeth.

"Herbert," He said, his face hard. The elderly man looked to the boy, adjusting his graying eyes to the light that pushed onto Kendall's back side from out in the hallway.

"What," He spit, bringing a skeleton's hand up to scratch against the stubble beneath his chin. Kendall's grimaced. Normally, he would have gone up to his room and started his homework in isolation as usual, but for some reason, Kendall desperately feared the thought of being by himself for the moment. Even if it was just the company of the Grandfather he undeniably neglected,

"Can I read my book in here?" He asked, suddenly remembering that he'd left Moby Dick at the market, after he'd thrown it, in attempts to injure the Latino. His Grandfather inhaled though his nose,

"Oh," He said, his voice flooding with enthusiasm. He pushed himself forward, suddenly alert and vibrant, if not completely surprised. His Grandson never bothered him—not even as a child. Herbert had, for the most part, accepted the fact that he and the boy would never have the type of relationship he would have preferred, though he recognized the fact that it was partially his fault.

In his defense, playing parent to your deceased daughter's children after reaching your 60's was hardly a task that interested Grandma and Grandpa Knight. Now, as the two were nearing their 80's, they silently admitted that the children had become burdens, though Katie and Kendall weren't stupid. The couple would often talk about different homes and resorts they would occupy, if one day their house were to empty.

"It's just beautiful, here," Grandma Knight would say, as she'd flip through a "Fancy Living" magazine with Kendall by her side. "One day," She'd sigh, wistfully. Kendall even wondered whether or not her attempts at guilt were deliberate. Each time she'd do so, he'd fight back a sudden urge to grab onto her shoulders, shake her and say, "I'm just _so _sorry, Grammy. I'm sorry… I'm sorry because I _wanted _my parents to die. Because I _wanted _to live here. _Obviously. _So I'm just _so _sorry."

Kendall didn't hate his life. It truly was difficult, though.

"Yes, of course!" His Grandfather said, to his surprise. Kendall almost smiled, then dropped his backpack as he began to make himself comfortable on the small, tangerine sofa spread directly next to the recliner. The room itself gave Kendall a headache; the lime and orange furniture was nauseating against the techni-colored shag rug, the teal wall paint and whicker side tables. The room looked ridiculous, though Kendall assumed his Grandparents were fully aware, and that was why the room was always poorly lit.

"So…" Herbert began, looking over his chair, awkwardly. He couldn't remember the last time he and his Grandson had had a conversation that last more than a few seconds…

_"School was fine."_

_"Dinners ready,"_

_"Could you put down the toilet seat?"_

"How is everything?" He said, stabbing "mute" on his television remote. Kendall looked up, as he unzipped his backpack, unloading a thick yellow binder containing all of his math work.

"Ok," Kendall shrugged. He drew a pencil decorated with bite marks out from his book bag, then flipped through the pages in his binder, stopping when he reached the middle.

"Did you go to work today?"

Kendall nodded as he read through the first page of examples.

"And how was… school?"

The blonde bounced his head up and down, confident that his Grandfather had run out of topics. It wasn't that he didn't love the older man. He did. He was supposed to, at least. He had never said he had, though he was confident that if they occasion arose, he'd be able to say it with assurance and honesty. Or maybe not.

He really didn't want to have a conversation, though. He just wanted company. He wanted to not be alone, for a little while. The old man sighed as he realized his attempts at a dialogue had been blatantly rejected. He turned his attention back to the home shopping channel, and heaved a tired sigh as he unpushed "mute", restoring the sound.

Kendall worked through his math homework, that consumed all of half an hour. When he closed his binder, he breathed lightly, and then looked to his Grandfather. Herbert had been studying Kendall for the past thirty minutes, examining his facial structure, his breathing pattern, sitting position. He'd never noticed how much the boy looked like his daughter. It made him sad and sick and somber and angry; it made him feel content and positive and wistful. He wondered if the boy knew how much sadness he brought back to life; how many repressed feelings and memories surfaced.

"You know…." He started, unable to hold back a smile when their eyes interlocked. "You look… just like her."

"What?" Kendall asked, completely unsure of what the old man could be referring to.

"Your mom," He said, quietly, with a trace of grief and nostalgia.

"I…" The blonde said, immediately uncomfortable.

"You look just like your mom,"

"Really?"

"Yeah,"

"No I don't," Kendall defended, reflexively.

He'd seen pictures of his mother. She had ratty brown hair that fell in curls against her slender shoulders. She had a small smile that tilted imperfectly to the side, a snub nose that dipped too far down, and a yellow tinted overbite. Every single photograph he'd seen featured the fragile woman against a colorful backdrop, bearing a smile so wide and genuine that the muscles in Kendall's face ached each time he saw. The blonde tried desperately to remember the woman in real life, looking as lively and cheerful as she had on paper, but he couldn't.

"She was a brunette,"

"It's the way you hold yourself," His Grandfather continued, leaning over the side of his chair, leaning in closer towards the blonde. "You've got her character."

"Thanks," Kendall said, awkwardly. He resented his mother, who'd been the first in line to abandon her son. While he wished he'd spent more time with his father, he knew that it was the commitment towards his family that kept the sick man alive for so much longer than expected. He knew his dad died loving him, and he still did today. Kendall could remember the exact moment his mother checked out and stopped caring about everything, including her children. Kendall knew she died lonely.

"It's… you're welcome." Said his Grandfather, saddened by the way the boy distanced himself. As he scooped his school supplies up into his arms and flung his backpack over a shoulder, Herbert caught the boy by the side.

"You know," He began. "You're a good kid."

"Thanks,"

"You can come hang out with me _anytim_e,"

"Ok,"

"And I…" Herbert started the sentence, without realizing he would be unable to finish it. He wanted to tell his Grandson that he loved him, but besides the common blood they shared, he knew nothing about the boy.

He reminded him of his daughter, sure, though only after she had shut down and turned off. Kendall was a stone, and he realized that his time was limited; he would never know the boy, and it made him angry and sorrowful and guilty.

"Bye," Kendall said, relieving the man of his discomfort.

"Yeah."

Kendall went out into the hallway, and checked to see if anyone else had come home.

"Katie?" He tried. No reply. "Gramma?" No reply.

He heaved a sigh, and walked slowly to his room, where he decided to try one of his friends on the phone. After scrolling past Carlos's name, remembering how disgusted with the boy he was, Kendall noticed that he had never deleted Logan off of his contact list. For just the splitest of seconds, the blonde imagined calling his ex-best friend, and letting everything that'd been weighing down on him out, venting, revealing his guilt and agony and everything else he was unable to surface. He imagined talking, just talking about every nagging paranoia and pain he had to repress, his fear, his phobia, all that made him feel shame and humiliation.

Just for a moment, Kendall imagined how nice it would be to have kept that friendship, to have someone to talk to about these sort of things. Someone to listen to him. Someone to stay quiet, and just listen. Kendall sighed as he was brought back to life, remembering that Logan was in the past. Logan was dead, to him. And it made him a sort of miserable that he would never allow to surface. It was the sort of miserable that he'd experienced with his mother's passing. He'd seen it coming from a mile away, and he'd become numb during the process. Once it happened—once they had passed on—Kendall didn't allow himself to cry, as he knew if he began, he would never possess the strength to stop. Instead, he moved on, and put it as far out of his brain as possible.

Releasing a painful sigh, Kendall scrolled back up, stabbing Jo's name with a skinny pointer finger. She was the only person left that he felt comfortable enough to call without an introduction.

"Jo?" He asked, with a tinge of enthusiasm when the girl picked up her phone.

"Kendall?" She replied, surprised. She couldn't remember an out of school conversation (aside from the market place) she'd ever had with the boy.

"Hi,"

"Hey,"

"What's up?" Kendall needed to talk to someone. While he and Jo were relatively close, he didn't care at all who he was speaking to, at the moment. He'd never felt so desperate to get something off his chest. He needed to just... talk. He needed to, he needed to, he needed to.

"I'm actually with my boyfriend…" She said, awkwardly. Kendall felt his face fall,

"Oh,"

"Was there something you needed?"

Silence.

"Kendall?"

"No, I just… wanted to see... if you wanted to talk, that's all." He said hurriedly, stumbling over his words.

"Oh," Jo replied, her voice dripping with guilt. "I'm sorry! I'd love to, but I can't really right now. Maybe later, or something?"

"Yeah," Kendall answered, "Maybe later."

"Ok," She said, making a mental reminder to call him later. She'd known Kendall for years, and he'd never once wanted to talk. "Alright,"

"Bye," He said, blunt and stupid. Kendall pressed "end call" before the girl could give her goodbye. He felt like an idiot, but more importantly, Kendall felt 100%, utterly, completely, undeniably alone.

For the first time in his life, he realized that he had absolutely no one. Kendall sighed again, closing his phone, throwing it onto his bed. He slumped down against one of the faintly painted wall, and began to list al l the good in his life, as he did whenever he felt overwhelmed by the bad.

The first thing he thought of was his hockey team. While he rarely socialized with any of the players off of the field, he was a God among mortals during game time, and everyone respected him. Kendall sincerely believed he could make it in the major leagues, though he tried not to hope, as he didn't look forward to the rejection he knew would follow.

Hockey was the first thing on Kendall's list. The blonde often had nightmares about how quickly his team mates would turn on him if the fact that he was gay went public. They stored their clothing in a small, heated locker room, and all of the players would strip down to their nothing before stepping into one of the open showers. Though it was embarrassing for him to acknowledge, all the exposed flesh that pressed up against his body as his team mates pushed through the crowded room made it near impossible to keep down an erection. Kendall often had to picture his Grandmother in the nude to maintain his cool.

The blonde shook off the thought, and continued down his list.

Katie was a good thing. He shrugged; But not at the moment. She'd been distant and secretive and jumpy and dishonest and he wanted no part of her until the old Katie had been revived. His sister was immediately removed from the "Good things in Kendall's life" list.

His health was alright. His grades were fine. He had a house, he had Grandparents, he had a job. He had good things in his life. His life was fine. Sure, it was difficult, but it was fine. Kendall suddenly hurled over, the lie making his stomach churn, the presure sending beads of sweat down his face, sprinkling his neck.

_It's fine._

And almost in a dream like state, Kendall began to speak out loud as he dug through the bottom drawer in his dresser, throwing pants and shirts and socks to the floor.

"My life is fine. It's fine." He said, quietly, as his eyes met the Swiss army knife his father had left him in the back of the mess. He held it with a firm grip,

"My life is _not _fine." He said, through clenched teeth. Kendall sat back onto his knees and watched the sharp knife jump from its shiny red holder. He watched his own reflection, mirrored in the flat blade. Gingerly, he brought the knife up to his skin, and held it there, his blood flowing at a normal pace, his heart beating no faster than usual. _Friendless. Faggot. Orphan. Looser. Failure. You can't even take care of your own sister. _

Even so, even with everything that was going on, everything that hurt, everything that stung and sucked, he still had enough sense to pull the blade from his skin, and put it back into the knife. He didn't need to hurt himself to feel better.

His life was fine. Besides, he had a lab report to type up. Kendall stuffed the knife back into his drawer, and opened his bag, ashamed at himself for letting his emotions surface, ashamed for almost loosing control, even if just for a moment.

"My life is fine," He said, stiff with confidence. He opened then closed his science book, flung himself onto the bed, and fell asleep in all of his clothing.

* * *

><p>Back at the market, Logan had sunken against a freezer, deciding to let Kendall go without a fight. The blonde obviously didn't want anyone coming after him, especially not his ex best friend.<p>

Logan hated himself. He hated himself more than he could put into words. He let his head fall against his knees, in tired defeat.

Logan hated himself.

As he sat with his back to the freezer door, trying to muster up to strength to stand, the song "Don't Know What You Got 'till It's Gone" by Cinderalla began to play from the speaker above his head. He laughed at the irony.  
>Fast, anxious footsteps began to sound from down the isle.<p>

"Kendall!" Shouted the desperate Latino. He threw his arms in distress, and then looked down. The brunette sat at his feet, suddenly humiliated. Logan stood quickly, and their nervous eyes touched.

"Logan?" Carlos asked, directly above his coworker. The brunette couldn't respond,

"H-Hey," He stuttered, confident he'd been caught. The Latino looked him up and down,

"How long have you been over here?"

"Long enough," He replied, coolly deciding that if he was to go down, it would be with dignity and reason.

"Oh," Carlos said, dumbfounded. Logan left wordlessly, then crossed the floor over to the blonde's register, taking on the role of Kendall. It didn't matter if the Latino didn't like him; If he was talking badly about him behind his back. Kendall only spoke out of hurt, and he was all that mattered.

"Where are you…" The Latino trailed off, as he watched the brunette set up camp behind the counter next to his.

"Kendall doesn't seem to be coming back," He explained, tonelessly, "And I've got nothing else to do."

"Oh… ok," Carlos replied, uncomfortably. There was no doubt in his mind that the boy had heard their entire conversation. He wanted so desperately to ask, but he was terrified of the reply that might follow.

The two worked in silence until both their shifts were up, and the night workers took over. As they crossed to the back room, Logan purposely shoved into the Latino, with force and aggression.

"Ow," He moaned, reflexively.

"Listen," Logan ordered, normally nowhere as bold or direct as he was about to demonstrate. He promised himself this was the last straw. He was done with alcohol. He was done with drugs and cussing. He was done with fitted hats and pants that fell too far past his buttocks. He was done, and this was his last hurrah. "What you said…"

"So you heard," Carlos said, awkwardly averting his eyes.

"You don't know me." Logan began, pushing himself up onto his tippy toes, as to properly threaten the Latino. "You don't know what happened between me and Kendall. You don't know what I've been through-"

"Are you shitting?" Carlos laughed, throwing the brunette entirely off guard.

"Excuse me?" He asked.

"Don't play the victim,"

"What?"

"Don't even start with me." Carlos argued, having been pushed past his peak, "Everything that's happend to you, you've done to yourself. You're trash. You're weak."

"You don't know me,"

"I swear to God, I know you better than you know yourself."

Logan growled, but pursed his lips together and decided to drop it before he lost his temper. As he walked out to the car in solitudef, he replayed the night's events, seriously doubting that Carlos knew him better than he knew himself.

There was no possible way the Latino could know how miserable he was, because he wanted so badly to go back to his life before Sophomore year; that he was starting to come to the realization that he had a crush on his ex-best friend; that he would never rekindle his friendship with Kendall, because he had become such a worthless piece of garbage.

He seriously doubted that Carlos was that observant.

* * *

><p>Monday came quickly.<p>

Logan had spent the entirety of the weekend with his face buried deep into his materess, not quite sleeping, but hardly awake. All he could think about was Kendall.

To the pleasure of both Carlos and Logan, the Latino had been assigned to shelve duty at work after school that day. He and the blonde had been avoiding one another ever since their falling out.

Kendall walked in, unfazed to see Logan next to the empty register.

"Hey," He said boldly, as the blonde slid behind his work station, and dropped his backpack underneath the counter.

"Hi," He replied, without making eye contact. Logan felt his heart sink. He'd been looking forward to talking with the boy the entire weekend. He'd hoped he would extend just a fraction of the enthusiasm he put out.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"...Ready for the Spanish test on Wednesday?" Logan asked, awkwardly.

"I guess," Kendall answered, his attention drawn to the new book in his hand.

"Me too." Logan drummed his fingers against the counter. He wanted to ask about Katie, though he knew it wasn't his place.

Truth be told, if the boy had bothered asking, Kendall probably would have told him everything and more, as his sister had been out until 3 in the morning the following night.

_"Where the hell where you?" _

_He asked, lighting the empty hall with a flash light._

_"Why are you still awake?" Katie blurt, with an equal amount of authority._

_"I was waiting for you," He said, his eyes closed, his hands on either side of his head._

_"You didn't need to do that," Katie snapped, walking up the hall, slamming her bedroom door closed. "It's like you don't even trust me!" Kendall cringed. He'd had this conversation so many times over the past few weeks. Who the hell was this? This wasn't Katie. Katie was smart and sweet and kind and soft._

_"I-I'm, I'm sorry," He tried, feeling small and vulnerable. No reply. She walked off into her room, exaggerating her steps. "I—I love you, Katie." No reply._

_Hold it, Kendall told himself, breathing sharply._

"It probably won't be hard." Logan said, pulling the boy back to reality.

"Yeah, Spanish isn't bad." Kendall opinionated, vaguely.

"Yeah,"

"Mhm,"

Logan tilted his smile, when he realized the conversation was to the point of no revival. He sighed, and turned back to his work, for only a moment.

Their shift dragged on and on, and Logan couldn't tear his gaze away from the back of Kendall's head. Even the back of his head was handsome.

"Hey," Logan said into the phone, as he walked out to his car after his shift. James had called him at least four times in the course of an hour, so the pretty boy was relived when his friend responded on the fifth try.

"Finally," James breathed.

"What's up?"

"I totally have shit to tell you," He said, flamboyantly as a school girl.

"Shit, away." He offered, exhausted and discouraged by the days events.

"So I'm gonna introduce Katie to my Mom,"

"What? Seriously?" Mrs. Diamond loathed every single girl her son brought home . He sincerely couldn't imagine anyone hating Katie, though. Then again, the girls who slept with James ranged from honor roll students to sluts, and his mother hated each one.

"Yeah,"

"It's that serious?"

"Well," He began, tasting the words before letting them go, "We're like… sort of official. But not public."

"Ok…"

"And it's really nice to just be committed, you know? To have the same person in your arms every night. It's really nice."

"Hm,"

"She's so smart, too. Like I can talk to her about all this complicated shit, and she totally gets it. I'm just like… I don't know. I seriously just hope she doesn't screw it up."

_And there's the classic James Diamond charm. _Logan thought, bitterly. The pretty boy was always shifting the blame onto others, and that was partially the reason why he was such a screw up. His mother had done the same to him during the course of his upbringing, and he learned to point fingers by sheer observation, combined with his ridiculous sense of self importance.

"Mmm," Logan hummed, unenthusiastically. James always caught him during the climax of his bad moods.

"And I'm just really excited, because I know my mom'll like her." Logan could hear the smile in his voice.

"And if she doesn't?"

"Then we'll just fuck at her house from then on," James shrugged, obviously having given the concept some thought. "But yeah, how's everything on your end?"

Logan heaved. "As far as…?"

"Didn't you have a... thing going on?"

"No…?"

"Yes you did; That boy you were complaining about a little while ago. How's that going?" Logan sighed, sliding into the driver's seat as he looked back to the market place, wistfully.

"Awful."

"Aw," James sympathized. "Sucks."

"Yehp."

"I'll tell you what," The pretty boy offered, "I'm gonna find you someone different."

"I—"

"I can hook you up with one of my ex's if you want?" _ I don't want a hand-me-down hoe from James; I want Kendall. _

"I don't want—"

"Oh." James said, "Right, I forgot; you're bi."

"…James,"

"But dosen't that mean you still like girls?"

"I—"

"Maybe you could try going out with one of them, and if it doesn't work, you can date someone else."

"But James—"

"And I'll keep an eye out for fags, but I can't make any promises; I don't generally associate with 'em."

"But James—"

"I know, I know." He reassured, "You're the exception, don't worry. And I'm gonna do the best I can to try and find you a homo, but I can't make any promises. I really think you'd have an easier time just choosing one gender and sticking with it."

"Oh my god, _James, _I don't want—" Logan often found it difficult to believe that he once idolized the stupid boy.

"Ok, _ok, _I'll just keep my eye out."

"Fine."

"And if I run into any faggots, you'll be the first to know."

Logan sighed,

"Ok,"

"Don't worry Kiddo,"

"Thanks," Logan replied, bleakly.

"When it comes to love," James said, with a nauseating level of arrogance, "I'm your guy."

"I—"

"Well, not like that. I mean… like, I've got your back. I'm there for you. I'll keep a look out for your guy though. Or girl."

"Guy," Logan replied in a hush.

"What?"

"I'd rather…" He breathed, "If you really need to try and set me up, look for… look for a guy, if you can." Maybe that was what he needed. Maybe Kendall was a lost cause. Maybe he needed something to distract him; to get his mind off his beautiful ex best friend. At the moment, he felt that if he were to become… intimate with someone, he would prefer it be a man.

"I will," James said, like a man with a mission. As the call broke, and Logan forced the phone back into his pants pocket, the brunette seriously doubted that his friend would come through for him.


	9. Guess Who Found a Faggot

**_A/N: Wow.. I haven't updated in a million years. _**  
><strong><em>HERES THE NEXT CHAPTER<em>**  
><strong><em>Please read and review; it would make me very glad. Thanks! <em>**

* * *

><p>The rest of the week followed the same routine. Kendall and Carlos didn't interact, Logan would forge a brief conversation with the blonde, Katie wouldn't come home until late, and James would call Logan at ungodly hours of the day to complain about nothing.<p>

It was Friday, and the market was more crowded than usual. While it was true that they were the town's central grocery store, they didn't draw a tremendous crowd of customers.

"Hey," Said a boy about their age, who began to unload his cart onto Kendall's conveyer belt. He was hardly an inch over the blonde, and he had an obvious surfer's body, with his strong calves and bulging biceps. Though Logan was bi, he was gay enough to know that the boy was Chase Crawford on a scale of Christopher Walken to Brad Pitt. He had sweet black hair that fell in curls across his bronzed skin, and a serious smile that pushed his cheek bones even higher up the side of his chiseled face. His eyes were bright and blue, and he stood with such an overwhelming aura of undeserved self confidence and arrogance, that Logan couldn't imagine anyone taking him seriously, ever.

"Hi," Kendall replied, dramatically more attractive than the beautiful man.

The blonde began to scan the food as it rolled past; Logan took note of the countless boxes of cookies, bags of chips, mini hotdogs, seltzer and coca-cola, subtly surprised; the kid looked as if he lived on a strict diet of protein shakes and steak.

"Big party," The boy explained with a hard, white small. "Yeah, so you can just imagine my joy when I found out you were selling 2 for 1 soda pop." Logan had to scoff: Who still said "soda pop"?

"We're great like that," Kendall laughed politely. The boy lay a hairy arm on the metal of the conveyer belt, suddenly taking note of the attractive cashier. Logan didn't like him.

"You bet. You're in high school?" He asked.

"I'm a senior." Kendall replied,

"No kidding! Me too! You're at Palm Woods then, I'm assuming."

"Yeah, well," Said the blonde, "It is the only public school in the city."

"I'm surprised we've never seen each other before," The boy expressed suavely.

"Well, there are like… 4000 kids at our school."

"You're right," He said, bringing his voice down to a seductive whisper, "I think you'd be easy to pick out of a crowd." Logan nearly choked. His gay-dar suddenly set off.

Kendall dipped his head as an attempt to hide his blush.

"Nah," He said, sheepishly.

"No, really," The boy pressed on, "I bet you could spot eyes like those from a mile away." Logan tensed. He was certainly gay. No doubt about it. And a slut... No doubt about it.

"Nah," The blonde said again.

"Well then you obviously have never seen a mirror."

He was flirting with Kendall. Kendall! He was flirting with _his_ man! _What a fucker! _Logan thought, sadistically, _What a waste of time. _Kendall isn't even gay! What an idiot. What an assfuck!__

_The brunette had to shake his head. He sighed, internally; He wasn't supposed to become intimidated by the presence of another bi or homosexual male. Kendall wasn't his. Kendall was straight, and more than that, he hated Logan, so in return, Logan either had to clean up his act as he'd said he'd do a dozen times before, or learn to genuinely loathe the blonde. _

_While Logan had promised himself the week before that he had finished with the stupid habits that landed him in this position, he'd gotten drunk nearly every night for the past 4 days. With each swig, a slurred, "This is the last time, this is the last one." was audible beneath that sound of his guzzling._

_ He sincerely wanted to believe that he was finished, but he couldn't break the habit. A possible, potential friendship with Kendall Knight wasn't enough motivation; So what if there was a chance he could rekindle his relationship with an old pal? So what? Kendall was a judgmental bastard, anyway, who could never love— like__ him back. Not even as a friend. That was something that deserved a drink... _

"Ha," Kendall smiled, visibly embarrassed. Logan couldn't tell if his discomfort was a result of genuine humiliation and disgust, or… No, it couldn't be.

"Listen, what time do you get off work?" The boy asked, officially revealing his interest in the blonde. Kendall pursed his lips,

"Not until later,"

"Well, when later comes, you should definitely swing by my house. The party'll be going on all night." He smiled, printing his address on the back of his receipt.

Kendall bit into his lip, undeniably flattered. Logan felt his jaw fall open. Did Kendall not realize that the boy was trying desperately to get into his pants? Why wasn't he angry? Offended? Furious? If he didn't know any better, Logan might go as far as to say the boy appeared… flattered?

"I'll see," He shrugged, through an underhanded smile.

"And you can totally feel free to bring your girlfriend," The boy tested, artfully, "Or whatever." Kendall laughed, lightly,

"No, I don't—I'm single," he admitted, completely conscience of the boy's attempts. Logan scoffed.

"Even better," He smirked, handing the boy a fifty dollar bill, as he wrapped his grip around his grocery bags, dumping them into his cart. Kendall opened the cash register, and peeled a $10 bill from the drawer,

_You have got to be kidding me… _Logan thought, loudly.

"Here's your change-"

"Relax," Said the boy, throwing his hand extravagantly.

"You don't…"

"Hold on to it," He smiled, obviously amusing himself. Kendall laughed, uncomfortably,

"But it was only $39.50…"

"Keep it,"

"But –"

"You can give it to me later, if it means that much to you…" The boy trailed off, throwing his hand as he realized he didn't know the cashier's name,

"Kendall," the blonde contributed, through a weak smile.

"Nice to meet you Kendall," He said, holding out his hand, "I'm Jett,"

"Hi Jett," Logan was confident his eyes were going to bug out of their sockets. Kendall had to know that the boy was hitting on him. There was no way he was that oblivious. He couldn't tell if Kendall was actually… responding to the boy's enthusiasm, or simply being polite. Or if he was really that much of an air head.

"So I'll see you tonight?" Jett confirmed, as he placed both his hands on the front of the cart.

"It would be a lot easier to give you your change now, though—" Logan couldn't help but laugh.

Kendall turned to him, having completely forgotten that there were other people in the market. He gave the brunette a sheepish shrug, and Logan felt his heart inflate.

"I'm going to be honest, Kendall," Jett said, as he began to push towards the exit. "Money is something I can look at it any time I want, but I don't know if I'm ever going to get a chance to see eyes as green and bright as yours, again." The blonde's face drowned in a deep blush, entirely absorbing the compliment.

"Ah," He tried, through a crooked smile. Logan snorted, entirely repulsed. He couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. He couldn't believe he was hitting on Kendall; Kendall who was, as far as he knew, 100% straight. Kendall, who entirely belonged to Logan's imagination. Kendall, who, if even had the slightest interest in the same gender, would be Logan's, and Logan's alone. But he was straight. Right?

"You're very direct," Kendall laughed, admitting that he saw through the boy's praise. Logan was desperate to know how the blonde felt about the flirtatious customer.

"Is that a good thing?" Jett asked, through half of a smile, obviously sharing Logan's curiosity. Logan waited, making no effort to hide the fact that he was listening, intensely.

"I don't know," Kendall decided, nodding slightly. The blonde's response did little to confirm his suspicion.

"Well if you prefer I be direct," Jett said, confidently, "I think you're a very interesting, _attractive_ person, and, if it's something that _interests_ you, I'd like you to come to my party later on, and I'd really _love _to get to know you better," Logan rolled his eyes, nauseously. He couldn't believe this guy. If he hadn't been dealing with a customer, he would have walked over to the second register and beat the living day lights out of him.

_That is _my _man… _Logan thought, furiously. To his absolute disgust, Kendall's face turned a bright shade of red, and he bit into his lower lip,

"Ah…" Said the blonde, awkwardly.

"Just think about it," Jett contributed, "If it's something that interests you,"

"I don't know," Kendall admitted quietly, meeting the boy's eyes. .

"Oh?" Logan's mouth wrapped around the vowel as it was spoken by the customer. Kendall shrugged,

"I don't really…"

"Then maybe you can come by and sort out your feelings. I'll see you tonight?"

"We'll see," Kendall returned, sticking by his original answer.

"I can pick you up, if you want," Jett offered, not quite ready to give up.

"It's fine," Kendall said, looking the boy's address up and down, "It's close."

"Then it looks as if you're out of excuses." Kendall rolled his eyes, in exaggerated exhaustion,

"Fine, yeah. I'll be there." The blonde honestly found the customer's abrasive personality a bit over bearing; he had never really quite imagined himself as a bottom, though he felt that if he were to ever hit the sack with Jett, there was no way in hell he would try and control that… very demanding, persuasive individual. Jett's personality was too over bearing and dominating, and it wasn't Kendall's type.

He preferred being the leading one in a relationship, as the thought of taking care of someone, putting his arm around their shoulder, holding them around the waist, was something he found endearing. Jett made him feel submissive, vulnerable, and willful, worst of all. He felt odd and dirty, even if not extremely flattered.

"Great," Jett said, making no effort to hide his delight. He turned on a cliffhanger, and pushed his cart through the automatic doors into the parking lot, swishing his hips. Kendall couldn't help but grin, more out of disbelief than anything else. Men came onto him just as often as women did, and that was rarely. Kendall hardly thought of himself as attractive; He was strong, both physically and emotionally. He was studious and athletic. He was older than his years, and he was polite and empathetic... but attractive? Interesting?

Logan, on the other hand, had been insulted most by the suave customer's word choice, in addition to his overall existence. _Interesting and attractive? _Logan scoffed, in his head. _Try beautiful… devoted and driven…amazing and… *Sigh* ... _He had entirely given up on trying to deny his attraction to Kendall Knight.

Attraction had been an understatement, actually; Logan loved his old friend more than he could put into words. He loved him more than he loathed himself. He loved him, and he had lost him, and he had never felt so worthless. He desperately wished that loathing someone he loved could be as easy as hating himself.

As Jett turned to give the blonde one last tempting smirk from the long window that ran the length of the market's front wall, Logan was surprised as he heard himself snort. Kendall looked to him, hesitantly,

"Sorry," Logan covered, quickly. He knew it wasn't his place to get involved. He knew he and Kendall hadn't quite reached that level in their relationship yet where they could tease each other and scoff, let alone share a dialogue consisting of more than one sentence.

"What?" Kendall asked, innocently.

"It was just sort of funny," Logan blurt, desperate to know how the blonde was reacting to this situation. "Like, what… was all the about? That guy put the 'I' in subtle." Instead of laughing, finding Logan's blunt, undisguised physique endearing, Kendall stiffened, then shifted his weight onto one leg.

"Yeah," He confirmed. Logan bit into his lip, unsure whether it was right to press on, or not.

"…Sorry," He said. The blonde felt his face turn that familiar shade of crimson.

"No, it's fine…" He returned, bringing his attention back to his book.

"It's not my place," Logan mumbled into his shirt collar. Kendall laughed, which made the brunette drop his gaze.

"Relax; worse things have happened." Said the blonde, with an unintentionally wistful undertone.

"Do you…" Kendall asked after a few moments of silence, "Do you think I should go…?" Logan looked up to see his coworker's eyes latched onto his book..

"If you wanna get raped, then sure, yeah." Logan blurt, startling himself. "Oh shit, I'm sorry-" He muttered under his breath.

"Heh," Kendall smirked, suddenly. He felt a smile push through his grimace, and then he began to chuckle.

"Oh God, you're right." He continued, drawing his gaze away from his novel, "I'll have to bring pepper spray."

Logan snorted, "Or a water gun."

"Or a tennis racket; that kid was huge. Did you see the size of his hands?"

"You know what big hands mean?" Logan smirked,

"Big gloves?" Kendall returned. The brunette fell over his counter, laughing so hard his lungs couldn't inflate fast enough. When he calmed down, he heard his heart drumming in his head when he noticed Kendall's eyes on his, without a hint of judgment.

"I wouldn't go, though." Logan forced, feeling brave enough to push the statement from his firmly clamped lips. Kendall laughed,

"Why not?"

"I don't," He shrugged, "I mean, I don't like that kind of-…"

The blonde waited, genuinely anticipating his ex-best friend's insight. "What?".

"I just think his expectations are gonna be pretty high," Logan blushed. "In all seriousness, I do think he was looking for you to do more than come…"

"Pun intended?" Kendall asked, making the two of them laugh. When he calmed down, Logan looked serious,

"I don't think it's a great idea… I mean like, if you do go, maybe you shouldn't go alone." He opinionated heavily. "Especially if you're not… into… that… sort of thing…"

"I'm not gonna go," Kendall smirked, remembering his pact to separate himself from drugs, from alcohol, from sex and smoke and all the other vices that corrupted his best friend.

"Have you been to a party before?" Logan asked. Kendall shook his head in return.

"Really?" He laughed, hardly incredulous. Kendall smiled again, and turned back to his work. Logan was desperate to keep the conversation going long enough to find out the boy's sexuality. He had to be bi, at the least. He was flirting with the flirt; there was no doubt in his mind. He had to be bi. And that meant Logan had a shot. Sort of.

But maybe he was just being polite. Maybe he thought it was just a friendly invitation, and maybe his gay-dar hadn't even gone off upon talking to Jett.

Maybe Logan had no shot at all.

Suddenly, a light went off in the brunette's head. Maybe he _did _have shot. Maybe he could convince Kendall to go to the party with him, then demonstrate what a great guy he'd become.

Yes.

Logan had a shot.

"Uh," Kendall began, suddenly regretting calling the boy's attention. "I don't really want to do…" And then he stopped, feeling his face flush. Logan bit into his smile.

"Sounds like it'll be fun, though." He continued, relieving the blonde of his embarrassment. "I mean cheese doodles and soda pop?"

Kendall laughed. He knew what happened at high school parties. "Sure, and all the weed that you can snort, or whatever the hell you do with it…" It was Logan's turn to chortle.

"You don't snort weed…"

"I forgot; you know all about that sort of stuff," Kendall said, distantly. He blinked, realizing the impact the few words had had. It was his turn to say, "_Oh shit"_.

Logan hung his head,

"I've stopped," He defended, quietly. While this wasn't quite true, the brunette suddenly wished for nothing more than a clean slate.

Kendall's eyes became wide with disbelief; the simple sentence sent his heart straight into his throat. And though he had seen the boy just a week ago, high as a kite, covered in mouse traps, he wanted to believe his claim to be true more than he wanted anything in the entire world. He suddenly realized how much he missed his friendship with Logan.

"I don't do that anymore," Said the brunette, his confidence rising as he watched Kendall's face distort, a wave of different emotions dancing across his pale face.

"Oh,"

"And besides," Logan said, finding the strength to continue, "I've heard stories about that kid. He's as prude as a Jonas Brother." Kendall had to laugh. "James and I crashed one of his parties once; The worst that went on was a wicked round of spin the bottle, and a pin the tail on the donkey that was being neglected for the twister mat."

"That sounds sort of fun," The blonde admitted, taking in every word the boy was offering. "But I'm confident I'm going to get raped, so I think I'm gonna have to pass."

"Just don't go alone."

"I don't know," Kendall protested, "I don't get off until later, and I have to get home for… Katie…" His voice became quiet as he realized no matter what time he returned home, he'd be in bed before his sister.

"I think it'll be fun," Logan said, confident that if he could convince the blonde to go, he could prove how much he'd changed.

"I don't really want to," The brunette sighed.

"I really doubt there's going to be alcohol. And if there is, no one's going to force you to touch it." It was the blonde's turn to sigh,

"I just don't—"

"You don't have to go," Logan laughed, redirecting his persuasion. He knew Kendall too well to know that if he kept on trying, eventually he'd give in. Kendall smiled lightly, with a tint of regret. He wanted to go, of course he did. What he didn't want was exposure to the toxicants that took his best friend. He couldn't risk it.

"I know,"

"But I have nothing to do after work," The brunette began, bravely. "What's his address?"

"I'm pretty sure it's invitation only," Kendall scoffed, returning to his book.

"He said you were free to bring a girlfriend or whatever." Logan repeated, shocking even himself that he remembered the offer, word for word. "I'll go as your whatever." The blonde rolled his eyes,

"Oh my god…"

"What?" The brunette returned, innocently. Kendall pursed his lips, visibly aggravated, but not quite angry. Logan fought to suppress a laugh.

"The invitation seemed pretty open. I'm sure he won't mind me there."

"And if you end up drinking? How do you plan on getting home?"

"Then I won't drink. I already told you, I've stopped that sort of stuff, and there's like only a slim chance that Jett'll has friends over 21 who can buy him any beer, anyway."

"You're not really going, are you?" He moaned. Logan bit into his smile,

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" Kendall heaved. _Hook, line, anddddd…_ Logan thought, victoriously.

"Fine; I'll go." _Sinker. _"But only as a… a… designated driver,"

"I'm not going to drink, because there won't be anything _to _drink."

"Fine." Kendall huffed, clearly unhappy. "Just in case."

Logan beamed.

"Ok,"

Kendall pulled his phone out from his pocket, and sent a quick message to his sister:

**_"Going out, won't be home until later." _**

Katie sat up in James's bed, entirely unclothed aside from the thin sheet of blanket that came up to her knees.

"It's my brother," She explained dizzily, as the boy continued to gnaw at her neck.

"Teeeeffffhmmmmhaaah," He moaned, with a mouth full of flesh.

"What?" She laughed, her fingers dancing across the keyboard on her phone.

"Tell him I say hi," He said, through a suave smile.

"How about no," She smirked as she pressed the "send" button.

"You met my Mother," He argued, through a pout.

"And she hated me."

"Not true- she hates everyone—she only mildly disliked you."

"Same thing,"

"I want to meet your brother,"

"You've met him!" She sneered, rubbing his bare chest with her small hands.

"Not formally!" He defended, "I want to meet him as James Diamond, Katie Knight's boyfriend."

"No you don't," She said, suddenly realizing that the boy was serious.

"I'm going to," He warned.

"I don't think he likes you…" She confided.

"What? Everyone likes me!"

"You _are_ sleeping with his little sister…"

"I've slept with dozens of girl's with big brothers before..."

"Lovely,"

"The point is," He said, flipping over, "I want to share everything with you. I want to know everything about you, and that includes meeting the boy who raised you,"

"I understand," She said, "But not yet."

"I've seen him a few times, though," He said, kissing at her neck, making her eyes roll up into the back of her head. "He's always with his girlfriend. The blonde. He seems chill. "

"Who?" Katie asked, struggling to focus, as she grabbed the boy by the hair.

"The blonde. She's tall and skinny, perky boobs, long hair… She's in my drawing class... Jo?" Katie didn't know anyone named Jo.

"There's no way they're together… Kendall's gay," She explained, amused by the idea of her brother dating a girl. James pulled back abruptly.

"Wait, seriously?"

Katie bit into her tongue, startled that she could share such personal, secretive information with hardly any prompting.

"Shhh," She pleaded, sitting up, pushing the boy off of her body. She was startled by the fact that sitting in absolute nudity with a boy she'd known for only a few weeks wasn't awkward in the least. It was just comfortable.

"You can't repeat that. It's a secret."

"Katie, who would I tell?"

"Fine. Just... forget I told you. He's not out, officially. Just… please." She said, as she leaned in to kiss the boy. James wrapped his arms around the girl, suddenly remembering the one person he _would_ tell. After a few minutes of quiet kisses, Katie sat up, ripping one of his button down shirts off the side of his bed.

"We should get going," She decided, standing up, throwing the shirt over her body. "I have homework I haven't started." James followed, grabbing a pair of pants, pulling them over his bottom half.

Before boarding into the pretty boy's car, Katie looked hesitantly back to the house.

"Would you give me a sec? I need to pee." James smirked, and dropped into the driver's seat. He waited a few seconds before pulling out his cell phone and typing a message out to his friend.

**_"Guess who found a faggot!"_**

Logan watched Kendall intently from the passenger's seat, as they both sat in the blonde's car. Logan had dropped his car off in front of Kendall's house. Kendall had insisted that the two drive together, as it would prove easier in the long run, if Logan became intoxicated. While the brunette defended to the death that he would emerge sober, Kendall didn't seem convinced, and Logan was grateful for his futile defense, as he loved the closeness between himself and the blonde.

"**_Who?" _**Logan typed back, after staring at the message for a full three seconds. Kendall looked over to him, though kept his mouth shut. The ride was uncomfortable and quiet, and Logan was suddenly grateful for the pretty boy's intrusion. As he waited for James's reply, Logan couldn't help but turn his attention to the conversation Jett and Kendall had had earlier that day. Kendall couldn't be gay; But he didn't necessarily seem disinterested by the boy's offer. He was dying to know. He literally had to clench his teeth to avoid asking. He needed to know.

And almost as if someone was listening to his prayers, the boy's cell phone rang once.

"**_Aprntly Katie's brother's gay. How great am I?" _**Logan froze, as he read the next message. Reflexively, he gave Kendall a wide eyed glare, before shaking himself and returning to the text. _No._ He thought. It couldn't be.

**_"How do u know?"_**

**_"She told me."_**

**_"Kendall!"_**

**_"Yup. Welcome."_**

Logan sat in shock. He wondered briefly if James knew the history between him and Kendall, then shook it off, realizing that even if he did, he wouldn't have cared, or taken that into consideration. Slowly, Logan pushed his phone back into his pants pocket, his heart in his throat, beating out of sync to his breathing.

_Kendall was gay. _

And then the realization of the current situation hit.

Logan was in a car with Kendall Knight on their way to a party, and Kendall Knight was a faggot.

_Holy Fuck. _He thought, through fragmented breath, _There better be alcohol at this party._


	10. Interesting and Attractive

**A/N: THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR REVIEWS! :D I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.**

**if you're reading "from here to Texas" EXPECT AN UPDATE LATER TMROW.  
>THANKS AGAIN! <strong>

* * *

><p>"Can I walk you in?" James asked, as he pulled up into Katie's driveway. She smirked, sympathetically.<p>

"I don't think so…"

"But you said your brother's not coming home for a while!" He protested, determined to get inside her house.

"So?"

"And your Grandparents are senile…"

"Yeah, so?"

"And I just… really thought you liked me…"

"Yeah, but…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She laughed, coming to the realization that her arguments were going to fail her in the long run. James opened the door, then pranced out onto the front steps.

"James!" She hissed, her voice hardly above a whisper.

"Katie!" He said, through a smile.

"No!"

"Yes?"

She huffed, then held up a hand.

"Five minutes. And then you have to go away." James bounced on his heel, in obvious victory.

"Sweet."

* * *

><p>Kendall and Logan pulled into the driveway, hardly surprised to hear music blaring from every window, and lights blinking subtly. It didn't seem too crowded, but that didn't mean the party wasn't going to be wild.<p>

The pair walked onto the front porch,

"You wanna knock?" Logan offered, grimacing at the nervous blonde. The text from James increased his excitement along with his anxiety, but already, he wasn't feeling great. _Maybe this was a bad idea,_ he thought.

He remembered being so proud, having convinced his ex best friend to attend a potentially crazy event with him in hopes of demonstrating what a swell guy he'd become, and or getting the boy drunk. Either would be fine, but now Logan wasn't so sure. If Kendall was in fact gay, it wouldn't make a difference, as he still would only look to Logan with an eye of disgust.

There was no way a similar sexual orientation would change his opinion.  
><em>But then why would he have come out with me...? <em>Logan tried to convince himself. It was no use, though. While Kendall claimed to come as only a designated driver, Logan knew this was the truth, as his eyes were dead like stone, and his lack of enthusiasm was contagious.

_He doesn't want me to die.. It's a start._

Kendall smirked as he made a fist, then rapped against the front door until he heard faint footsteps under the music.

"Oh my god," Gushed the customer, in a metallic purple shirt that was partially undone. He wore sparkly black skinny jeans, and his hair was so shiny and slick, that Logan wondered if someone had tried to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with his head. "You actually came." Kendall smiled as Logan shifted uncomfortably.

"And who's this?" Jett continued, running his gaze up and down the brunette, intimidatingly. He obviously wasn't expecting the supermarket blonde to show up at his house with another man.

Kendall shrugged, "He likes parties..."

"Well, great!" He said, accepting the answer. "Come on, in!" Kendall and Logan stepped into the house, immediately impressed by the lavish abode. The house was beautiful and expensive, as they could tell from the dimly lit environment. The hallway was cluttered with teens that stood and swayed to the music, classy martini glasses in hand. It didn't appear to be even border line chaotic, just classy, which was an odd change of environment for Logan. The smell of alcohol was faint, though enough to make Kendall nervous.

"How do you two know each other?" Jett asked, standing in between the two as he led them to the heart of the party. He had to shout over the music.

"We work together," Logan answered, having to press himself up to the host's ear to be heard.

"Oh," He replied sloppily, letting on that he was already a bit tipsy. "Why'd you bring him,

"He likes parties," Kendall repeated, awkwardly.

"I mean like," Jett continued, throwing a hand, flamboyantly, "Are you two…."

"Are we two…_ what?_" Logan asked. He knew exactly what the boy meant, but he wanted to hear it, anyway. He wanted someone else to say it. He wanted to hear it, and he wanted to let it run through his ears; he wanted to know if it sounded as ridiculous as he thought it would.

"Like…"

"No," Kendall said quickly. Logan's face fell. "No, not at all, no." Jett released a sigh of relief, while the brunette had to bite into his lip to prevent a reaction. _Crap._ He thought.

"Oh," Jett smiled. "Well, then," He turned to Logan, sympathetically. "I guess he won't mind if I steal you for the night?"

Suavely, he dropped his hand and slipped it into Kendall's, making the blonde blush uncomfortably.

"Ah…" He mustered, immediately reclaiming his hand, putting it up into his chest.

"Can I get you a drink?" Jett offered, ignoring Kendall's withdrawal.

"I don't drink," He admitted.

"I'd like one." Logan piped up.

"The bars over there," Jett replied, with not a hint of enthusiasum.

"Great…"

Logan spent the night curled up next to a few girls he recognized from school. He couldn't believe what he'd gotten himself into.

Jett and Kendall sat on the other side of the room, talking, hitting it off surprisingly well. Kendall even downed a bloody mary, proud and surprised at how well he could hold his liquir.

"It's not a sin to let loose every once in a while," Jett sneered, dipping a finger into his beverage then drawing it seductively across his lips. Kendall smirked, looking back to see Logan, who didn't apear to be having a terrible time. Their eyes met, and the brunette looked away quickly, pretending they hadn't. He quickly laughed loudly at something a girl next to him had or hadn't said.

Kendall felt his jaw clench; He was a user... an egocentric bitch. How had they ever been friends?

"What are you looking at?" Jett asked, following Kendall's gaze. The blonde shook it off, and turned to face the boy,

"Nothing"

"Him?"

"What?"

"Him. Oh God, he's so queer," Jett laughed, their eyes meeting.

"Who?"

"The brunette….ripped jeans and fitted hat." Kendall choked on air.

"Logan?" He questioned, raising one eyebrow so high, it disappeared into a field of yellow shag.

"Mhm," Jett replied, smugly.

"I seriously doubt it," Kendall hiccupped, counting the girls who'd formed a circle around his ex-best friend_. Obnoxious, shallow… yes. But queer?_

"Are you questioning my gay-dar…?" Jett asked, with mock incredulity.

"Absolutely."

"He's been looking at you all night!"

"I'm his ride home!" The blonde defended with a sincere laugh.

"…What does that have to do with anything?"

Kendall shrugged simply, then took a long sip of the boy's beverage.

"He's queer." Jett smirked, as he crossed his arms over the table.

"How do you figure?" _Pompous, stupid, arrogant, inconsiderate..._All the feelings Kendall had used to describe Logan in his diary passage the night of his sister's Bat-Mitzvah came to mind. Queer hadn't been one of them. From what was said around school, Logan was generally stoned, though he wasn't a slut. He was a flirt, yes, but he'd never heard anything romantic about him with a girl OR boy.

Not that Kendall cared, though. It was plainly a reaction to the rumors.

The blonde couldn't help but turn to look Logan up and down. _Queer?_ He looked back to the table, then to Jett, and then deep down into his empty glass. Now his heart way heavy, and his mood had changed, dramatically. Suddenly he was hit by a wave of nostalgia, followed by a pang of regret. Why was he here? And with Logan? Well,_ technicall_y with, but not at the moment.

Why had he allowed himself to go out?

Kendall shook it off, allowing himself one last look at the brunette. Sure, he missed him. But he honestly had no leftover feelings of attachment or empathy or... anything. He was so uncomfortably cold and numb, that he couldn't even remember how it had felt to have a relationship so meaningful and deep. Today, he sat in crowded solitude, glaring at the brunette, irritated, but not angry. Hurt, but not wistful. He felt nothing but annoyance. No longing, no compassion, no love. His heart was genuinely hollow, and he sincerely couldn't remember a time when it had been full. As the epiphany struck him, he absentmindedly began to down Jett's beverage, dropping it with a clumsy grip when he had finished.

No. He couldn't feel a thing for Logan; He couldn't even recall a time he'd felt for him. In fact, Kendall found it difficult to rekindle the feeling of caring for anyone. He cared for Katie, but out of obligation. At the moment, he could sincerely say he didn't love anyone. But could he? Did he still possesses the ability to… care? And as Kendall met Jett's enthusiastic, vibrant gaze, he realized that he was unable to feel anything for anybody, or anything.

_Fuck. _He thought in genuine defeat. _I've become my mother. _

The blonde hadn't realized that Jett had been talking. In fact, he'd been talking for a while. Kendall's heart sped as he watched the boy's lips move up and down, committed to the words they were making. He let his eyes linger on his bottom lip, that was pushed into a slight pout, and creamy under a soft coat of lip-gloss. Kendall wondered what it taste like, and before he could stop himself, one hand was in the boy's hair, and his mouth was touching his.

Jett's eyes fluttered closed, then instantaneously pulled himself closer into Kendall. Their lips moved in sync, gently breaking when Jett fervently thrust his tongue into the blonde's mouth. The background noise and strobe lights dimmed, as the pair found themselves entirely lost in the kiss. Kendall ran his hand down the boy's back, and brought his body closer, quickening the pace on his moving lips. Jett groaned contentedly as he licked the inside of Kendall's mouth,

Logan grinned miserably, as one of the several girls surrounding him accused him of being adorable.

"Ah, thanks." He said, surrendering his attempts at being charming. Kendall obviously wasn't buying it, as the obnoxious host had ruined his plan, entirely. In Jett's defense, it was _his_ party… but this wasn't how Logan had anticipated the evening to play out. He hated the handsome host, and he hated himself for believing that he had any sort of a chance with the blonde. He huffed, turning to his phone, reading the time off the front. 9:45, and no end in sight. It was time to go. He needed to leave. He took a swig from a beer bottle that belonged to someone else, then dug around in his pockets, in search of his car keys.

"Oh my god," the same girl said, smiling off into Jett's direction. Logan ignored her, then groaned as he remembered he had driven with Kendall. He wanted to leave. This was one of the dullest parties he'd ever attended, and he was in a god awful mood. His night hadn't turned out at all like he'd expected. Had he really had expectations? He sighed, humiliated by himself. Reluctantly, he turned to Kendall's table, at the other side of the room.

"Hey Ken—" He began, stopping in his tracks. Past the crowd, Kendall and Jett were making out quietly.

"Oh my God," Logan repeated, feeling his heart fall into the ground. He watched, his jaw on the floor, as Kendall pulled back, lightly. Jett blinked,

"Wow,"

"Sorry," He blurt. The blonde blinked a few times, before his face fell, and his heart began to race. "Oh my _god,_I'm so, so—"

"I—" Said the boy, equally dazed, "No, no, no. Don't—"

"I don't know why…" Jett held the back of Kendall's neck, lovingly, surprising by the heat that radiated off his off his skin. "I don't, I don't know—I don't know why I—"

"You also find me attractive and interesting, don't you?" Jett smirked, pompously, slowly returning to reality.

"Well, I—"

"Allow me to change attractive to fuckin'_ sexy_." He said, getting excited.

"You d-don't have to—"

"And that kiss was… wow."

"I actually don't know, I mean I—"

"Kendall,"

"I—y-yeah?" The blondes stuttered, unsure of how he should be reacting.

"I like you,"

"You…."

"I like you, a lot."

"I actually—" Jett let his head drop against the blonde's, their foreheads touching romantically.

"I don't know if you have plans tomorrow, but—"

"I do."

"You do?"

"Work." Kendall blurt, collecting his jacket, throwing it over his shoulder. In the distance, he saw Logan's look of absolute shock. He felt his face drown in a deep blush, first from embarrassment, then from self hatred. No one knew he was gay, and he'd just…_ outted_ himself in front of dozens of people. While no one seemed too interested in what anyone else was doing, Logan made it obvious that he had been watching them. _Alright,_ Kendall thought, maybe _Logan's decent enough to keep it quiet. Right?_ Again, he wished the two were friends; acquaintances at least, so he could bring it up comfortably...

"Where are you going?" Jett asked, his voice dripping with concern as he pushed himself onto his feet.

"I need to go,"

"What? Why?" He demanded,

"I need to get home for my sister," Kendall fibbed, through crooked teeth.

"I thought you would stay for—"

"I can't,"

"But—"

"I can't,"

"Kendall—"

"Sorry." Said the blonde, entirely packed and ready to leave. "Bye."

"Kendall!" Jett demanded, slamming a fist down onto the table, shaking their empty glasses. "Why are you leaving?"

"My-my-my sister needs me!"

"Is that… the real reason?" Jett pressed on, nervously.

"Yes!"

"I… ok." He surrendered.

"I'm gonna go,"

"Can we exchange numbers first, at least?"

"Oh, right-" The two traded phones, temporarily.

"Can I see you again?"

"I—"

"I really like you. A lot."

"Yeah…"

"Can I call you?"

"Well…"

"Can I call you later?"

"Maybe,"

"Maybe?" Jett repeated, losing his cool. "

"I don't know,"

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I just—"

"Damnit, Kendall," He exclaimed, avoiding the urge to stomp his foot. "Just tell me what the hell I did wrong!"

"Nothing!" The blonde admitted, "It's... it's me, I swear. I just need to go, I'm sorry."

"Kendall!"

"I swear!" He said, walking away as he spoke, "You can call me later."

"Fine," Jett replied, stunned. "Ok, yeah, fine. I'll call you."

Kendall bit hard into his lip as he approached Logan, standing on the other side of the room.

"Well," The brunette mumbled, awkwardly. Kendall glared into the ground. Logan felt strangely comforted by the boy's embarrassment, though he was still bitter and angry. Kendall bit harder into his lip, not ready to talk.

He couldn't explain why he had kiss Jett; Sure, he was attractive, and sure, he was alluring. It was more out of desperation, out of need, then desire or lust. He needed to confirm that he still had the ability to find someone appealing; that he could care for someone, feel something. When their lips met, sure, it was comfortable, and sure, it was nice and sweet as Jett tasted like raspberries and liquor, but there had been nothing beyond the surface touch… for Kendall, at least. And so, when he realized what he'd done, and when Jett expressed his enthusiasm towards the blonde's approach, Kendall panicked, as he had completely forgotten how to love someone, and the thought of relearning was terrifying.

"Would you…" Kendall began, as they pushed through the crowd, out the front door. "Mind driving, do you think?"

"Tipsy, now are we?"

"I don't', I'm not…" Kendall blushed, hanging his head.

"It's fine," Logan reassured, smirking lightly. The fact that the blonde was slightly intoxicated made him feel just a little better, as he might have kissed the boy on a drunken wimp.

"Thank you," The blonde replied gratefully, though increasingly humiliated by how the tables had turned.

Logan sat behind the steering wheel, and keyed the ignition.

"Looks like you had fun tonight," He said, after they'd gotten onto the road. Kendall dipped his head.

"You… you saw… didn't you."

"I did," Logan nodded, both embarrassed and impressed by the fact that James had given him correct information for once. Kendall heaved.

A somber silence lingered, until the blonde finally broke,

"I don't know why I did that," He confided. Logan perked up, impressed that the boy wanted to continue the conversation.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Kendall shrugged. "I don't know why I kissed him. I don't know. I'm not thinking, I wasn't thinking-" Logan noticed that the boy's speech was somewhat slurred.

"So _you_ kissed _him?"_

"Yeah." Kendal replied, his face an uncomfortable shade of red, "But—but… I. wish I hadn't,"

"Why?"

"Because I don't like him," Logan paused, before pursuing the boy,

"Why not?" He asked, businesslike.

"I don't know."

"But you are…" Logan trailed off, realizing his question was far from appropriate. Kendall blushed,

"I'm gay," He blurt.

"…I figured."

Logan, despite everything, despite the fact that it didn't increase his chances even in the least, still felt his heart flutter.

"So why not…"

"I don't know." Kendall gushed, biting into his lip. A serious silence flooded the air.

"Are you ok?"

"I think I'm drunk." The blonde laughed, to Logan's surprise.

"It seems that we've reversed roles.."

"Did you drink?"

"I told you," Logan lied through his teeth, stealthily avoiding the question, "I don't do that anymore."

"What inspired that decision?" Kendall asked, interestedly. The brunette shrugged, gripping the steering wheel vigorously. _You._

"I don't want to live this kind of life, anymore." He confided, seriously.

"Why not? Isn't this what you always wanted?" Kendall asked, with an unintentional harshness. The repressed emotions, stress of the evening, sour tone and alcohol helped the blonde's past anger surface.

"I don't know what I want," Logan lied again. _I WANT YOU, DAMNIT, _He thought, miserably.

"Stoner's life isn't so glamorous?" Even though the remark was supposed to be painful, Logan laughed.

"Everyone's a fraud," He said, "And I've come to realize that I'm never, ever going to be a doctor if I keep this up."

"Oh,"

"It's just hard. I feel like…" Logan breathed. "It's lonely." He hung his head, and bit his lip before he could say anything more. Kendall sunk back into the thick, vinyl seats, and inhaled through his nose.

"My car smells like chili." He said on an exhale.


	11. Let James be James

**A/N: THANK YOU GUYS FOR REVIEWING  
>I LOVE YOUR REVIEW AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM<br>THANK YOU AGAIN!  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Logan pulled into the driveway, remembering exactly which one was Kendall's condo, to the blonde's surprise.<p>

"Ach," Kendall said, holding his head, stumbling from the vehicle. "Thanks for driving."

"No problem," He returned. "Do you mind if I use your bathroom quickly, though?"

"Go ahead."

The pair walked to the front door in silence, though Logan's heart was beating so loudly, he couldn't hear himself think.

When Kendall began to push on the handle, he grunted, realizing that he left his keys in another pair of pants. He pulled out his phone and sent a text to his sister,

**_"Open the door?" _**

Katie and James lay in her bed, quietly touching and kissing the other.

"Shit!" Katie exclaimed uncharacteristically, upon reading the message from her brother.

"What-?"

"Kendall's here. You need to leave." Katie bounced from her mattress, onto the floor, and pulled a sweatshirt up over her head that clothed her naked body.

**_"One sec." _**She replied, typing hastily. "You need to get out. I knew this was a bad idea."

"Katie, relax," James insisted, tugging his pants up over his lower half. He sat up in her bed. "Just pretend to be asleep."

"He wants me to open the door for him,"

"So open the door, I'll sneak out."

* * *

><p>Logan and Kendall waited outside the condo,<p>

"Sorry," the blonde shrugged, insincerely. Logan looked around, admiring the outsides of the crummy abode. He stared at his car, so nice in comparison to Kendall's hand-me-down pickup truck, though no where as warm.

While Logan's car was nice, it couldn't compare to the other car that was parked on the street, lean and blue and slender. It looked so out of place in the tragically unimpressive neighborhood. Logan squinted his eyes, stealing a more in depth look at the beautiful vehicle. He could swear he'd seen one just like just the other day. In fact, it almost completely resembled the car that drove him to school the previous morning-Wait..

"Fuck," He coughed, choking on air, as he read the license plate.

"What?" Kendall seemed startled by the boy's random outburst.

"I—um… it was a bug." Logan covered, his heart jumping up into his throat. _Damnit, James! _

Logan turned to type discreetly onto his keyboard:

**_"You ass fucking idiot!" _**

James replied hardly a second after: **_"What'd I do?" _**

**_"You're at the Knights." _**

**_"How did you know….?"_**

**_"I'm w/ Kendall."_**

**_" Sly dog… ; )"_**

**_"James, I'm serious. Get out, now."_**

**_"I'm working on it."_**

Logan closed his phone, then shoved it into his pants pocket,

"I wonder what's taking her so long," Kendall wondered aloud, staring down at his wrist watch.

* * *

><p>As Katie worked to dress herself, James walked around the house, shirtless.<p>

"I'm going to get the door," She explained, "You need to go out the back."

"Got it,"

* * *

><p>"The back door's unlocked," Kendall remembered, suddenly.<p>

**_"Go out the front," _**Logan told James, as he followed the blonde to the side of the condo.

James gave Katie a quick peck on the mouth, as he felt his phone vibrate in his pants pocket. Hardly in the mood for a lecture, he shrugged it off, deciding to check it once he was safe in his car.

"Hurry, hurry," Katie demanded, as she went towards the front door, watching the boy flee. She turned the knob, then stared out into the darkness.

"Kendall?" She called, slowly. She looked back into the house relieved to see that James had disappeared. "Ken?" Maybe he went back to his car.

* * *

><p>Logan held his breath as Kendall pushed through the back door, throwing on the light switch, shedding brightness on the half naked boy in his hallway.<p>

"Oh," James said, stepping into his sneakers, his shirt in his hands. Logan's eyes bugged, as he watched the blonde intently.

"Kendall…" He started, as the boy's face began to distort.

"James?" Kendall asked, squinting his eyes as if he was having trouble seeing. The two boys came face to face, one entering, one escaping.

"Hey, guys," The pretty boy replied, tensely.

"What are you doing in my house?" Kendall questioned. Logan touched the boy's shoulder, bravely.

"It's probably not what you think," He defended.

"What are you doing in my house?"

"K-katie was h-helping me with homework," James blurt.

"Why are you shirtless?"

"Kendall—" Logan tried.

"I-I-I, the A/C was broken,"

"It's November."

"Y-yeah-yeah, b-but it was too warm…" Kendall almost accepted the answer, when suddenly the weight of the brunette's hand on his back became too much, and everything flooded to the surface. He shrugged it off with a tremendous amount of force, then straightened his back.

"James," He said, waving goodbye to the last bit of strength and control in his body, "What are you doing in my house."

"Homework,"

"Kendall-" Logan said, sensing that he was about to lose it.

"What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. In. My. House." Kendall demanded again, gritting his teeth.

"Kendall—" James said, dropping his shoulders.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE."

"Kendall!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"I was just doing homework, I swear! Katie and me, we were just doing homework!" Upon hearing her brother scream, Katie knew she'd been caught. Cautiously, she approached the three standing in the doorway in the midst of a quiet night in November.

"Ken," She said, her voice shaking, her palms moist, "I can explain,"

"KATIE, WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?" Logan stepped back, his hands in his pockets. Shit was goin' down.

"Kendall!" She tried, soothingly. "We were just studying," Without thinking, Kendall grabbed onto James who stood hardly an inch above his head by the collar, and brought his face up to his.

"Tell me what you were doing with my sister, or I'll fuck you up, I swear."

"H-homewor—"

"I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMES DIAMOND," He shouted, almost lifting the pretty boy off of his feet. James began to sob, as he pushed the blonde off of him,

"NOTHING," He screamed, with an equal amount of force. Logan bit into his lip, stepping back and forth on his heel.

"STOP!" Katie cried, her cheeks wet and warm.

"YOU," Kendall shouted, turning to Katie, stabbing her chest with a boney finger. "I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO PROTECT YOU. I'VE DONE SO MUCH TO TRY AND KEEP YOU FROM TURNING INTO TRASH"

"KENDALL, PLEASE, JUST LISTEN—" Kendall breathed, startled by the unfamiliar wetness on his face. He touched his cheek lightly, then brought a tear to his tongue. He hadn't cried since his father died...

"Fuck." He said, closing his eyes. He'd lost control. All of it.

"Kendall," Katie begged, her face a hard shade of scarlet.

"_Fuck you,_ Katie."

"But Kendall—" The blonde was quiet for a moment, before sinking against the wall.

"Fuck. You." He said, softly.

"Kendall, _please."_

_"Stop it,"_

_"Kendall!" _

"You are my everything, Katie." Kendall said, more to himself than anyone else. "How could you."

"KENDALL, PLEASE." She begged, falling to her knees. She knew her brother. She knew she was only two words away from being written out of his life, for good. She began to sob, "Kendall, I love you, I love you. Kendall, please, I love you."

"Katie…. why?" He asked, quietly, lifting himself back up onto his feet.

"I didn't do it to hurt you," She sobbed, "I did it for me. Because I needed to do something for me, for once. I wanted someone to care about me, for once. I wanted to feel pretty and important and loved, for once." And as she spoke, she realized, out of everything her brother had been through, these words would hurt him the most.

"I didn't mean—" She said quickly. Kendall bit into his lip, harder than intended. He swallowed a sob, avoiding admitting his vulnerability.

"I'm done," He mouthed, inaudibly.

"Kendall?" Katie asked, confident she'd seen his lips move.

"I SAID I'M DONE."

Katie howled as if she'd been stabbed in the gut, then let her head hit her knees. _The two words she never thought she'd have to hear…_

"NO YOU'RE NOT," She screamed, her speech slurred by her tears. "BECAUSE I'M YOUR SISTER, AND YOU LOVE ME."

"That's bull shit," He accused. "I stopped loving you the second you fell in love with _him_"

"THIS DOSEN'T AFFECT YOU. IT'S MY LIFE. I CAN LOVE WHO EVER I WANT." Katie burst, unable to see through her tears. "Kendall," She moaned, panting heavily. "My life is hard enough. Please. Please stop it. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but please, please stop." The blonde moved his eyes, and focused on the pretty boy, who was standing breathlessly to the side.

"Why," He demanded, his jaw clenched.

"I-I-I-"

"What did I ever do to you?" Kendall said, throwing his arms in exasperation.

"N-Nothing, Kendall-"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU TAKING EVERYTHING FROM ME?"

"What?"

"WHY ARE YOU TAKING EVERYTHING FROM ME?"

"I don't know what you—"

"FIRST LOGAN," Kendall cried, stunning the brunette who was standing patiently in the corner. "NOW KATIE."

"Kendall, I-I-I-"

"YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DESTROY," Kendall burst, pressing his face into James's, "BECAUSE I HAVE _NOTHING_ LEFT TO TAKE. _NOTHING._" And then the blonde pulled back his fist, threatening to swing with all the force in his body at the pretty boy's perfectly sculpted jaw. Fortunately for James, Kendall's judgment had been impaired by the unimpressive amount of alcohol in his system.

"No," The blonde told himself, shaking as dropped his hand. James sighed in obvious relief, then protectively grabbed at his face.

"You'll get yours." Kendall promised. He looked down to Katie, "I hope it was worth it."

"K-k-k-kendall—" And then he walked down the hallway, slamming the door to his bedroom before collapsing atop of his mattress.

Katie sat on the ground, shaking in fear and despair, while James stared intensely into the floor boards. Logan had his legs crossed, as he'd needed to use the bathroom the entire time.

"I'm gonna go pee," The brunette announced, casually. James looked to Katie, thoroughly inept.

"D-d-d-do you want a hug?" He offered, bending down to touch the girl's hair. She nodded, then tried to smile. She leant into the boy's chest after he reached her height, forgetting completely that he was still shirtless.

* * *

><p>Kendall lay with his head in his pillow that was already wet from the tears that streamed from his sharp green eyes.<p>

* * *

><p>"Please,<em> please<em> don't leave me," Katie begged. James held her by the waist, ashamed to admit that the desperation in Katie's voice was the dictionary definition of a turn off.

"Y-yeah," He said, still disoriented by the night's events. Had he really… _destroyed _Kendall? No. Of course not. It wasn't his fault that he was handsome and popular, and everyone wanted to be his friend. It wasn't his fault that he was awesome and cool and outgoing and wonderful. No. No, _no. _

And it certainly wasn't his fault that Kendall had verbally written Katie off of his list of things that mattered in his life. It wasn't his fault that he broke up a loving pair of siblings, who had nothing beyond a pair of senile Grandparents. He looked to the small girl in his arms, uncomfortable as she sobbed into his bare chest. He quietly stroke her back, suddenly realizing how little she was.

Technically, their relationship was illegal, as James had been forced to repeat the third grade, and Katie as a freshman in high school. He touched her hair, suddenly disgusted. What if he had a little sister? What if someone, old enough to vote, was having sex with her? Maybe it _was_ his fault—

James cringed as Katie let out an unattractive snivel.

No. None of this was his fault. The Knight sibling's relationship had been on the rocks for a while anyway, as Katie informed him. It wasn't his fault. None of it.

No, no, no.

"I need you James. I _love you._ I love you James."

_…_Well _Shit._

* * *

><p>Kendall sat up, suddenly embarrassed, though he knew no one could see him. He clawed at his eyes, then took a long, soothing breath of cold, November air. The blonde's face was an obnoxious shade of red, and his hair was wild and sticky.<p>

He turned to admire his bedroom, and decided to recreate his list of things that were good in his life.

He had a window.

He had a bed.

He had a blanket.

He had a door.

He had a cup.

He had a chair.

He had a Logan—

"Logan?" Kendall blurt, noticing the brunette sitting quietly by his desk.

"Hi." They stared at each other with mock intensity for a few uncomfortable seconds, before Kendall spoke up,

"How long have you been sitting there?"

"Not long." Kendall crossed his legs.

"I'm really great at being stealthy," Logan confided.

The blonde didn't reply, so Logan pressed on.

"Like when you and Carlos were talking the other day…"

"Carlos and I haven't spoken in weeks," Kendall said, immediately shooting down the boy's warrant.

"A few days ago. When you guys were talking about…" Logan trailed off, hoping the blonde wouldn't make him say it.

"Oh…" Kendall picked up, his face turning warm. At this point, he really had nothing left to lose, as he blonde was so remarkably broken that nothing more could possibly faze him.

"I always believed," Logan revealed, feeling he also had nothing to risk "That you hated me."

"I don't hate anyone, Logan." Kendall said, without a tinge of honesty. The brunette snorted before he continued,

"I thought that you hated me, because you were, like, jealous… or angry that I left you. I never even considered the fact that you could be... _hurt _by what happened… up until a few days ago, at least. I lost the grip on myself, and I became someone I'm not. I got really… lost, and worst of all, I was… I was, like,_ looking_ to get lost, and I turned into someone I resent and despise, now. I forgot that you had to watch me become that person… I forgot that you could only stand there as the old… Logan… died. Metaphorically. But still. I remember… you tried a million times to protect me, and then when you realized I was too far gone, you gave up. And frankly, I've spent the last two years hating you; not because I thought I was better than you. Not at all. In fact, I thought you spent your time thinking that you're better than me. No… I hated you because you gave up on me. And even though I forced you to; even though I told you to leave me alone and let me live my life on countless occasions, you still gave up, and it killed me, because you were the one true friend I'd ever had, and I realize that now." Logan stood,

"What I'm trying to say," Kendall didn't dare blink. "Is that I'm sorry." Logan said, confidently. "I'm sorry that I was such a bad friend. I'm sorry that I stopped returning your phone calls and emails, and I'm sorry I didn't come to Katie's Bat-Mitzvah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I took you for granted, and I'm sorry I lost you. But most of all, I'm sorry because I'll never have anything close to what we had, ever again. I'm sorry." Logan rubbed the stubble under his chin awkwardly when Kendall didn't reply. He needed to shave.

The blonde was lost for words.

"Um," He mustered, finally. Kendall pushed himself onto his feet, startled by the tenseness in his jaw that was only partially responsible for his silence.

"I know it probably doesn't matter now," Logan admitted, hoping he was wrong, hoping the blonde would jump to his defense. Kendall blinked. "I just needed you to know, that…" Logan breathed, surprised by how shaken he was, "I'm sorry." The brunette turned on his heal and glared into the bedroom door, that was only open a crack. He thought it best to make his exit while the words were still fresh in the boy's ears. Maybe one day he'd be able to reply, but Logan was smart enough to know that his day had been overwhelming enough without his heartfelt confessions. Maybe one day Kendall would wake up and realize that every word the brunette had said as he sat breathlessly in his bedroom was the truth.

"Really?" Kendall blurt, after a drawn out stillness. Logan lay his hand around the door knob, refusing to look back.

"Yeah."

"You're not just saying that to distract me while James drugs my Grandmother, or something?" Logan laughed, lightly, startled by the boy's change in tone. When he looked back at last, Kendall was smiling; mournfully, but easily. His spirits had been genuinely lifted by his ex-friend's apology. He suddenly felt as if a great weight had been removed from his chest, as he hadn't realized how much he'd needed to hear those words.

"I hope not," Logan returned, "Because he's on his own." Kendall bit into his lip, repressing a beam. The brunette laughed, excited to see the life flushing back to the boy he had once considered his brother.

"Thank you, Logan." Kendall said, genuinely. And just as quickly as his smile formed, his eyes flooded with tears, again. Feeling his face drop, Logan approached the bed, cautiously seating his body alongside the blonde's.

"Shit," Kendal scowled, touching his cheek, his fingers immediately absorbing the tears. He sniffed. "I'm sorry,"

"It's fine," Logan said, through a forced laugh.

"I'm just… really… glad that you..." Kendall sighed, unable to process what he was trying to say, "I'm happy. I'm happy that you said that." Uncharacteristically, the blonde extended his hand, and began to pet the other boy's back. Logan smiled to himself, proud and relived and content. He never could have imagined being so close to the boy after all that they'd endured, together and apart. He never could have pictured this moment; and at this very moment in time, everything seemed to be alright in the world.


	12. Adoption Agency

**A/N: Wow. I haven't updated in forever. HOPEFULLY YOU GUYS LIKE THIS. Not a ton happens, but I actually think it's sorta cute. Review and what not. THANKS!**

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><p>The next day, Kendall woke up, groggy and sticky from the hangover that combined with his despair. He remembered only fragments of the night before, and struggled to separate what was real from what he'd dreamt.<p>

He moaned, then rolled onto his side as the memories from the kiss he'd shared with a perfectly sculpted man bobbed to the surface. _Dream,_ He decided, challenging the next of the illusions to reveal itself.

Logan Mitchell in his bedroom, James Diamond in his hallway. _Dream. It had to be a dream. Dear God, please tell me it had been a dream..._ He thought, shielding his line of view from the sudden bright light that beamed down from the sky.

"Ah," Kendall mustered, bringing a pillow out from under his head, pressing it over his eyes. Logan laughed,

"Hangover?" He asked, sympathetically. The brunette had ended up spending the night, after the two spent the night talking about everything, sharing all of their unspoken, semi sober thoughts with the other.

"And then he didn't even reimburse me for gas…" Logan said through a yawn. He looked sleepily to the blonde, stretched out on the other side of the bed. His breathing was deep and even, and Logan grinned when he saw that the boy had fall asleep. Logan yawned heavily as he read 2:26 off of the alarm clock to the side. He decided against getting up and going home, as he had forgotten how to move his body, he was so tired…

He let his eye lids touch, then woke abruptly the following afternoon, startled to find himself still in Kendall Knight's bed.

Logan's arms were crossed behind his head, his body turned at a slight angle as to better face the blonde. Kendall stared at Logan in disbelief, in shock and horror. _If that much was real, then…_

"Oh my god," He breathed, grabbing his heart as he sat bolt upright, his head bouncing against the wall. Logan watched the boy flail.

"Ah," Kendall blinked, moving his hand up to his head. "Yes, hangover." He looked down to his alarm clock, startled to see the numbers 12:05 flash in thick red.

"God Damnit." The blonde said, reluctantly. "My shift starts in ten minutes." Kendall threw himself off the bed, then fished a thin checkered shirt out of the mess on his floor. He buttoned it up, then dropped down to lace his vans.

"When do you start?" He asked Logan, hurriedly. Gustavo had promised Kendall that if he were to show up late for his shift one more time, he'd lose his job. While it was an obviously empty threat, as hockey practice hardly ended when promised, Kendall still feared the loss of the income he so desperately needed. His parents had put aside money for his sister and himself, though he had no idea when or how he'd ever be able to access it. His Grandmother had once insisted that the money had been intended for his college fund,

"And if I don't go to college?" He had challenged, irritated.

"Then you don't get any money."

"I don't work Saturdays," Logan replied, stretching stiffly in the blonde's bed.

"Alright," Kendall said. His head was everywhere; He wanted to get to work, and then he wanted to sit down and think.

"I'll come with you, though." The brunette said quietly, remembering the drama from the night before.

"Why would you—"

"I need groceries.

"Fine," Kendall said, rolling his eyes so dramatically, he swore he heard something crack. "I'll drive."

"But my car—"

"You can come pick it up later; my weekend shifts aren't long."

"You want me to come by here after?" Logan asked, incredulously. _Kendall wanted him somewhere?_

"If you can," Shrugged the blonde, openly admitting that he desperately feared being alone at the moment. Kendall knew that he wouldn't have been able to make it through the last few hours without Logan. Though it had been hectic and crazy and terrible and dramatic, the fact that they had shared such an important night together reminded Kendall of what he needed so urgently. He needed a friend. He didn't want to talk to the airheads on his hockey team, (though they did make friendly conversation in the locker rom), nor did he want to bond with the stoners who stood on the front step of the school building. He wanted the boy he met in the second grade; the fragile, pale, weak and defenseless Logan Mitchell. He wanted the shy, independent and quirky little eight year old boy who'd sat next to him in the red room. Kendall remembered taunting the brunette—a trend that became increasingly popular over the years—by poking him in the shoulder with his eraser cap.

"Stop," Logan's whines had been muffled by the sweater he brought up to his mouth.

"But it's fun." Kendall insisted through a toothless grin.

"I don't even know you!" the blonde blinked, having temporarily forgotten that it was his first week at the new school.

"But I'm Kendall!" He said, enthusiastically.

"I thought that was a girl's name!" Logan accused, uncharacteristically brave. Truth be told, he'd been observing the boy, and thought him to be cool. If he really didn't like him, he wouldn't have bothered with his sass.

"Isn't that a girl's shirt?" He spit back, through a silly grin. Logan repressed the smile that was so desperately trying to creep across his face.

"Well I don't like it when you poke me, Kendall."

"But I _do _like it, Mr. Girly-girl shirt!" The blonde continued to stab the boy with the reverse side of his pencil.

"No! Stop it, or I'll tell the teacher!"

Kendall panicked, then mentally paced, quickly coming up with a brilliant idea.

"What if… wait… but… you can poke _me_ with an eraser if you want!"

"Ok," The brunette decided, flipping his own pencil so the led faced him. He began to push the tip of the eraser into the blonde, feeling a laugh tickle his throat.

"We can have sword fights, even!" Kendall suggested, quickly ripping the pencil out from the hole he'd made in Logan's sweater, and holding it before his face.

"Ok!"

The two became immediate pals. Logan felt grateful to have befriended Kendall, the fastest runner in the entire second grade. Everyone loved him. He was handsome and awesome, and the brunette felt envious and privileged.

Their relationship only developed over the next year. They had sleepovers and long, late night conversations. Logan knew everything there was to know about Kendall, and so went the reverse.

One day about halfway into third grade, Kendall didn't come to school. Logan felt lost and distraught without his friend, so he sat alone during lunch and recess.

The boy returned a week later, with heavy blue bags under his eyes.

"Kendall!" Logan cheered, rushing to the door frame to give his friend a squeeze. Kendall hugged him back quickly, and then buried his head in the crevasse of his neck. Logan hugged him tighter, sensing that something was out of place.

"Kendall?" He asked, pulling back lightly, looking up to the taller boy. Kendall's eyes were glossy, and a ring of red shaped his perfect green pupils. "Is everything ok?"

"I think so." He said, bravely. As the day went on, he told his friend of all that had happened during the week he'd been away. Logan was lost for words. He'd never known anyone to die before; He sat helplessly at the end of his chair, holding Kendall's hand, and nodding patiently as he spoke.

"And I didn't even go to her funeral."

Kendall bounced back quickly, but Logan couldn't help but feel a nagging sympathy for his friend. He'd been through so much in so little time, and he still didn't miss a chance to smile or laugh or enjoy the insignificant details that made up his life.

Kendall, in reality, hadn't let the fact that he'd lost so much hit him yet. He was genuinely optimistic, and grateful for all he had, which wasn't much. He didn't like his Grandfather and his Grandmother was only partially alright. Aside from the in-home drama though, the blonde's social life was thriving.

Kendall was the most well known and liked kid all throughout middle school, and with his sister and best friend by his side, he felt as if he was one of the most privileged, fortune boys in the entire world.

Logan had loved Kendall from the first day their eye's touched, irritating as he might have been. Logan never felt as if he were deserving of Kendall's presence. He felt he must have done something very right in a past life, to have someone so wonderful by his side today.

In the eighth grade, years and years after their relationship formed, the two boys had a friendship stronger than that of any either of them had seen before or known to exist. They slept at each other's home as often as they stayed at their own; they told secrets and stories, and sat in the most comfortable of silences when they'd run out of things to say.

Logan, having grown so unusually close to Kendall, had always known that he loved him; of course not romantically, but as his other half; a brother. When they began to make the awkward transition into man hood, both Kendall and Logan realized quickly that what they had was beyond a brotherly love. Neither took an intense liking to the female species, though Logan, admittedly, found girls attractive. The feelings they had for the other were complex and repressed, and stood as the first of the many cracks that eventually destroyed their friendship, as one could only suppress so much.

The two boys outgrew their popularity upon entering high school, where they decided to dedicate themselves to studies and sports. Kendall's immediate acceptance into the hockey league also earned him a sliver of respect from a minority of the high school populace. Logan, on the other hand, still wore sweater vests and kakis, and studied so hard, that his only social life had been the life long relationship with closest friend.

He was picked on with no mercy.

Kids would sneer as they pushed past the scrawny brunette in the hallway; Kids who didn't know his name. Kendall fumed at the sight of his best friend defenseless against the idiots; the scum of their generation. Logan was scared and hurt. He'd never been victimized before; at least not to that degree. Unlike middle school, Kendall wasn't at his side every moment of the day, and without his best friend, Logan felt vulnerable beyond relief. Idiots feed off f low self esteem.

Outrage, Kendall Knight transformed himself into a target for ridicule. As an only moderate studious teen and a star athlete on one of the more insignificant sports teams, he could have gotten through high school without a scratch. People continued to like him, and his charm and god looks only exaggerated through adolescence.

He threw it all away. The connection he had with his best friend ran too deep, and he couldn't stand on the side while his friend's ship sunk.

"I hate this," Logan sobbed into his best friend's chest early into freshman year. Kendall held onto the boy, protectively. "Why are people so terrible?" Earlier that day, Lgan had been pushed down a stairwell, after refusing to let a hand full of jerks borrow his math homework. He'd fractured his knee cap, and stood weakly on crutches. Kendall had gone to the principal, and defended his friend, gave him names of the kids who had pushed the brunette, along with any other information he could need. The principal simply "Tsked", and excused Kendall, insisting that it was a "Fairly serious accusation to be made without evidence." The blonde wanted to stomp his foot; scream. The only person in the world who'd been with him through all he's had to deal with was in pain, and there was nothing he could do to help.

Logan grew desperate. He was desperate for acceptance, as he slid farther down the social food chain, Kendall going with him, bravely. Kendall could have stayed at the top. He chose to stick by his friend, no matter what consequences occurred. Logan could recite every detail of the day the blonde committed social suicide.

"Hey sweet-cheeks," Taunted one of the bigger students, who took a favoring towards the brunette's small, statuesque build.

Logan ignored the kid, walking closer into Kendall's side. It was a Tuesday, and the pair had ripped their books from their lockers before walking to Spanish class.

"I _said hey_," The boy repeated, trailing behind Kendall and Logan. Logan felt his heart speed up, as he quickened his pace.

"_HEY_," The kid said, coming up behind them, his steps longer and more dramatic. Logan froze, though Kendall tried to keep moving. The kid wrapped his meaty fingers around the excess fabric on Logan's hoody. The brunette's body tensed and Kendall turned, only a few steps ahead.

"I said hey; didn't you hear me?"

"I-I-I-I—" Logan tried, his lips dry, his mouth open. The boy smiled at the smaller student's discomfort, and brought him closer by pulling on his jacket. His back was still to the kid's face, his front turned towards Kendall. The blonde's mouth hung open as he tried to decide how to approach the situation.

"Come on buddy, we're friend," Said the kid pulling back his arm, the coat fabric wrapping too tight around Logan's throat. "I thought friends said hi to each other."

"I- could you—it's a little tight, actually—" Logan coughed, clawing at his throat. His cheeks flushed red, and Kendall panicked, though couldn't do a thing.

"Oh, yeah." The kid smirked, releasing Logan so quickly, he plummeted into the ground. "Whoops. Looks like you fell, kiddo—"

"Stop it!" Kendall burst, throwing his foot into the ground.

"Excuse me?" The guy turned his head in amused disbelief. He was at least twice Kendall's size, and 30 times more damaged.

"You're a fuck-up," The blonde said, the words cold as they left his mouth. When the kid didn't reply, Kendall continued.

"You don't pick on my friend." He explained, his green eyes glossed over with hate. Logan felt pathetic as he watched the heated exchange.

"Give me one god-damned good reason," The kid demanded, suddenly furious.

"I can give you two." Said the blonde, coyly. Logan pushed himself back up onto his feet, watching his friend in horror._ Don't,_ He begged, shaking his head, seriously. The blonde flashed him a stale look of confidence, and went on.

"Tell me," Kendall said, bravely circling the bully. "You like girls?"  
>"The fuck kind of question is that—' The kid burst, darting towards the small blonde. Kendall held up his hand, motioning for the boy to calm. Oddly, he listened.<p>

"A simple yes or no will do."

Slowly, the kid bobbed his head up and down.

"One day you'd like to marry one?"

Again, the boy nodded.

"And maybe you want kids, no?"

Another nod. Kendall moved closer into the boy's face.

"What if your kids could see you, now. Wouldn't you be embarrassed?"

"Is that your first reason?" The boy spit, unimpressed. Freshman Kendall smirked, lightly.

"Yeah,"

"That's the reason why I shouldn't do this?" The boy proceeded to flick Logan's ear. "Or this?" He thumped him in the back of the head.

"Yes,"

"You think you're the shit, don't you—"

The blonde held up his hand again, ordering silence.

"I wasn't finished." He explained. The kid rolled his eyes.

"Second reason…" Kendall said, smiling deviously as he clenched his fists. "You want kids? Well adoption agencies are fucking expensive."

The kid didn't have the chance to react, as Kendall brought his leg back behind his butt, and swung with all the strength in his body as he let his foot land in the pit of the boy's crotch.

"Mother-!" He cried, tears bursting from his eyes as he tumbled to the ground in a blinding pain. Kendall grabbed Logan's wrist, and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction, laughing wildly. When the two were safe outside their Spanish class, Logan gave his friend a hug, that lasted all of five minutes.

"He's gonna be after you too now, though…" The brunette said, his voice soft and stained with guilt.

"If you're going down, I'm going down with you," Kendall said as they broke apart, a sad smile across his face. Logan laughed, grateful to have someone so wonderful in his life.

"I love you, Ken." He said, suddenly. He bit into his lip, suddenly embarrassed.

"Love you too, buddy," Kendall said, draping his arm around the back of his friend's neck. The brunette blushed, though relieved that his confession could be played off so easily.

A few months went by, and suddenly Kendall wasn't so tough. He was becoming tired, and though he wasn't picked on when he was alone, his social status had plummeted. He didn't mind that people would avoid him and all the friends he'd made the beginning of freshman year had suddenly disappeared. He had Logan, and that was more than enough.

The beginning of sophomore year came by quickly. Unlike Kendall, Logan needed more than what he had. He had no one, aside from the blonde who'd been at his side since day one.

He was so, so desperate for some form of recognition r acceptance, that the one day during lunch as the two boys sat alone at a picnic bench, the brunette's heart shot up into his throat when James Diamond sat down next to them.

"You guys wanna by some weed?" He asked softly, but loud enough to be heard by the students who occupied the backdrop

"Um, no thanks," Kendall said, giving him a look of disgust. Logan's big eyes glared into the blonde's before he turned to face James,

"H-how much?" He asked. The pretty boy smiled.

"$20," Logan began to rummage through his pockets, pulling out stray bills and change.

"Logan," Kendall said, watching his friend. The brunette looked up, a $10 in his hand. He lay it on the table, as he dug into his pants again. James looked on, with a vacant expression.

"Can I borrow a five?" Logan asked Kendall. The blonde did a spit take on air.

"Are you being serious?" He asked, incredulously. Logan didn't blink.

"He's kidding." The blonde decided, looking at James. "Get lost, why don't you? We don't want your drugs…"

The pretty boy put his hands up defensively,

"Hey. _He_ wants my shit. No one said you had to buy it." Logan put 17 dollars worth of coins and singles flat on the table,

"I've only got $17…" He said. James intertwined his fingers, scooping the money into his lap.

"It's fine," He said, not even bothering to count. He reached into his pocket, and tossed a zip lock bag in the boy's direction,

"Lessons are included," James said, dropping a long, tan finger in the brunette's face. "We meet at the tree; all day every day. Just tell them James sent you." He pat the boy on the back, steadying himself as he walked off into a different direction. Kendall watched his friend with a look of genuine disbelief,

"…What was that?" He asked, forcing half a laugh. Logan shrugged, sheepishly.

"I don't…"

"You just bought drugs from James Diamond," Kendall explained. The brunette shrugged a second time.

"Yeah…"

"Why would you do that?" Another shrug. "That's not really an answer."

"I don't know," Logan defended, "I guess… I mean it's just _weed_. It's not like it's heroine, or cocaine…"

"But that's how it starts..."

"Not really; I mean James is fine—" Kendall laughed, sarcastically,

"As fine as a walking STD can be…" It was common knowledge that James was the school slut.

"I don't really think one's related to the other," Logan defended.

"Give it to me," Kendall said, holding his hand out. "Give me the bag."

"But I paid for it!" Logan defended, stunned that the blonde would try and claim such an authority over him.

"I'm not going to let you do this," Kendall explained, blatantly.

"Kendall," Logan said, "Since we've been here, we've added a new degree to the concept of a 'social outcast'. Do you know how cool it would be to hang out with James and his friends?" Kendall blinked, understanding why his friend had done what he'd done, though far from approving.

"We have futures." He said, simply.

"They do too,"

"In what?" Kendall demanded. "The glamorous world of fast food and minimum wage, perhaps? Logan, you want to be a doctor."

"I know, but—"

"You don't really want that, do you?" Kendall asked, referring to the bag in Logan's hand.

"Well…"

"Logan!"

"It's just weed." He said, stuffing it into his pocket. "I won't… you know I'm not stupid, Ken."

"I know…."

"You know I won't let it get out of hand. Honestly, I probably won't even smoke it."

"Probably?"

"I—I won't."

"Do you promise…?"

"Yes," Logan said, hanging his head as a bright shade of red flushed over his face. "I… Kendall, I'm sorry. I just… I just hate where we are right now. I just want… to not… be me anymore."

"Logan…"

"I'm sorry." The brunette said, picking up his lunch tray, "It was a stupid thing to do." He pulled the zip lock bag out of his pocket, and dropped it in the trash, after his food. .

Kendall rolled his eyes, with no desire to walk after his friend.

Neither could have anticipated how badly everything could have gotten out of hand. Today, Kendall was a stone and Logan was a stoner, and the two were strangers. When the two boys walked into the grocery store that afternoon, Gustavo recruited Logan to shelve cereal boxes, though it was his day off.

"But I don't work Saturdays—"He tried.

"Then consider this community service."

Kendall saw that Carlos worked the second register as he lay his stuff down at the first. He was in no mood to spark a conversation. A pain formed in the pit of his stomach as he realized he needed to talk to the Latino. It was painful that they'd ignored each other for such an extended period f time.

"Hey," Said the blonde bravley, about half an hour into his shift. No response.

"Carlos?" Kendall said, his voice hoarse with tired desperation. He couldn't afford loosing another relationship at the hand of James Diamond.

"Hm?" Said the Latino, looking up with contained surprise.

"Hi,"

"…Hey." Carlos said, repressing his enthusiasm to the best of his ability. He was relieved Kendall was making the first move, as he was about to break, himself. He missed his friend.

"Listen…" The blonde said, resting his elbows atop the counter. "I'm… I'm sorry I reacted like that." Carlos nodded,

"It's cool."

"And I'm sorry I hit you with Moby Dick," The Latino frowned, as he rubbed the spot where he'd been hurt a few weeks ago.

"And… I just wanted to say…. I should have listened to you." Carlos felt his heart sink. He must have been right. Otherwise, the blonde would have gone his entire life avoiding him.

"I'm sorry," He breathed. He had expected it all along, though he couldn't help from feeling stunned. Kendall nodded, his eyes suddenly glossy. _Jesus, _He thought to himself, as he dragged his sleeve across his face, sniffing quietly. _I've got to stop doing that. _

"'Not your fault," He shrugged, finally. Carlos looked down,

"So we're ok?" Kendall nodded, keeping his head down. The Latino beamed,

"Good, because I have _so _much to catch you up on…"


	13. Grandma Knight

**A/N: I really hate how this came out, but I haven't updated in forever and I don't really know what to change... oh well :L **  
><strong>In a nut shell.. This chapter is long and annoying. Enjoy. =_= <strong>

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><p>It was Thursday, and Kendall admittedly found his life improving. Logan had been making genuine attempts to reconnect; they'd even hung out a few times that week. He also had Carlos, though the Latino hardly approved of the brunette.<p>

Jett would message Kendall about a dozen times a day, and Kendall would respond politely and vaguley, trying to maintain their distance to the best of his ability. He didn't want anything to happen between himself and the horny customer.

As far as Katie goes, for Kendall, it almost felt as if a weight had been lifted, as he no longer had to worry about the outcome of her actions. He could focus on himself, for once.

That morning, the blonde walked into the kitchen, still having to remind himself that he only needed to make breakfast for one. Every morning for the past 13 years, Kendall had readied himself and his sister for school, taking care of everything from making the bus on time, to having a bagged lunch. It wasn't that he cared; it was just retinue. On Monday, he'd done it instinctively, kicking himself when he remembered that Katie was dead to him. She'd approached him numerous times, not only in person, but via voicemail and text, and Kendall ignored each attempt. He was done with her, and she needed to understand that.

After sitting himself down at the kitchen table, Kendall played with his phone for a moment, before deciding to text Logan. He was glad to have someone to talk to so early, though he couldn't help but wonder if he was getting his hopes up for something that would hurt him in the long run. He shrugged, jumping as his phone began to vibrate in his hand. He flipped it open, smiling when he saw that Logan had texted him first.

"_Hi__" _

_"Hey "_ He typed back, too tired to pretend he had any creativity pulsing through his veins. It was nice to have the boy back in his life. No; nice was an understatement. It was great. It felt as if he finally had something he could look forward to.

_"What's up?"_

Katie didn't come downstairs that morning. Kendall flung his backpack over his shoulder as he walked towards the front door, instinctively looking up and down the hallway, rolling his eyes over until he was sure she wasn't there. He sighed in repressed disconcert as he climbed into his car. _Where could she be? Could she have run away?_

Kendall backed out of the driveway, peering through the window outside the condo; She wasn't there. Kendall made it almost entirely out of the long strip of pavement before pulling over, and running back into the complex.

"Katie?" He cried, bursting through the door, darting up the steps. She was always down by this time. Even on days that she'd come back at 2, 3 in the morning, she still was awake and out the door by 7:15. He broke down her door, his heart sinking when he saw the room to be deserted.

"Katie?"

_She must be with James._ He thought, dejectedly. He closed the door, and walked down the steps and the length of his driveway before sitting in his car. As much as he tried thought he didn't, he still cared for Katie.

* * *

><p>Logan and James sat beside one another on the front steps of the school building. A cloud of smoke circled their heads, and the pretty boy touched his lighter, distractedly. Logan had tried to break off his friendship with James the day after Kendall had found out about him and Katie, but something made it difficult. Something inside of him still desperately feared being an outcast; being ridiculed. There was no guarantee that he couldn't relapse into Freshman Logan. Who was to say that abandoning James and befriending Kendall was the only way to stop his heart ache? He could find a compromise. He didn't need to give up smoking and drinking and partying and James to rekindle his relationship with Kendall. He could have it all.<p>

And with that in mind, Logan inhaled sweetly by the butt of his cigarette, lightly licking his lips as the taste of tar and smoke stuck to his flesh.

He could have all this, and Kendall too. It would just require a little planning.

James was his best friend, after all, and the relationship kept him absolutely free of anything but envy from the rest of the student populace. He did have to admit though; his past week with Kendall had been incredible. He loved that they were speaking, and his heart would do cart wheels. But still, it was much harder than he'd anticipated…

The brunette balanced a lit cigarette in his mouth as he released his grip and flipped open his cell phone.

"_Can u do me a favor?" _Logan looked at the message from Kendall, and replied immediately.

"_Yeah, anything. What do you need?"_

James looked to his friend, amused by the way he'd jump each time a next text would come through.

Kendall sat in his car, trying hard to repress his concern. He just needed to confirm that Katie was somewhere; that she wasn't hurt or lost or any… variation.

"_This is stupid, but if you see James could you ask him if Katie staid over last night? I couldn't find her this morning." _

Kendall knew that Logan still hung out with James, which was perfectly fine by him. The two had only just begun to speak again, and it would have been unreasonable for the blonde to except the boy to entirely transform his life for him. Kendall _was_ under the impression that Logan had stopped smoking and drinking, however.

The brunette had decided that the only way he could stop absorbing these toxins, would be if he had a written guarantee that Kendall could be his. He wasn't about to give up his entire life for someone who could go as quickly as he'd come.

Logan hung his head. It was a cop-out. He knew it was a cop-out, as he knew that the likelihood of finding the strength to quit would be just as difficult as getting Kendall to be his. The back and forth internal argument drove the brunette insane, as he knew that no matter what he decided to do would hurt him in the end.

Logan turned to James, as he cleared his throat.

"Hey," He said. "Katie sleep over your house last night?" The pretty boy's eyes shot wide open.

"Why?"

"Kendall asked."

"You talk to Kendall?" James had yet to acknowledge the fact that Logan and Kendall had come home together that evening. The brunette blinked, incredulously.

"You're the one who tried to hook me up with him…"

"Yeah," James confirmed, pretentiously flipping his hair to the side. "That was _before_ he tried to kill me." The brunette rolled his eyes, "You had it coming." Logan argued, as he pulled the cigarette frombetween his lips, and breathed into the cold autumn air.

"_Right."_ James said, sarcastically. "But no, I told you; we broke up." Logan felt his jaw drop, as he nearly choked on the smoke in his lungs.

"You—wait, what?"

"We broke up. Didn't' I tell you?"

"But… why? You and Katie?"

"She was getting too needy."

"..What?"

"I don't know. I realized it just wouldn't work out, and I broke it off."

"I… what? When?"

"Last night."

"Was she… with you?"

"Yeah."  
>"And—and she left?"<p>

"Yeah." Logan pushed the butt of his cigarette into the grass.

"I... oh my god, do you know where she went, after?"

"Home?"

"Ah, shit," Logan cussed, as he tried to think of ways to delicately tell the blonde that his sister could be gone. "How could you, James? After all she did to be with you?"

"What do you mean _after all she did to be with me-?"_

_"_You know as fucking well as I do what your relationship did to her and Kendall—"

'You think that was my fault?" James burst, referring to the night of the blonde's breakdown.

"How could you say that? All of this was your fault!"

"All of what?" Logan picked his cigarette out of the ground, and threw it across the school yard.

"EVERYTHING!" He said, his face turning a sharp tinge of red. "YOU'RE THE REASON FOR ALL THE SHIT GOING ON."

"I don't know what you're _talking_ about!" James cried, through gritted teeth. Logan stormed off, holding back angry tears as the truth of what he'd just said began to set in. Everything was James's fault.

"_He says no. I'm sorry. Is there anywhere else she could be?"_ Logan replied, typing quickly as he dropped his back against a brick wall.

Kendall read the newest text in his car, his heart plummeting into the ground.

He thought before he replied: "_No. Thanks, anyway."_

* * *

><p>Kendall told Carlos about Katie at work that afternoon.<p>

"Jesus…" Sympathized the Latino.

"I wish I'd listened to you." Kendall admitted.

"No, bro—" Carlos said, soothingly. "If it were me, I would have done the same thing …" The blonde looked around, briefly,

"Does Logan work Thursdays?"

"I don't know." Carlos replied, caught off guard. "Why?" Kendall shrugged, returning to the conversation,

"I don't know. But no, I should have listened—"

"What happened between you and Logan?" The Latino asked. Kendall cocked his head,

"As far as….?"

"You guys are talking again?"  
>'Oh yeah. Go figure."<p>

"…How did that happen?" Kendall shrugged.

"He apologized."

"He…"

"Yeah,"

"Wow…"

"I know." Carlos was genuinely impressed. "And he stopped smoking, too. Which… is cool. I think he really does want to change, and I respect that."

"This isn't just because Jett told you he was gay at that party I wasn't invited to?" The Latino said, fully aware of the fact that Logan was still very much a stoner. It pained him that his friend bought the lies.

"Carlos." Kendall said, rolling his eyes as his face turned red.

"Wait…" The Latino accused, his face falling.

"No! No, of course not."

"Sure?" Carlos asked, unconvinced. He had a feeling that Logan had been looking at his friend differently since, though he was unable to decide if it was romantic, or not. The blonde's phone began to ring in his pants. He pressed "ignore" for the 15th time that day, as he slid it back into his pocket.

"Jett?" The Latino smirked.

"Mhm."

"Damn Kendall, you're like a dick magnet…"

"You're so sweet, Carlos. Thank you so much." The blonde said, sarcastically.

"You sure you don't like Logan though?"

"Yes." Kendall insisted, trying to convince himself first. It was a little exciting that his ex-best friend could also be into men, and the fact that their relationship was being fixed was also something to look forward to. Kendall sighed, wistfully. Maybe he was developing a small crush on Logan. He shrugged it off, as he looked to his watch.

"Yes! We can leave." He said, ripping his apron off of his body, and folding it into a perfect square. Carlos waved goodbye as he watched his friend walk out the front doors. He knew that Kendall was at the point where he'd believe anything he was told, and the Latino swore that if Logan hurt him in the end, he would do everything in his power to make his life a living hell.

When Kendall walked through the front door that evening, the first thing he saw was Katie, her face red and tear stained, sitting next to her Grandfather at the kitchen table.

"Kendall?" Herbert asked, his voice low and feeble, "Could you take a seat, please?" The blonde glared at his sister on the way down to his chair

"Where were you this morning?" He demanded, before he was able to catch himself. Katie's eyes bugged, as she moved her lips hesitantly.

"I've been at the hospital since the night before, Kendall—"

'What?" Kendall asked, his eyebrows touching. Their Grandfather rest his chin in the palm of his right hand,

"Kendall," He said, slowly. The old man was rarely out of his reclaining chair. The blonde sincerely couldn't figure out why he would be in the kitchen. "Grandma had a heart attack last night." Kendall froze; he felt Katie try to meet his gaze as he tried to absorb the initial shock.

"Oh my god…" He forced, his words slurred together.

"She's gone, Kendall." Herbert said, folding his hand into the other. The bags under his eyes extended all the way past his nose, and his flesh was baggy and white. The man looked as if he were about to heal over, himself.

"I was telling Katie, just a few minutes ago…" He went on, his words serious and filled with sorrow. "Looking after you kids was primarily your Grandmother's job. I'm very old, and I don't work as well as I used to. I think it would be in everyone's best interest if…." He sighed, "I just don't think I can take care of you two… by myself…" Kendall felt his heart skip a beat.

"But you don't." He replied, reflexively. His Grandparents barley paid attention to them, in the first place. "I don't know what you're getting at."

"I think it would be best if we found you two a nice foster home." The old man said quickly, staring off into the distance. "I can't do this on my own."

"But Herbert—"Kendall protested, launching into panic mode, "But Herbert, we take care of ourselves. We take care of ourselves, Herbert—"

"I know, I know, Kendall."

"And-and-and-and-" Kendall felt as if he were whining, though he couldn't seem to suppress it. This wasn't right. His Grandfather wanted to send his only living decedents off to live with strangers.

"I don't know how much longer I have—"

"Don't say that," Kendall begged. "Please don't say that." Katie watched her brother as quiet tears began to fall from his eyes. Though Herbert and Kendall had the most nonexistent of relationships, the blonde still didn't want the burden of another death on his shoulders.

"And Kendall, you'll be 18 soon. After then, you and Katie can get your own apartment and—" The blonde shook his head,

"No, no, no," He said through the small gap between his lips, "I won't—I won't—I won't be 18 for another year. You can't send us to live—"

"I think you two will be able to survive a foster home for a few months before you can take care of your selves—"

"But we do—we _can -–_ we take care of ourselves _now —_"

"Kendall," Their Grandfather said pleadingly. "I don't think I have too much longer. I can't take care of you two by myself. I can't go out and buy groceries, I can't make you dinner—I don't want you to have nothing when I'm gone. This way, at least, we can take our time and find you a good home before you can legally live by your selves."

"I can't raise Katie. I'm not her parent—"

"Then she'll stay in the foster home." Herbert said, blatantly. Katie's eyes were wide, as she felt her mouth form a circle.

"K-Kendall… you'd—you'd let me stay in-in… a foster home?" She asked, quietly. Kendall tried to maintain his poker face as he replied,

"You're not my responsibility."

"I'm your _sister" _She said, her voice cracking. Herbert held his head with scrawny hands.

"I can't. I need… I can't… You have to let us stay. Please, Grandpa, please." Kendall begged, using the word for the first time in his life.

"Kids," He tried.

"And what'll we do for money?" Kendall demanded.

"I'll figure out how to access the funds your parents put away for you—"

"Figure out how to access?"

"Kendall, please—"

"You're going to send us to live with strangers when we're capable of taking care of ourselves?"

"I just think it'll be better for everyone; You'll have less than a year in a home, and then you and Katie can go out and find an nice place to live, and—"

"I don't want to take care of Katie!"

"You don't have to—"

"Yes I do!"

"Kendall—"

"I can't do this."

"That's why I think a foster family would be—"

"_I can't do this!_"

Kendall smacked his head against the kitchen table, before storming down the hall into his bedroom.

This was too much… a foster family? At 17? What if he and Katie were separated? She was his responsibility, no matter how hard he tried to deny it.

And while he wanted her to be safe and happy, he couldn't act as her primary care taker… though hadn't he acted as both of her parents since the day of her birth? He suddenly wished James Diamond had never been born, as he wouldn't have been so reluctant to care for his sister had she not given herself to his temptation. Kendall brought his knees up into his chest as he sat on his bed, trying to even his breaths, as he decided to make his list of things that were good in his life.

He had a bed.

He had a floor

He had a dresser…

And then, as quickly as the thoughts were dissolving, Kendall realized he'd lose everything in the upcoming week. Who knew what type of home they'd be put into? And the fact that he'd have to find his own place to live next year; a suitable environment for a college freshman and high school sophomore? …And college. Jesus Christ, _college._

He'd be all by himself, even if he was given custody of Katie; who could tell what type of trouble she'd get into…. He'd never be able to do this. No one would be able to do this. He couldn't do this…

The blonde closed his eyes, tears touching his flesh as he realized how lonely he was. He had no one. No one cared about him enough to willingly step up when his parents died; not even his parents cared enough to stay around for too long. He quickly scrolled through his phone, sobbing into his sleeve when he realized there was no one he could call. He wanted to hear someone tell him that he could make it through this; he wanted t to be told he was important and strong and special, but he couldn't think of one person who would come to his rescue. He had nobody, and he had nothing. And no one would miss him if he was gone.

Kendall's breathing stabilized, as he dug through the bottom drawer in his dresser, and unraveled a pair of pants that was wrapped around his Swiss army knife. He popped the blade from its confinement, and held it to his wrist, his grip steady and confident. He slowly tore his flesh with the cold, silver knife, exhaling as relief flooded his body. Kendall watched the blood spill from the rip in his skin, pleased at the sight. He wiped the blade on his shirt sleeve, as his door cracked. Reflexively, Kendall threw his body against the door,

"You can't come in!" He called with an undeserved sensed of authority. Katie could smell the blood from out in the hallway. She held her nose as she pushed, anyway.

"What are you doing in there?" She demanded all her weight on the door.

"Why the fuck would you care?" Kendall returned, admiring his wound.

"Kendall! What are you doing?" The blonde loved his gash so much, he decided to draw a second right on top of it. He hissed in pleasure, as blood began to soak his clothing, dripping onto his carpeted floor.

"Kendall!" Katie cried, frantically. "What are you doing?" The blonde looked to his wounds, addicted to the soothing sensation. He wiped the blade on his sleeve and held his breath.

"I'm sorry, baby sister," He said through a sick smile. He knew now that he would never be able to handle what life intended on throwing at him, especially not alone. Kendall Knight was going to kill himself.

"KENDALL!" Katie shouted, tugging on the door handle. No response.

"KENDALL WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?"

"I'm sorry Katie," He said again, his voice hardly above a whisper, "I need to get out of here. I can't do this anymore."

"WHAT CAN'T YOU DO?"

"Anything."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, KENDALL?" She sobbed, falling against the door.

"I'm sorry, Katie," Kendall said, as he moaned from the pain of his third gash. The smell of blood was overwhelming.

The small girl was smart enough to know that her brother was far past his limit, though she had not the slightest idea of how to go about dealing with it.

"James?" She spit into her cell phone, after spending a few seconds searching through her contacts. After realizing she didn't know that much about her brother, she figured calling someone who knew him from passing would at least give her some comforting words.

"Katie," Replied the pretty boy, expectantly. He and Katie hadn't ended their relationship on a sour note—he intended on staying friends; making out whenever possible.

"I- I need help." She said.

"Look, Katie—" James began, pompously. He turned to Logan, who sat on the ground, with such a look of self-importance the brunette would have thought James was the president had he not known any better. Logan sincerely didn't know why he had forgiven the pretty boy so quickly after their falling out, that morning. He honestly thought they were over with, until the end of the day came by and James invited him over after school.

"I need help—I think my brother's going to kill himself. I don't know… I don't know what to do. I just—I just— I just need someone to tell me what to do. Should I call the cops?" James let turned to Logan, panic replacing his previously arrogant expression.

"I don't…one sec, I'll put Logan on," He said, shoving the phone into his friend's lap. Logan bit into his cigarette, as he put the cell phone up to his ear,

"Hello?" He asked, the confusion obvious in his tone.

"Logan?"

"What's up?"

"I don't know what to—I don't know what to do. I just need—I need someone to tell me what to do. I can't do this by myself, I can't—"

"Alright, alright," Logan said, tossing the cigarette into the garbage can next to James's desk. "Just tell me slowly—"

"I think my brother's going to kill himself." Logan felt his heart stop. "Logan? Logan? Please, please just tell me—should I call the cops? What should I-"

"How do you know?" Logan asked, reacting slower than what would have been ideal.

"I can smell blood from his bedroom, and-"

"What?" He asked, holding the phone with his shoulder as he stepped into his sneakers, hurriedly.

"I—He's cutting, now. I can smell it, and he's done it before, and he just said… he just said he can't do this anymore, and then I said what, he said—he said anything, and then he apologized, and I think he's going to try to kill him self—"

"What happened before this?" Logan asked, as he pulled the zipper on his coat up to his chin.

"Our Grandma died—we're going to a foster home, and he panicked, and—"

"Ok," Logan said, opening James's bedroom door, and preparing to sprint, "Ok, just stay calm, and try to talk to him until I get there."

"But Logan—" He threw the phone onto James's mattress, as he sprint down the steps and out the front door. James followed his friend's lead, ripping his coat off the back of his desk chair.

"You're coming?" Asked the brunette, as he slipped into his car. James took the passenger's seat, as he strapped himself in.

"Yeah." Logan mentally slapped himself as he backed out of the driveway.

"I shouldn't have let you talk me into skipping work today."

James and Logan arrived at the Knight's condo complex about 8 minutes later. Logan pushed open the front door, relieved that it was unlocked. James loitered in the kitchen area, and the brunette made a mad dash for the bedroom. Katie was sitting at her brother's door, her knees pulled tight into her chest.

"Thank god," She breathed, standing quickly. She gave the skinny boy a brief hug, and then wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"He's stopped responding, and the doors locked." She explained, quietly. Logan raped against the door, jiggling the handle impatiently.

"Kendall?" He asked. No response. Logan stared at the door for a moment,

"If you don't open up, I'm knocking it down." No response. The brunette put his ear up to the door, relaxing a bit when he faintly heard Kendall's breath.

"Please," Logan begged. He fell down onto one knee, and began to play with the lock, sighing gratefully when the door swung open

Logan's breathing hitched, as he walked inside; Kendall sat on his bed, in a literal pool of his own blood.

The blonde didn't react when Logan lowered himself, sitting beside him on the bed, regardless of the mess.

"What are you doing?" He asked, casually. He looked down to Kendall, red blood like paintbrush strokes running the length of his arm. His skin was raw from all the open gashes; some still bleeding. He brought his eyes up, and held in a gasp when he saw the trace of a cut run the length of Kendall's throat. To Logan's genuine relief, the cut wasn't deep enough to cause any damage, aside from a light scar that would fade as time went on. The brunette stretched out his hand, letting his finger run the length of the slice.

"Why would you do that?" He asked, softly. Kendall looked down,

"I wasn't brave enough to go any deeper." He said, blandly. Logan examined the cuts on the boy's arms; he couldn't imagine how many stitches he would need. It was like he'd fallen into a paper shredder.

"Why would you do this to yourself?" Logan specified, taking Kendall's hand in his, stroking it lightly.

"Because my life sucks." The blonde explained, simply. "I try and I try and I just get more shit, and I want it to be like this anymore." Logan blinked, sympathetically. "You know, I tried to write out a will… not only did I have nothing to give away, but I had no one to give it to. No one would miss me if I were gone."

"That's not true."

"My mom didn't care enough to stay healthy for her kids, but she expects me to take care of Katie. Katie has done everything in her power to go against my instructions, and ruin her own future, but she expects me to love her anyway. It's… It's like a never ending cycle of Kendall-dependency.." Kendall dropped his head into his hands, "I never get a break. Ever. And still… everyone still expects me to take care of them." He let a sad tear roll down his face. "No one cares about me."

"I care about you." Logan said, honestly. Kendall looked at the boy, his eyes heavy, a ring of red souring his soft, jade pupils.

"No you don't," The blonde sniffed, running his fingers through the pills in his lap. "Nobody does. Nobody would notice if I died. Nobody." Logan's eyes accurately portrayed the hurt he was experiencing_._ He brought his hands up to the blonde's hair, holding him in place as he spoke soft, gentle words,

"I would notice,"

Kendall closed his eyes,

"You'd get over it." Logan laughed, genuinely, making Kendall's eyebrows tilt. He brushed the blonde's hair out of his face, then brought his hands to the back of his head.

"I'd get over it?" He repeated, incredulously.

"Yeah." Kendall said, meeting his gaze.

"If anything ever happened to you," Logan admitted, bringing their faces closer, "I would never, _ever_ heal." The blonde scoffed,

"…You wouldn't even notice—"

'Yes I would, Kendall." Logan said, with more force than intended. He tightened his grip on the blonde boy's hair, and watched his soft red lips tremble in place. "The world needs more people like you." Kendall dropped his gaze, and shook his head vigorously,

"You mean more disappointments?" He returned his voice cracking. Logan grabbed onto the sides of his head, forcing him to stay in place,

"You're the farthest thing from a disappointment," Logan said, his eyes wet with emotion, his voice hushed with desperation, "You're incredible. Do you hear me? Incredible."

Kendall watched his friend's lips move, with sincerity like he'd never seen before.

"Logan…." He said, his eyebrows furrowed, "Why are you… that's not true… Why would you think that?" Logan hesitated; he didn't know if words could do the question justice. He moved in slowly, keeping their gaze intact as he bravely pressed their lips together.

"Sorry," He breathed blissfully against the blonde boy's lips, taken back by his own bravery. Though he felt the need to apologize, he had no intention on stopping.

"…It's cool." Kendall returned, equally dazed, his wet green eyes wide open. Logan laughed to himself, as he pushed his mouth forward, forcefully reconnecting their lips.

Kendall latched onto the brunette, immediately thrusting his tongue into the other boy's mouth as he threw his arms around his neck. Logan grabbed hold of his waist, pulling the blonde on top of him as he fell back onto the mattress. Kendall held onto the brunette, kissing him fiercely, as if he had been given a steak after a year of starvation. Logan pulled away only long enough to attach his teeth to Kendall's neck, kissing gently along his already fading scar. Kendall moaned, though pushed himself up before things got heated. He looked at the brunette under him, his eyes wide and curious. Logan brought his hands up, and lost them in his hair as he tried to bring him back down.

"What are we doing?" Kendall asked, his voice soft with shock. Logan brushed the bangs away from the blonde's face, soothingly, and tried to bring him down, again.

"No," Kendall protested, throwing his body up into a sitting position. Logan perched himself up on his elbows.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't… I don't understand why…." Logan shushed him, by gently pressing his lips to his. Kendall fell onto Logan, immediately pushing himself back.

"No!" He protested. "I can't- I'm just. You can't use me as an easy fuck-"

"I'm not—!" Logan tried to move in again.

"No!" Kendall said, throwing his legs off the side of the bed, as he rubbed at the rips on his arm, that were still trickling blood. "I don't…" Logan put his arm around the blonde's waist, using his other hand to bring the boy's head into the crevasse in his neck. Kendall staid there, tense and confused before letting his body relax. Logan ran his hand up and down the blonde's back soothingly, his head on top of his. Kendall sat up,

"Logan…?" He said, turning to face the brunette. Logan arched his eyebrows, his arm still around the boy.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." He said. "I think…"

"You think?" Logan asked through half a laugh

"Yeah." He said, "I think." Logan grinned, as he bit into his lip. Kendall watched as the smaller boy's eyes lit up, as if asking for permission.

"Why." He asked, his smile dropping.

"I've wanted to for the longest time."

"Why."

"I…" Logan sighed, his arm falling slightly. If he was ever going to say it, now would be a good time. "I love you." Kendall pursed his lips, as if to keep his mouth from falling open.

"Oh," He said, blandly. Logan laughed awkwardly, before a serious silence filled the air. Almost afraid of what the response might be, he leaned in again, touching their lips together delicately.

"I love you," He said again, breaking their kiss so he could wrap the blonde boy in a powerful embrace. Kendall hugged back, stunned by how good it felt, as he let quiet tears trickle down onto the brunette's shoulder. Logan pulled away, running a hand through the blonde boy's bangs.

"I don't know what's going to happen," Kendall said, wiping the back of his hand across his tear stained eyes.

"It's going to be ok," Logan returned, rubbing the boy's shoulder with light, loving strokes. He kissed up Kendall's neck, slowly laying him down onto his back. "It's going to be ok," He said softly, as he reconnected their lips.


	14. The Roberts

A/N: Hi guys! Tada; I'm not dead!  
>So yes. I haven't updated in over a month.<br>I seriously had no idea how to start this... I actually wrote most of it today. But FINALLY... Kogan.  
>Winter break<span> i<span>s very soon, and I promise to update everything before the new year.  
>THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE AND REVIEWS. PLEASE KEEP IT UP! IT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey," James said, sitting down next to Logan on the front steps of the school building, the Monday after he and the boy had hurried over to the Knight's abode. The brunette pressed his mouth into a straight line, then looked intensely into the ground between his feet, and sighed.<p>

"You know how Kendall's doing?" James asked, obviously only trying to make conversation. Logan dropped his chin into his hands, shrugging as he did so.

"I dunno,"

"Wanna know something?" James wondered, playing with the loose strings on his shirt sleeve as he spoke. The pretty boy dug a cold hand into the pit of his coat pocket, emerging with a pack of cigarettes.

"Sure," Logan said, dipping his hand into the box. He held it between his teeth as his friend rolled his thumb against a lighter he found in his jeans. Logan brought his head forward, matching the butt to the flame.

"I miss Katie." James admitted, doing the same. Logan wasn't surprised.

"You gonna get back together with her or something?" James straightened his back, pulling the cigarette from his mouth.

"The thing is," He said, matter of factly. "We were fine before the falling out with her and her brother."

"Sure," Logan remarked, licking his lips as he brought the stick back with a finger and thumb.

The pair sat in silence, watching the student populace flood in.

"Hey, Logan?" James asked, as the warning bell blared. Neither moved.

"Yeah?"

"Are you still gay and shit?" Logan seemed more taken back than offended by his friend's inquiry.

"I'm bi, first of all…" The brunette corrected uncomfortably.

"Whatever." James said, tossing his hair to the side, "Anything ever happen with that guy you liked?" Logan blushed, wanting nothing more than to talk about his kiss with Kendall. He couldn't bring the words up though, knowing anything he said would be shot down and analyzed.

"Nothing, huh?" James figured, flipping the cigarette box over in his hands. Logan tried to speak, though ending up shaking his head and shrugging. He shut his eyes longingly. Logan remembered waking up in Kendall's arms, the blonde's hold tight- almost desperate around his skinny waist.

The pair had gone to work together that morning, though they hadn't spoken since. Logan knew Kendall had to spend his weekend visiting potential homes with a woman from social services along with his little sister. He decided it would be best to give the blonde his space, at least just over the length of the two day weekend.

"Would you date me?" The pretty boy asked, thoughtfully. Logan's eyes widened, knocking him out of his momentary day dream.

"Uh," He tried, scrunching his face together. "Um… are you trying to tell me something?." James shook his head from side to side,

"Nah," He said, sincerely, "No, I'm not. Just wondering." Logan shrugged, somewhat relieved, though a little surprised. He expected the pretty boy to be bi... bi-curious at the very least; He didn't know anyone else who could match his level of flamboyancy.

"I don't think so,"

"Why not?"

"We're really close." Logan lied, "And it would be awkward making that transition from best friend into… you know. More than friends." James pursed his lips, thoughtfully. Logan squinted his eyes together, spotting Kendall Knight walking alongside a well sculpted brunette. He drew his mouth into a thin line, recognizing him to be Jett. Party host Jett. The Jett that confirmed James's theory about Kendall's homosexuality. Logan furrowed his brow, curious as to why the blonde would give the boy the time of day; hadn't it been obvious he wasn't interested? As much as he wanted to jump from his spot on the steps and lunge into Kendall's arms, knocking the handsome teen onto his back, something made the quiet brunette stay in place. Logan took a quick breath out of his cigarette, before abruptly pressing it into the ground, paranoia getting the best of him. If Kendall saw him smoking, everything could be ruined. Logan mentally shrugged; he just wished to God that he knew what "everything" would constitute.

"Really?" James asked, "You wouldn't be interested in me?"

"I don't think so," Logan replied distantly, watching the blonde as he smiled at something the handsome boy said.

"That's shit though." James said, bitterly. "I totally remember you and Kendal being friends, once."

"What?" Logan asked, the question not actually processing in his brain.

"You like Kendall, right?" The brunette snapped his neck. He looked the pretty boy up and down, biting onto his bottom lip as if to keep his jaw from falling off.

"No—" He lied, reflexively. James scoffed, turning from his friend to look directly ahead.

"Don't give me that," He said, with a tint of insult in his voice, "I saw the way you jumped when you heard that he was gonna do himself in." Logan felt as if his heart had plummeted down into the pit of his stomach.

"I would have done that for anyone." He said, quietly. He briefly questioned his own sincerity... Would he have done that for anyone?

"Bull-shit." James accused, blandly.

"I would have—!"

"Bull-shit." Logan's body tensed.

"I would have done that for anyone, James!" Logan spat, making no effort to contain his frustration, "Death isn't a joke. No one would have ignored a phone call like that..." The brunette felt his face flush, "You're telling me you wouldn't have done the same?"

"A person would have called the cops first," James replied. Logan hissed. This boy was an idiot.

"Called the cops?" He replied, a light red engulfing his generally pasty complexion. "So they could take him away in a stray jacket?" Logan's breathing hitched, "So I could never see him again?"

"You didn't call the cops?" James asked, his eyes heavy with a severity Logan hadn't known to exist.

"Didn't I just say that?"

"Yeah... but like... after. After you got there, you still didn't call the cops?" James asked, with genuine surprise. He'd left before it had begun to get dark, leaving Logan to find his own way home. He'd expected his friend would know how to approach the situation, having an intense interest in the medical world and human body.

The brunette was quiet.

"Logan... he needs help. You don't know how to help him-"

"I helped him," He said, too quickly. "I staid with him. I cleaned up his cuts-"

"He tried to kill himself." James explained, startled that his friend had been so ignorant. "You can't... Logan," The pretty boy breathed, "I know I'm not really one for right and wrong, but you should have called someone. Even a hotline or something-"

"They would have taken him away!"

"To get help." James said, his voice soft and serious. "Logan, that's not really something you can sweep under the carpet... He tried to kill himself."

"But I could help him." Logan returned, slowly. Was James right? Was it selfish for him to have kept the incident to himself? Sure; Logan had effectively tended to the blonde's cuts, wrapping them up, as none really required stitching. Logan listened to Kendall and offered soothing words. But was it enough?

"Would you have done the same for me?" James asked, seriously. Logan was taken back by the question. He opened his mouth to reply, though pursed his lips instantly, as the answer came to the surface. He knew he wouldn't have. If someone had let him know that James was contemplating suicide, he would have panicked. Sure, he would have wanted to go to James- to comfort him, though after a brief internal debate, he'd realize that the best option would be to pass the problem onto a professional. James would probably be taken away, and kept in a rehabilitation center until deemed stable enough to reenter society. While Logan would have felt a nagging guilt at his inability to directly comfort his friend, the fact that he had saved his life by alerting someone who's job it was to deal with suicide would have left him feeling proud and reliable. The brunette never would have tried to fix the situation himself... Though with Kendall, it seemed different. He felt as if he sincerely had the ability help the broken boy. Logan felt that if he were able to fix Kendall to some degree, he would, in the process, be fixing himself.

No. He wouldn't have done the same for James. He voiced his opinion, turning to James with heavy eyes.

"You wouldn't have," The pretty boy repeated. "You would have gotten me actual help."

Logan's face paled before he turned his head, staring intensely into the opposite direction.

"I didn't do it to be selfish; I did it because I knew I could help him."

"That's selfish." James pressed on, curious to see how much he could get out of the boy.

"I know." Logan admitted, miserably. An accomplished smile ripped across James's face.

'I knew it!" He exclaimed, fighting the urge to jump onto his heels. Logan rolled his eyes, tiredly.

"It doesn't matter.

"So find someone else." James suggested, instantly falling back into his obnoxious demeanor.

"I can't." Logan said. He watched miserably as the handsome customer draped his arm around the blonde boy's shoulder. James cocked his head, following his friend's gaze, running his eyes up and down the attractive blonde.

"He's not even that handsome." He said pompously, bringing the lit cigarette back up to his lips.

Kendall shrugged, as Jett lay his book bag on the grass, and pushed his bottom into the stone wall behind them.

"So she's nice?" He asked of Camille Roberts, brushing a hand through his long yellow hair. Starting the day Jett and Kendall had kissed, the horny customer wouldn't let up on pursuing the attractive blonde. As the days progressed, as did their friendship; they even started to hang out before school hours. They talked every day, and got along easily. While Jett hinted more than subtly towards the fact that he would like to turn their current relationship into something more, Kendall was just glad to have a new friend, as that was all he could deal with at the moment.

"The nicest." Jett smiled, bearing a clean row of straight teeth. "You'll learn to love her. I've literally known her forever, and she lives right near me, so I could totally come by all the time." Kendall laughed, as Jett pulled himself higher, taking a seat on the wall.

"I don't know if I could deal with having you as a neighbor." The blonde teased, "I don't generally tolerate people of your kind," Jett faked offense, as he threw one hand over his mouth, the other sitting on his hip.

"Is it because I'm down right fabulous?" He asked, "Or you do you have a problem with faggots?"

"I'm intimidated by your fabulousity." Kendall admitted, with a laugh. Jett wrapped his hands around Kendall's waist, and pulled him in between his open legs.

"It's ok, Kendall," He cried, hugging him tight from behind, "I know you hate me cause you aint me," Kendall turned his body to lay his hands on the flamboyant boy's shoulders. Jett kept his grip on the skinny boy's hips, his smile becoming serious when their wide eyes met.

"What are you thinking about?" Jett asked, with a sincere curiousity. Kendall shrugged,

"I'm nervous."

"The Roberts are too sweet. I'm sure you'll love them." Kendall felt his smile drop, somewhat.

The Roberts, the third foster family they had interviewed, had been the one social services deemed most suitable for the Knight siblings.

_"I like them." Katie said._

_"Kendall?" Kelly Weignright, the service worker asked, as she watched the pair from behind her desk the Saturday before today. Kendall shrugged._

_"They don't suck." He said, perfectly aware of how reluctant he sounded. The day after Herbert Knight had decided to shift the care of his Grandchildren over to a foster family, Kendall and Katie were picked up by a service worker; Katie at a friend's house, Kendall at work. Over the weekend, couples came in to talk to the pair in the social service office, and they would have anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour to get to know each other. Kendall didn't speak much, though Katie was strangely enthusiastic throughout the interview process._

_"I really like them." Kelly opinionated, looking over their paperwork._

_The process had been much faster than that of what Kendall had anticipated. Later that same Sunday, the siblings had packed up and moved to the Robert's house._

_"Hi!" Kelly was the first to speak, a hand on each Knight sibling as Mrs. Roberts flung the door open._

_"Hi kids," She greeted, with a sincere smile. Kendall pursed his lips, and Katie smiled politely. The four sat down at the kitchen table, as Mr. Roberts made tea. Kelly staid for most of Sunday and dinner, leaving only before the kids went to sleep; Katie in Camille's room, and Kendall left to occupy the guest room. Kendall left for school the moment his alarm sounded, terrified of staying in the house for too long. _

"It's still a foster family…" Kendall said, blinking back to life.

"Yeah…" Jett said, sympathetically. Kendall laughed.

"That's all you can say? Those are your brilliant words of wisdom and comfort?" Jett shrugged,

"Hey. I'm pretty... isn't that enough?" The blonde sighed in reluctant agreement. Logan observed from a distance as Jett took the blonde's hands, and brought them up to his lips, kissing them delicately. Kendall's body tensed at the contact, though the handsome boy pretended not to notice.

"I'm here for you, and I will be throughout everything." He promised, the sincerity in his voice almost overwhelming. Kendall cringed, the words having the opposite of their intended effect.

"Uh.. thanks," He replied uncomfortably, pulling his hands back, then dropping them at his side. Jett smiled sadly.

"And one day," He went on, an under lying arrogance in his tone. "I'm going to kiss you, and you won't shy away." Kendall laughed, awkwardly.

"That's not something I can think about now..." He replied, honestly.

"One day." Jett repeated, through a confident smirk. Kendall felt his stomach churn. He wasn't looking forward to the day Jett found out about Logan, and the sparks that shot up his spine when they had kissed the other night. He tilted his head, and as if on que, Logan turned away, pretending he hadn't heard every word the pair had exchanged. The brunette walked into the school building as the second bell rang, his blood broiling, his heart stuck in the pit of his stomach. He could hardly keep his eyes open, his anger so blinding. He walked straight into the bathroom, deciding he'd spend the rest of the day in a stall as jealous tears began to run the length of his face. Even as terrible as the boy felt, he had to keep reminding himself that the pain he was experiencing was nothing in comparison to the heart break he'd inflicted upon Kendall Knight over the past few years.

"Hey," Kendall said later that evening as he walked past Logan, who was hard at work bagging groceries for an elderly man. The brunette's eyes bugged, as he almost dropped a carton of eggs, so surprised to see the handsome blonde approaching the empty register. Silently, he cursed the fact that Carlos was in the back room today, as he was in no mood to face Kendall. At least not yet. The blonde could sense the discomfort in the smaller boy's eyes, and frowned.

"Everything good?"

"Yeah," Logan returned, "Hi." Kendall walked behind his counter, pulling a book out of his backpack and then laying it neatly against the register. Logan finished bagging the man's groceries, trying to ward off the sudden wave of guilt and regret and frustration and fear. Had James been right about Logan being selfish? Would he lose his chance with Kendall to the horny party host?

He sighed, trying to refocus his thoughts.

"How are you feeling?" The brunette asked, feebly. Kendall dipped his head, as if he were thinking hard about the question.

"I'm better," He returned, evevntaully. "Really busy weekend though." Logan couldn't prevent the sudden pang of paranoia that engulfed his brain. What did "busy" mean?

"I met with like, seven couples this weekend." Kendall responded to the brunette's questioning glare. Logan grimaced, feeling like an idiot for forgetting all about the foster family search. _Right._ He thought to himself, grateful that "busy" had no connection to Jett.

"Did you like any of them?" Logan asked. Kendall pursed his lip as he casually relayed the foster family process to his friend. Logan's mouth fell open.

"You're already moved in?" He asked. The blonde nodded.

"Yeah." He replied, shrugging lightly. "I'm guessing they're pretty nice... Jett lives near them, too, which is kind of cool..." Logan tensed at the mention of the handsome party host.

"That's good for Jett." He said, the jealousy in his tone unmistakable. Kendall laughed.

"I guess."

"I don't like Jett." Logan said quietly, half hoping the blonde wouldn't hear. Kendall smiled sympathetically.

"I figured as much." The brunette drummed his fingers against his cash register.

"Do you like Jett?" He asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. Kendall laughed.

"He's my friend, Logan..." The brunette clicked his tounge to the roof of his mouth, doing everything in his power to avoid making eye contact.

"Do you..." He began, his heart racing as his insecurity over rode his sanity. "Do you like me?" Kendall pursed his lips, before he shrugged a second time.

"I guess," He said, as Logan's heart plummeted into the ground. Kendall _guessed_ he liked him...? Logan replayed the moment he told the boy he loved him in his head. He desperately wished he could read minds, as he had no idea how the words had been absorbed. He scrunched his nose, as he realized that Kendall hadn't even responded...

No. But they'd kissed. He wouldn't have kissed him back if he didn't feel something for him... right?

Logan bit into his lip, remembering the feel of the blonde boy's mouth on his; how perfectly they worked together, as if they had throughout their entire existence. Kendall had kissed back though- Logan knew he had. That had to count for something.

"I'm kidding, Logan." Kendall said with a smile as he recognized the stress in his friend's expression. "Of course I like you. Stop being a little girl." Logan felt his frown fold up into a grin as he recovered from his momentary paranoia. Kendall liked him.

"My self esteem was about to plummet," He joked. Kendall laughed, though the mood became serious quickly. He looked to the ground, then back up to the brunette, who's expression equally matched his level of severity.

"Did you mean what you said the other day?" Kendall asked quietly.

Logan knew instantly what the blonde was referring to, or at least Kendall assumed, judging by the deep blush that covered the smaller boy's cheeks. The brunette averted his eyes, before nodding slowly.

"I..." He said, hesitantly. "Yes. I did. Every word." Logan loved Kendall. He loved him so much.

Kendall smiled appreciatively, as if the brunette had just read the time off of his wristwatch for him.

"Well, thanks," He said.

The blonde turned his attention to a customer, who'd already begun loading the conveyor belt with various cake mixes and frozen dinners. Logan watched as Kendall scanned and bagged, his mind racing, his stomach in a knot.

No other person in the world would have... _thanked_ for him for admitting his love. Anyone else would have given him _som_e sort of reaction- even if it had been a negative one- it still would have been a reaction. _"Thanks"_ gave him nothing. Was Kendall really..._ thanking _him for saying "I love you"?

He sighed, coming to the realization that Kendall wasn't going to give him a satisfactory reaction, no matter what he did. He'd been through more than a person should ever had to bare in just the last couple of days, and the only way he could live to tell the tale, had been to shut down completely. Kendall had become a robot, and suddenly, Logan was hit with a wave of guilt that reminded him that he had been personally responsible for turning the boy's heart into a stone. He could have been there for Kendall, instead of adding to his pain. Logan heaved emotionally, and vowed that even if nothing became of the pair, he would never hurt Kendall again.

After what could have been an eternity of silence, Kendall's alarm sounded, letting him know that his shift was over.

"Finally," Logan said to himself, as he stepped out from behind the counter and followed Kendall into the back room.

"Are you ok?" He asked, as the blonde kicked open the door, surprised that Carlos was no where to be found.

"What?" Kendall asked, not entirely sure what the brunette was talking about.

"You just seem to have... recovered quickly." Logan commented. He wondered if Kendall even realized how cold he'd become; how shut down and isolated he'd made himself.

"Oh." The blonde said, furrowing his eyebrows, as if he were thinking about the question. "...Sure. Yeah, I guess."

"Good." Logan said, unsure of how else he could reply. The pair walked around the room a bit, collecting all they needed so that they could go home.

"Yeah," Kendall said, as he hung his apron on the door handle. Logan did the same, stepping forward as he waited for the blonde to speak. "I mean everything's... Everything'll be good now."

"What do you mean?" He prompted. Kendall looked the brunette up and down, suddenly aware of how close they were standing. He remembered the feel of the boy's lips on his, and the sparks that shot up his spine when their hands intertwined. The memory overwhelmed any sense of reason or logic he had possessed-

"Um," He said, genuinely dazed. Logan pursed his lips, disturbed by the severity in the boy's expression.

"Everything's going to be good now, I think." The blonde repeated, slowly. Logan tried to smile, surprised at the subtle display of optimism. Before he could respond, Kendall lunged forward, sloppily forcing their lips together. The brunette gasped in surprise, as the blonde brought his hands up, tangling them in his spiked brown hair.

"Kmmfh!" Logan fell back against the wall of the small room, taking the bigger boy with him, his hands finding their way behind Kendall's back. Bravely, Logan worked his fingers down as Kendall forcefully parted his friend's lips, their teeth clashing as they fought for dominance. The blonde won, letting a victorious moan escape his open mouth, as the brunette sunk his finger nails into the bigger boy's ass. After a few breathless moments, Kendall pulled away, and latched onto the boy's neck, planting long, painful kissed along his pasty flesh. Logan whimpered in delight, his grasp on the boy tightening dramatically. Suddenly, the door knob began to shake. Logan jumped back quickly, the blonde's body still pressed up against the door.

"Hello?" Someone called from the outside. Kendall almost laughed as he stepped back, the door flying open as his small Latino friend stumbled into the room.

"Hey Carlos." Kendall greeted, breathlessly. Logan tried to smile, too dazed to react.

"Hey," The Latino returned, eyeing the brunette up and down suspiciously. "Why was the door closed?" He asked, turning back to Kendall. The blonde shrugged.

"Doors tend to do that sometimes." Carlos frowned, though shook it off as he hung his apron next to the others.

"I guess. Are you still driving me home?" The Latino confirmed, with one foot already through the doorway. Kendall nodded.

"Yeah, just give me a minute." He said. Carlos rolled his eyes, and walked away. The blonde turned to Logan, pressing his back up against the door as to secure their privacy. He dipped his head, a light blush covering his face. Logan walked forward, and bravely pressed his lips to the taller boy's forehead. Logan's stomach churned with guilt and excitement... He wished he'd had the courage to approach Kendall sooner. No. He wished he'd never been stupid enough to take Kendall for granted.

"I don't want to leave you." Logan said before biting into his bottom lip. The blonde grinned, and pressed their mouths together quickly before turning to walk from the backroom.

"You don't think you'd want to..." Kendall began, as he shoved an arm into his coat. Logan froze.

"Yeah?"

"No," The blonde said, shaking his head as he walked alongside the brunette out into the parking lot. "Nevermind."

"Tell me." Logan asked, his mind racing. You don't think you'd... what? Anything Kendall wanted him to do, he was sure he couldn't refuse.

"It's stupid." Kendall said, honestly wishing he hadn't brought it up. He would be asking too much of Logan, and he still didn't have the ability to believe the boy could care for him after all he'd done. It was stupid to trust the brunette- The one person in the world he was confident he could relay on. The one person he felt he could trust. Out of everything he'd been through, he was confident it was Logan who'd left the deepest scar, as he had personally hand picked him- unlike his mother or sister or Grandfather- _he had picked Logan_, and depended on him for stability. And Logan was horrible in return. It was stupid to try and forget years and years of hurt. The blonde almost laughed; it seemed as if his entire life revolved around repressing pain. Was that necessarily a bad thing though? Wasn't it better to push the hurt out of your brain, so you can focus on the good? The blonde closed his eyes, mentally scanning his "good things" list.

He no longer had his bed.  
>He no longer had his window, or his chair, or his floor or his sister.<br>But he had Logan.  
>And this time, he wasn't letting him leave the list.<p>

Kendall blinked back to life, turning to meet Logan's soft, brown eyes, that were flooded with longing and concern. He sighed, deciding he could deal with the rejection if Logan said no.

"Do you think you'd want to come with me? You don't need to stay over anything, but I could drive you to school and-" The brunette smiled, to the taller boy's surprised and relief. He sincerely didn't know how else he'd be able to deal with the dramatic change of scenery. The night before had been as uncomfortable and depressing, as he'd left for school so quickly, he hadn't given himself the extra minute to brush his teeth. He really, really needed someone else, aside from the sister he had detached himself from, to get him through the next few days. At least until he had adjusted.

"Yeah," He returned, enthusiastically.

"Really?" Logan nodded.

"I'd love to." Kendall felt his face turn up into a grin, as they met up with Carlos and sat down in the blonde's car.


	15. LOGAN

HAI IM NOT DEAD.  
>IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, but I've been writting a new story, and I've been neglecting everything else.<br>thank you all so much for your reviews and alerts! I REALLY APRECIATE IT!

I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter, but I hope you don't hate it too much.  
>THANK YOU GUYS AGAIN!<p>

* * *

><p>After dropping off a very confused Latino, Kendall escorted Logan into his house and hurried off to his bed room as to avoid introducing him to any of his foster-relatives.<p>

"Carlos doesn't like me." The brunette said as he sat on the edge of his friend's mattress. Kendall shrugged before he collapsed into his desk chair.

"Honestly?" Logan nodded, and the blonde looked away, "He thinks you're scum."

"I deserve that."

Kendall ran a hand across the still scabbing scars that lined his wrists. Though Logan had helped him to bandage and clean the wounds, putting his limited doctorial knowledge into action and doing the best he knew how, the scars still ached and stung against the pale boy's flesh. He knew that he'd just have to endure the pain in order to heal though, as there was no way he would go to a hospital and explain what he'd tried to do. The blonde pursed his lips as he remembered the incident; he never would have actually killed himself. He wasn't selfish enough; he knew the impact if would have on his little sister… on… wait, would anyone else care? Kendall froze. He'd managed to push the memory from his brain, repressing the recent incident to the best of his ability… at least until now.

Would he have actually killed himself? No…. He wouldn't have… But then again, who did he owe it to to stay alive? Logan? What did he owe _Loga_n? Maybe he _should_n'thave been such a coward… maybe he should have done it, and given the little boy something to cry about, after all the tears he'd inflicted upon his "best friend."

"Kendall?" Logan asked, ripping the boy from his thoughts. The blonde blinked, and then looked up at the brunette with heavy eyes, that were vacant and dark.

"Yeah?"

"Everything ok?"

"Do you think you could leave?" Kendall said, "Please?" The brunette furrowed his eyebrows.

"But… didn't you want me to—"

"I changed my mind." The blonde said, coolly.

"Kendall, I don't even have my car…" Logan argued, his voice weak in comparison.

"I'll drive you," He returned, standing and flinging a coat over his shoulder, "I don't mind,"

"N-no, Kendall… I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with you."

"I'd really rather you go."

"But…" Logan began, absolutely shocked, "…don't you want me to stay?

"No."

"But _Kendall!" _

"Look," Kendall said, lowering his voice, "I'm glad that you've come to terms with your sexuality, but that doesn't change anything between us."

"You… what?"

"Just because you like boys, doesn't change what happened between us. It can't be that simple."

"But Kendall, I love you…"

"Where were you when I needed you?"

"Kendall, I'm sorry—I always loved you, though—"

"I loved you too," He said, quietly.

Logan froze, "You did?"

"You were my best friend,"

"You're still my best friend—"

"Of course I loved you. You were all I had."

"No, but… Kendall! I'm here; look, I'm here! I'm here now, Kendall!" The blonde was vaguely reminded of the conversation they'd had at his sister' Bat-Mitzvah, though this time, Logan wasn't going to give up as easily.

"I don't need you now. And I don't love you anymore." The blonde spit, startling himself with his own cruelty.

"I never stopped loving you, though!" Logan said, trying not to panic, "I've loved you since we met, and I just needed to figure out what was going on… I was going through a lot—" Kendall balled his fists,

"Don't you _dare _say that. _Going through a lot?"_

"I could never talk to you about it!" The brunette screeched,

_"Why the hell not_? We were best friends Logan. If something was going on, you should have talked to me about it!"

"I could never talk to you about it, because you were always too busy feeling sorry for yourself!" Logan shot back, regretting the words instantly.

"Oh my god," He said hesitantly, as he watched Kendal's face fall, "No, I didn't mean that. I just meant… I just meant… I just meant I was also… I…"

"I never, _ever_ spent a single day of my life feeling sorry for myself." The blonde returned, over articulating each syllable, "I kept everything to myself, and I _never_ even dreamt about burdening someone else with my problems."

"Kendall, I know, I didn't mean it—" Logan felt the urge to cry as he realized how terrible he'd sounded; Kendall had never once tried to wallow in his own pain, and it was something he was so unbelievably proud of—being able to handle everything on his own. The brunette would have given his life to take back the statement.

"I dealt with everything myself, and _THAT _IS WHY I'M SUCH A FUCKING MENTAL CASE."

Kendall's' door suddenly burst open, and a small, fairly attractive young lady stepped through the space.

"Everything ok in here?" She asked, nervously. Obviously she'd heard the shouting.

"Peachy." Logan returned,

"I know you!" The girl exclaimed, not at all sensing the tenseness of the mood. The brunette looked her up and down, and then cocked a single eyebrow.

"You do—"

"We're in history together? I'm Camille."

"Oh," Logan returned, not really in the mood for small talk.

"You're friends with James Diamond, aren't you?" The small boy nodded so subtly, Kendall had missed it completely.

"Yeah!" She returned with a smile, "What are you doing here?" Logan looked to the blonde,

"I was just leaving."

After Kendall dropped Logan off in the supermarket parking lot, it was pretty close to 11. The blonde drove home, feeling like an absolute idiot for chasing the only person in the world who genuinely cared about him out of his home, though he couldn't help but think that it would be better in the long run. When he returned back to the Robert's house, he managed to tip toe past the girl and her parents—his sister and the family dog.

The boy closed the door quietly, and fell to the floor almost instantly, resisting all temptation to cry.

_Relax,_ he told himself, taking long, soothing breaths. _Just relax._

After a few more minutes of this, Kendall got an idea, and began ripping through his still somewhat full suitcases, throwing articles of the clothing on the floor, and promising to tidy up later on. Eventually, the blonde's hands were wrapped around something cold and small, and he was hit with an ungodly wave of relief. He fell down onto his bottom, his body tensing as he flicked the Swiss army knife open, and admired his broken reflection in the dull, silver metal. He turned it over in his hands, his heart beating so loudly, he was sure someone was going to hear it and barge in—

**_Beep. Beep. Beep._**

Kendall stuffed the knife in his pocket, the small vibrating noise sending a temporary panic up his spine, though he relaxed almost instantly when he realized that it was just his phone. When the caller's persistency became difficult to avoid, Kendall flipped open his phone that was still on the top of his night table, and flopped down onto his bed.

"H-hello?" He said, startled by how weak and shaken he sounded.

"_Hey Kendy," _Replied the caller, who's voice was sweet and melodic and instantly soothing.

"Hi Jett," Kendall said, feeling a small smile tug at his mouth.

"_My dear, I was just calling to tell you that I'll be throwing another one of my world famous shindigs Friday evening, and you are more than invited."_

"That's not for another 4 days, Jett."

"_I needed to catch you before you made other plans"_

"I'll mark it down on my calendar, Jett." Kendall said.

"_And please pass the message along to your lovely foster sister."_

"Sure thing."

_"Excellent." _After a moment of silence, Jett decided to start talking again, _"I just felt like we all needed an excuse to get drunk, what with everything that's been going on."_

"You're a real friend, Jett."

_"I know. Listen, as much as I love talking to you, I've got a shit ton of other people to call before it gets too late. I'll see youFriday?" _

"See you there."

"_Bye, dear."_

Kendall exhaled, then closed his phone and let it bounce against his mattress. It was nice to have a friend like Jett—No. It was nice to have a _friend._ Maybe one day he and Jett could have something close to the relationship he and Logan had shared when they were younger—no, they couldn't. Kendall could never get that back—especially after writing Logan out of his life entirely.

That was just how he did things, though.

Once he was done with someone, he was done with them forever. It was a lot less painful, rather than sitting alone remembering the good and bad and letting his heart wrench in longing. That's what he'd done to his mother; he hardly ever thought about her, and it was much healthier for his mental state as to not dwell on the neglectful caretaker. That's what he'd done to Katie, and though he had to see her every day, he'd managed to make it as if she wasn't even there.

But with Logan…. though Kendall knew he'd have no problem writing the boy out of his life, just as he'd managed to do up until recently, something made him want to remember. Something made him want to hold on to the fact that someone had once been there for him—genuinely been there for him. Someone had once given him a shoulder to lean his head against—to absorb his tears. Someone had loved him; _genuinely loved him._ Not lust, like Jett, and nothing obligatory like his Grandmother. Someone had loved him, and maybe he wasn't worthless, even if the one person who'd done so had been the key contributor as far as destroying his self image.

Kendall looked down, partially surprised to see that he had a strong hold around the pocket knife—partially surprised to see his lifeless reflection mirrored in the shiny silver blade. A glimpse it may have been, but the blonde still looked worthless—pathetic and worn. No one would ever love him again, he was sure of it—he just needed to confirm that someone once had. He watched as his hands took control, the blade pressing against his wrist, and a particularly deep red line was drawn across the scars from a few days before. He bit into his lip, stifling a moan as he brought the knife up, and then dragged it down and across in the opposite direction, forming an almost-box sort of shape. He lifted the blade, and moved down, roughly sketching a circle into the raw skin. The pain was just barley endurable, though the relief triumphed the sting, and soon Kendall realized that he was able to find pleasure in the dirty deed.

Breaking the already tattered skin probably hadn't been the best of the blonde's ideas, but when he saw the end results, he knew it had been worth it. He stood, a sharp pain shooting through his entire body, the blood pouring over his skin like a waterfall as he moved to hide the knife. He wrapped it in a pair of underwear, and stuffed it in a drawer somewhere; half hoping he would forget where he put it. Though it was his arm he'd wounded, the blood loss made him tired and woozy and he found himself limping to the bathroom. He stared himself down, enormously proud of the work he'd done.

He held it up as to admire it from a different angle, though the scars only read as "LOGAN" when the limb was held erect. With a semi worn looking towel that hung on a rack on the door, Kendall dabbed at the blood, which still streamed from his open flesh, trying to imagine how cool his cuts would look once everything had healed. Eventually, he gave in and wrapped his arm in some medical gauze he found under the sink and went to sleep, half hoping he survived the night despite his injuries, in hopes of seeing how the brunette would react when and if he ever saw his name engraved into the boy he destroyed.

* * *

><p>Camille studied Kendall as he ate breakfast Wednesday morning, taking note of his unusually pale skin and trembling lower lip. Her parents had let the blonde stay in bed the day before, as he could barley move, the ache from his cuts so excruciatingly, blindingly painful. Actually—they hadn't even noticed that he'd staid home at all, as they trusted the kids to get themselves off to school in the morning.<p>

"You good?" She asked, watching as the blonde dropped his bowl into the sink. He nodded somberly, and walked out the door.

"Are you going to school today—? Ok, leave too. That's cool." Camille sighed, somewhat frustrated by her new brother's detachment.

"Hey Katie!" The little girl waved as she dropped herself down onto a stool next to her foster sister.

"Hi,"

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"Do you know what's up with Kendall?"

"Kendall Knight?" The girl clarified, only half jokingly, "I haven't really noticed. He's always like this."

"No, no—something's up. You should go talk to him about it." Katie cocked her eyebrows,

"Haven't you noticed that we don't talk?

"…Really?"

"Yeah."

"But Katie…" Camille said, as they walked out the front door, somewhat surprised to see that Kendall's car was already gone. "He's your brother…"

"It's just a title. It doesn't mean anything." The girls climbed into the car Mr. Roberts let Camille drive to school—it was nothing special or attractive—just a fairly odd blue minivan her mother didn't need any more.

"He's the only family you've got," She said, making no effort to hide the frustration in her voice as she stepped on the gas pedal.

"Thanks for reminding me."

Camille finally got the hint, and drove them both to school without any further prodding.

* * *

><p>James and Logan sat on the steps, as they did every morning before the start of school. Though they hadn't exchanged a word since Monday, the other's presence was comforting. It reminded them both that there was such a thing as normal and retune, and even though they didn't particularly like each other, they would always have someone they could fall back on. James silently passed his friend a cigarette as he held one between his teeth and pressed it to a lighter.<p>

"Thanks." Logan mumbled sincerely. He really did appreciate James and all that he'd done for him, despite the way he'd ruined his best friend—

"I'm gonna go see if Kendall's here." The brunette said, taking a long suck of his cigarette before pressing it into the grass.

"Have fun." James instructed, vacantly staring out into the distance. Logan gave his friend a firm pat on the back, and walked off into the early morning throng. The pretty boy exhaled in acknowledgment, though it was too late, as the boy was already gone.

_Why Kendall?_

He wasn't even that attractive. His eyebrows were too thick, and his lips were too pursed; his hair was too unkempt, and he was always fucking _depressed._ All four of the times he'd seen him, he was just fucking depressed— and he tried to hide it, too. Maybe if he perked up, cut his hair, smiled for once and used a tweezers—maybe he could pass for something decent… but frankly, James just couldn't understand the appeal. He took a long inhale from his cigarette before pressing it into the grass, and standing at the sound of the warning bell. As much as James didn't like cigarettes, they weren't illegal—even on the school grounds— and he needed something to help him calm down before classes.

"Sorry," He heard someone say as they fumbled past him on their way into the building.

"Hey! You should really watch where you're—_Oh_!" When the pretty boy turned, he was face to face with Kendall Knight, who was looking much worse than usual. Now was his chance to prove what a good friend he was, despite his conflicting opinions. "Logan was looking for you."

"Ok," Kendall returned, nodding slightly. James furrowed his eyebrows, slightly disappointed by the blonde's lack of enthusiasm. He moved his eyes slowly, and recognized the boy Kendall was with—

"Paco!" He exclaimed, stepping forward and putting a strong hand on the Latino's shoulder. Carlos cringed.

"_No,"_ James corrected himself, shaking his head from side to side, "_Jesus_… Pablo?" Carlos scrunched his nose as he realized that the boy wahes talking to him.

"Um," He said, shrugging strong hand off of his shoulder, "Carlos."

"Right!" James exclaimed, "How the hell are ya?"

"I'm fine,"

"How long has it been?"

"A few years…."

"Yeah!" James returned, the smile across his face determined to stay in tack, despite the negative vibes the boy was sending off.

"Yeah…"

"We've got to go," Kendall cut in, his voice soft and unthreatening. He wrapped the arm that wasn't throbbing around his friend, and led him into the school building, and into their first period class, which was English. James sighed, though made no effort to move as he rubbed a hand across his upper body, an unfamiliar pain in his chest. Maybe it was the realization that not everyone was going to be happy to see him; not everyone was going to respond positively after he neglected them for so long. He pursed his lips, and turned back towards the front of the school, desperate to find some sort of outlet for the unexplainably sudden ache in his heart. Almost as if he was testing his theory, the boy set off to find Katie Knight.

* * *

><p>Logan ignored Kendall in the classes they'd had together, too nervous to actually say anything to the boy, so when they were both on cash register duty at work that evening, he really didn't know what to do. They both worked in complete silence for the first hour or so, until Carlos came out to talk with his friend.<p>

"Can you drive me home?" He asked, stripping off a pair of rubber gloves. Kendall nodded, a little over heated in the thick winter coat he'd been wearing all day in hopes of hiding his scars, more from himself than anyone else. _Out of sight, out of mind,_ as went his approach to everything.

"Cool." Carlos said, a little thrown off by his friend's uncharacteristically bad mood.

After he left for the back room, the brunette decided it was his turn to speak up.

"Were you sick yesterday?" Logan asked, genuinely concerned. Kendall nodded, avoiding eye contact as he pretended to play with his cash register, cursing himself for forgetting his book.

"Are you feeling better?"

The blondes shrugged in response.

"…Can I come home with you?" Logan asked, startled by his own bravery, "…I can make you soup…?"

"No,"

"I can take my own car…" The brunette suggested, growing unexplainably more confident with each sentence. Kendall shook his head.

"...And leave as soon as you want me to…?"

No response, but it was almost as if the blonde was considering it, this time.

"Please, Kendall." Logan said, stepping out behind his counter and crossing his arms against his chest, "I need to fix this. I can't lose you again."

'I don't need your help." Kendall insisted, his voice calm and weak—his face white and sweaty, "I don't need you,"

"_I _need _you,_" Logan said, not giving a shit about who heard, "I can't live without you anymore. I know it's going to take a while to fix everything, but I'm more than willing to try."

"How do you expect me to trust you?"

"I know I've entirely ruined everything we had, but—"

"I know you still smoke. I know you're still buddy-buddy with James. I know you still drink—do you think I'm stupid?" Logan froze, and Kendall found strength in the boy's inability to reply, "I know you haven't changed; even after you promised me you were done with everything. I saw you together this morning, and frankly, I didn't care. You lied to me."

"Kendall, you… you have to understand how hard it is…" Logan begged, throwing his hands against Kendall's conveyer belt, his eyes welling up with tears. As he bit into his lip, he took a better look at the blonde's white face; His eyes were dark and sunken against his ghostly flesh, and small beads of sweat trickled down his forehead, landing in the gaps made by his perpetual dimples—the small dent in his chin. Logan moved in closer, a crease forming between his eyebrows as his heart began to speed up. Kendall looked like death.

"Excuse me?" Said a small voice, coming from Logan's counter. They both turned to see a woman with a full shopping cart at the deserted register on the side over. The brunette sighed as he went back to his post to help the lady with her purchase, never taking his eyes off of the blonde.

"Where are you going?" Logan called after the blonde as he lifted the last of the woman's bags into her cart. Kendall didn't respond as he turned for the bathroom, his backpack on his shoulder.

"Thanks, have a nice day," Logan said hurriedly as he made way to follow the boy. To his dismay, a line had formed at his register—one he hadn't noticed before now.

"_Kendall!" _But the blonde had already disappeared.

He exhaled in frustration, and tended to his customers as quickly as possible.

* * *

><p>The blonde stepped into the first open stall (they were all empty—no one ever used the restroom in a supermarket) and dropped his backpack to the ground. As much as he didn't want to, he dug around until he found a pair of scissors that he'd taken from the art room that morning. He flipped them open, and ran a finger along the sharp, silver blade. In a moment of relief and tranquility, Kendall tore off his coat and lifted his sleeve—the one that wasn't poorly bandaged from the Monday before. He admired the somewhat scabbed over scars, and inhaled soothingly before he ran the scissor blade across his flesh, opening every cut that had tried to heal. He stifled a satisfied moan, his eyes closed tight and his lips pursed in a brief ecstasy.<p>

"Oh God," He managed. He drew a second line, and then a third, but the fourth had gone too deep, and Kendall gasped, the scissors falling from his grip and landing in a lustrous pool of his own blood.

"Kendall?" The blonde could vaguely hear the familiar voice in the door frame, his mind growing numb from the blinding pain in his arm.

"Kendall!" Logan gasped, watching Kendall as he fell to the ground, and buried his head in between his knees. The brunette quickly came to his side, slamming the bathroom door behind him.

"_Ow, ow, ow," _Kendall hissed, rubbing furiously at his wounds. Logan pursed his lips sympathetically, though he wasn't surprised that his friend was in so much pain.

The brunette leaned forward, and gently took his friend's arm into his hand, his eyes bulging when he saw just how powerfully the blood was streaming.

"Holy shit," He breathed, "When… wait, Kendall, oh my god, these are _new!" No shit Sherlock. _The blonde shook his head vigorously, gasping in pain as he did so.

"N-No, I-I-I—"

"Shit, Kendall!" He gasped, as he watched blood trickle from the fresh wound. "Why would you…?"

_"I don't know, I just did it_." He hissed. Logan felt his heart sink as he looked up and down the boy's arm, taking note of not only the new ones, but of just how many of his old wounds were infected. Logan felt as if he was going to pass out, but in addition, the boy was overcome by an overwhelming wave of guilt. He should have called someone the first time. He shouldn't have tried to help him.

He moved to the other arm, trying to stay focused and not concentrate on his personal pain. Right as he readied himself to lift the sleeve, Kendall hit his hand away, suddenly terrified.

"P-p-p-please," The blonde begged, feeling himself slip from consciousness "N-don't'." Logan shook his head, his heart hitting furiously against his chest as he finally allowed himself to panic. He wrapped his arms around the blonde

"I need to—" The brunette argued as the blonde struggled in his grip. After a moment or so, the boy's breathing hitched and his body grew limp.

"No, no, no!" Logan cried, tears streaming his face as he watched all life leave his friend, "I'm—I'm gonna help you! I'm gonna help you, Kendall!" Logan held the boy as he froze entirely, his eyes snapping shut and his mouth falling open.

He looked around, hardly surprised that the cheap store owner had failed to provide the only bathroom with an emergency first aid kid.

"I'm gonna help you," He promised, as he lay Kendall across the floor, his mind running too fast to form coherent thoughts. Taking advantage of the opportunity, he lifted the blonde's sleeve, hardly surprised to see that his friend had attempted to cover up his previous scars with tape and medical gauze. HE didn't even bother to take them off, only assuming the worst was underneath.

He could improvise. He could wrap his new cuts up with toilet paper and—No. There was no way he could do this on his own; especially not without the proper equipment. He couldn't help Kendall. At least not on his own….

_I'm being selfish,_ Logan realized, as he watched the blood trickle from Kendall's lifeless body onto the cold, tiled floor.

He dug around in his pocket, before finding his cell phone, and stabbing the numbers 911 into the keypad as he held his breath.


	16. Still Friends?

_**A/N: I cannot believe how long it took me to update this; first off, I'd like to say that I really didn't think anyone was reading this, and I'd sort of lost where I was going with the story, but I recently started to get emails letting me know that people were commenting months after the last chapter and favoriting and alerting and THAT MADE ME FEEL SO SPECIAL. so thank you so much for being so nice and sticking with this, and enjoy the next chapter! **_

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Kendall!" Mrs. Robert's sweet voice sing-songed as she pushed through the heavy, white door that led to her foster son's room. Kendall's head shot up, a faint smile tearing across his perpetually monotoned expression. For a moment, he internally debated on whether or not to stand, though eventually compromised by kicking his feet off the edge of the hospital bed.<p>

"I brought flowers," she continued, stepping farther into the room and then extending her hands as to reveal a colorful, potted plant, "I wanted to bring you something to eat, but the nurses said it wouldn't be a good idea. So..." she gently plopped the pot onto the boy's colorless bedside table, "...flowers!" Kendall reached out to run his fingers along the ceramic pot, that was surprisingly cold against his skin.

"Thank you." He replied, looking up to meet his foster mother's warm brown eyes. He was genuinely touched by the gesture- both the flowers, and the fact that she hadn't shown her receipt to Kelly Weinwright and tried to return him to child services after he'd been admitted to the juvenile psychiatric ward of the local hospital.

Four days ago, Kendall awoke in an unusually comfortable bed in a bland room. Understandably, his first instinct had been to close his eyes and try to wake again. After the attempt landed him in the same position, he'd concluded that he wasn't dreaming, and forced himself to try and make sense of his new surroundings. Not only were both his arms bandaged, but long, thin tubes stuck out from underneath the gauze and ended at an I.V stand just beside the bed. One was flowing with a splashy red liquid, the other, a colorless solution that could have been anything from water to unicorn tears. Kendall groaned and shut his eyes in a last attempt to wake himself from what he now knew wasn't a dream.

A doctor walked in maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour later; by this point, Kendall had no concept of time. He tried to listen as the professional individual read big words off a clipboard, though his head was pounding and his arm was throbbing and the room was spinning and he was in no mood to _listen,_ actually.

By noon, Kendall was up and moving, now understanding that he'd been placed in the Emergency psychiatry ward after a suicide attempt. His phone had disappeared and he didn't know where to look for the clothes he'd arrived in, now in only his boxer shorts and a hospital gown. To occupy the time, Kendall had unraveled some of his gauze, feeling very much like the mummies he'd been learning about in history class, and counted out about 27 stitches in a single arm. He then stopped to cringe when he realized it was still very much possible to make out his ex-best friend's name in the raw skin. That was when he fell into an arm chair and buried his face into his open palms in genuine exasperation. This had not been the intended outcome.

"How are you feeling?" Mrs. Roberts asked carefully as she lowered her body into the arm chair by the window. Kendall pursed his lips and nodded.

"Fine, thank you."

After four days of careful observation, it was deemed that Kendall no longer needed to be in Emergency care, and was moved to the Juvenile ward, where visitors were welcomed during specific hours of the day. The blonde felt stupid, opposed to relieved. He hated being watched and observed and talked to and fed. He hated other people taking care of him; he was the one who was supposed to care for everyone else. He hated that they had to.

Kendall looked to the middle aged woman, and watched for her smile to falter even a little bit. As badly as he wanted to ask when she'd be leaving- when the words, _"I'm sorry, but I can't do this,"_ or_ "You don't deserve to live in my house_" would surface- he didn't, as he genuinely appreciated her company. There was no way she'd stick around- there was no way anyone would want a depressed and suicidal stranger living in their guest room. This being the case, Kendall tried to keep his eyes open and absorb as much of the woman's presence as he could, saving it for a time when he'd inevitably find himself alone again.

"Mom?" The door cracked open, and half of Camille Robert's face was visible behind the door. Kendall furrowed his eyebrows, not entirely sure whether or not his mind was playing tricks.

"Kendall!" She exclaimed, meeting the blonde boy's eyes before throwing her hands to the side and sprinting forward.

Kendall stood to give the girl a hug.

"Oomph!" He exclaimed, as she wrapped her arms around his waist. Kendall hugged back, surprised by how long the embrace lasted.

"I'm glad you're okay," She said through a smile. The blonde laughed, surprised by the girl's genuine concern.

"Thanks for coming," He said, honestly. Camille pulled back to show her foster brother the sweet, happy-go-lucky-despite-the-circumstances smile that perfectly matched her mothers.

"We just want you to get better," She said, ruffling his yellow hair with her hand. Kendall grinned and didn't argue when she draped her arm around his waist, and then turned to face the door expectantly. The blonde followed her eyes, slightly confused when he realized she was looking at a blank slate of wall. He almost said something, though right as he opened his mouth the door cracked slightly, and a small figure nervously poked it's head into the room. Kendall pursed his lips and then turned to face Camille, who was now looking to her mother.

"It's ok, Katie, you can come in." Said Mrs. Roberts, walking forward to help her foster daughter. She grabbed the girl by the shoulder and gently forced her into the room, who's head hung sheepishly. Kendall felt his breath catch in his throat as he tried to turn away, but his eyes wouldn't listen as they continued to bare into his baby sister's bright brown orbs. His heart began to crumble as the girl approached him with the utter most reluctance, guilt ruiden and miserable- a clear contrast to the sharp and quick Katie he'd seen only weeks in advance.

They watched each other for several moments before Katie's lips expanded and the words leaked like fluid from her open mouth- "Kendall, you can't even_ begin_ to understand,"- but whether it was an apology or a lecture or something in between, Kendall sincerely didn't want to hear it, so he took the girl into his arms and hugged her cautiously. Her apology or lecture was muffled by the fabric of his hospital clothing, though she took it gratefully and hugged him back, tucking her head into the space between her brother's shoulder and neck.

"I love you," She said, letting hot tears fall onto his skin. Kendall nodded, and then tightened his hold.

"I love you too,"

They staid like this until Kendall pulled back to admire his sister, who wasn't yet ready to let go.

"We should let Kendall rest." Mrs. Roberts decided, looking up at a clock that now read 4:24p.m. A nurse would be in to tell them they had to leave shortly, and she was determined to beat her out. As she walked forward to collect her kids, she gave Kendall a quick kiss on the head, before bending down to press her lips to his ear.

"I gave a bag of your stuff to the receptionist," She said, making the blonde furrow his eyebrows in confusion, "It's just some clothes and a tooth brush. I didn't think you'd be too comfortable walking around in a hospital gown for the rest of your visit." The last part of the sentence made Kendall cringe; "rest of your visit" implied that this was only the beginning.

"I told Katie to only pack you a few pairs of pants, some shirts, and a couple clean pairs of underwear" She continued, pulling back and rubbing his shoulder sweetly, "Hopefully you won't need anymore." Kendall smiled as he watched the three depart, mentally adding the Roberts to the "good things in Kendall Knight's life" list.

* * *

><p>James and Logan sat next to each other on the front steps as they did every other morning, only for the first time in their lives, both boys were at an utter loss for words.<p>

"You heard Jo's single, now?" James asked after a while, blinking into the sky. Logan shook his head from side to side, staring directly ahead of him, though no where in particular.

"Maybe I'll get with..." The pretty boy thought out loud, before stopping, finding Katie Knight in the distance. He looked to his friend, who's skin had since turned a sickly shade of white and green. After James heard about the incident, he told Logan he shouldn't have bothered doing anything after the way Kendall treated him in front of Katie. He said Kendall was just looking for attention he wouldn't get, and was pathetic for using the same stint a second time.

This set the brunette off and put their relationship on halt for about three hours... until James called again to invite the boy over for dinner.

Unfortunately, Logan needed someone-_ anyone_ right now, and it would have been poor judgement to bite the mouth that fed him.

"Dude." James said, nudging the boy with his elbow, less aggressive than intended. Logan pretended not to notice as he pulled his fingers through his hair, "You did the right thing."

"Mhm," Logan grunted, his eyes wide and sleepless. His neck was sore and there wasn't a single word lingering on his tongue; everything was surreal.

When he found Kendall on the ground of the disgusting store bathroom four days prior, his heart stopped, though James's words managed to replay in his head again and again until he found his phone and called for help, despite his sudden comatose. Then he watched as if he were viewing a movie or looking into the window of someone else's nightmare as the paramedics strapped the lifeless blonde onto a gurney and attached an oxegon mask to his face.

It wasn't real when he walked home that evening, ignoring that his car was parked in the store's lot, and it wasn't real when he laid sleeplessly in his unmade bed instead of going to school the next day, and then the day after that. He didn't talk to anyone until James called him the afternoon of Kendall's third day in the hospital after an aria of rumors had hit the school grounds.

"Is it true that his throat was slashed after he fought off a gang outside of that little mini mart downtown?" asked the pretty boy, launching into it without any precursor with more curiosity than actual concern. Though social queues weren't his forte, James swore he heard his best friend's eyes roll from over the phone.

"Where the_ fuck_ did you hear that _bull shit_?" had been the prelude to Logan's long, tear jerking retelling of the story he hadn't accepted as truth until this moment.

Then came the, "and you saw how he almost _killed_ me? And didn't we go through this like, twice already? It's Kendall this and Kendall that. Seriously, Logan, he's pathetic," followed by a "you don't know anything; never talk to me again you cock faced fuck-up. You're the reason why he did this, James," which ended with a, "Dude, lets just forget it. You wanna come over for fish sticks?" To his credit, James had managed to drag his friend to school the next day, which was the reason why he was dripping with discomfort as he sat next to said boy on their usual steps. Still, the pretty boy felt little to no remorse for the brunette and his potential love interest. Just confusion and irritation.

"Hi Katie." Said James, lethargically. Though, "hunt down Katie Knight" was near the top of James's to do list at the moment, he hadn't acted on it yet, knowing just enough about social grace as to save his efforts for a less stressful time. He clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth, and turned to face his friend, who looked up, suddenly alert when he saw the smallest Knight standing over him with a semi optimistic expression. Katie waved in reply, understandably unresponsive.

"Is Kendall-?" Logan asked, so desperate to get the question out, the whole thing hadn't made it past his lips.

"Better," She said, turning her head down as if speaking to her shoes, "They moved him to the juvenile ward-"

"Really?" Logan interjected, his eyes wide and hopeful. The small girl nodded,

"He's better. It still might be a few weeks, though."

"Right." The brunette said, mentally revisiting everything he'd learned in the past about psychiatric care, which wasn't much.

"You can visit him between 2pm and 5," Katie said, responding to the question she read across the smart boy's complexion. Logan sort of smiled, and then jumped when the school bell rang.

"I gotta go," The girl announced, turning on her heel towards the building. Logan nodded appreciatively, and then stood.

"Do you want to go with me after school?" He asked hopefully. James lifted a single eyebrow.

"You think he wants to see me?"

Logan's shoulder's slumped, and instead of a response, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked after the youngest Knight.

"I'll go, I'll go!" James called after him in visible exasperation, before huffing and then marching off in the opposite direction.

* * *

><p>Over the next few days, Carlos, Jo, Kelly Weinwright, various students from Palm Woods High, and even the majority of the hockey team came to visit Kendall. Admittedly, some encounters were stranger than others; when defensemen Dak Zevon and Steve Mailbru came to visit, all they wanted to do was talk about how hot the nurse at the front desk was. Regardless, Kendall appreciated every visit, genuinely surprised by how many people took the time out of their day to see him.<p>

By the ninth day of his hospital stay, the blonde was ready to admit that he was semi disappointed to have heard nothing from Logan. He flipped through one of the notebooks the hospital had supplied him with, frowning as he took note of how many times he'd doodled the brunette's name into the margins.

"There are very few people who could look so good in that awful sweatshirt," Kendall looked up from his notebook, his face turning a dark shade of red as he made out a farmiliar figure in the door frame. Not the guy he'd been looking for, but close enough.

His friend threw his arms out to the side, though made no effort to move forward; "Come here."

Kendall rolled his eyes, and jumped from his bed with a surprising amount of energy, leaping into the boy's arms and relishing the tight embrace. Jett managed to place a series of small kisses along his friend's neck before they released.

"So," said the boy, bringing his hands up to tenderly cup the blonde's face, "nice place you got here." Kendall snorted in response,

"Thanks so much, I really try." Jett turned his body out and gestured to the room with the hand he hadn't intertwined with the blonde's.

"I mean it," he said, nodding his head in approval, "small windows, clean floors, new car smell... who wouldn't want to stay here?" Kendall laughed lightly,

"Very true. Can't beat that 'new car smell'." Jett nodded in agreement, and then turned his eyes down to Kendall's casts.

"When do you get those off?" He asked. Kendall looked down to the gauze wrapped around his forearms. The first series of cuts had been pretty badly infected, so he had no idea when those would be better. The arm that read, 'Logan', however, was probably scabbed up well enough to be unveiled, though for obvious reasons, Kendall wanted to keep the bandaging on for as long as possible.

The blonde just shrugged in response, "Dunno."

"You're probably the only one would could pull off that much white after Labor Day." Jett said, nudging the boy in the side. Kendall rolled his eyes.

"Did you come here just to bother me?" He asked, cocking a single eyebrow.

"Absolutely," Jett returned, running his hands down Kendall's sides, "and to tell you that I plan to kidnap you once you're out of here."

"Kidnap?" Kendall laughed humorlessly, flashing back to their first night together.

Jett moved his body closer, and then Kendall was stunned by how uncomfortable he felt. He tried to wiggle his body out of the stronger boy's grip- which he probably could have done, had it been a few weeks in advance, seeing as he'd lost a surprising amount of weight in the time he'd been here- but his efforts were unsuccessful, and he soon found himself engulfed in Jett's hairy arms and overbaring man-colone. The blonde's mind instantly returned to Logan, and a sudden pang of guilt made it's way into Kendall's abdominals.

"I understand how hard you've got it, Kendall," Jett said, pressing his lips up against his friend's ear, "I'm just not sure you know how... hard I've got it for you." Kendall rolled his eyes, though blamed himself for not having made this clearer in advance. He didn't want Jett. He didn't want to have sex with Jett, he didn't want to kiss Jett, he didn't want to watch the sun set and hold hands with Jett.

"Oh, I've got a pretty good idea," The blonde returned quickly, managing to push the handsome boy off of him with an abrupt shove. Jett frowned, though kept his hands on his friend's waste.

And it wasn't that Kendall wasn't into Jett; Maybe if Logan were out of the picture they could have worked, but for the time being, his heart was trying to hold itself together with thin shards of string after being stepped on and thrown to the ground repeatedly.

It just wouldn't work out; Kendall needed time to heal and Jett wanted someone now.

"Jett," Kendall said, softening his tone, "I love that you came to see me, but I can't give you anything at the moment." Before Jett could interject like his sudden gasp predicted he would, Kendall concluded quickly with, "I need you to be my friend. I can't deal with anything else right now." The handsome teen nodded,

"I can be a friend." He said, wearily. Kendall forced a smile, and then walked his friend to the door before giving him a hug goodbye.

Kendall was a bit surprised that the visit had ended on such a solemn note. He shut the door with an agressive wrist flick, moved back to his bed and tried not to dwell on it, which was the exact opposite of what every one of his doctors had been telling him to do.

* * *

><p>The next day was similar to the last, and the one after that, and then the one after that. Kendall actually felt as if he'd fallen into a comfortable routine; Mrs. Roberts would come by with Katie and Camille, and then the <em>Roberts<em> would leave, but Katie would stay to talk with her brother about life and love and everything in between, just as if they'd never had that temporary distance. Carlos would come before work each day, sometimes leaving school early to ensure a visit with his friend. In addition to that, various guests would come by; sometimes the visits would last up until 5pm, which would cause the nurse to come in and shoo who ever was there out onto the streets.

Kendall would then go to dinner, where he'd sort-of-socialize with the other patients- something he seemed to mind less and less as time went on- and then there were various group activities he'd be forced to partake in followed by a late session with his counselor to relive the day's festivities, and then lights would go out at 8:30p.m, though Kendall rarely went to sleep on time. Usually he'd stay up to think about the day he'd had and wonder what was going on outside of the juvenile ward. He'd think about Katie and his Grandfather and the hockey team and sometimes he'd write stories or songs or poems in his head, and sometimes he'd write them down in his notebook. He tried not to think about Logan, though he often found it was too difficult not to, and would find himself giving in to the desire.

This particular day began the same as any other, with Kendall's legs dangling off the side of his bed, and Katie's head in his lap.

"Maybe you could get it tattooed over," she suggested, gingerly stroking the gauze that lined his forearm. He'd just shown her the scars, and she'd resistantly agreed that it seemed as if, "LOGAN" had been branded to his flesh. "It's... Kendall, it's very noticeable." had been her exact words, actually.

The blonde pursed his lips, briefly letting the concept work through his mind.

"You've had worse ideas..." he admitted.

"And if you end up together, you can get his name tattooed _over_ his name..." she said, only half jokingly. He rolled his eyes, though the sudden rasp at the door was more interesting.

"Come in," he called, looking to the alarm clock on top of the bedside table first. Judging by the time, he predicted it to be Carlos, who he hadn't yet seen today.

"Erh… Kendall?"

The blonde turned his head, stunned to see the figure standing in the door way, despite having already matched the face to the voice. Before acknowledging the guest, he turned to his sister to see if she wouldn't mind excusing herself for a few minutes. Katie kissed the top of her brother's head before moving out into the hallway, awkwardly shifting past the boy.

"Hey Logan," she mumbled in passing. He waved in return.

Logan blushed as he walked inside, suddenly embarrassed by the flowers he'd brought upon meeting Kendall's gaze. He stuffed the bouquet behind his back and let it bounce against the back of his knee, then humiliated by his attempt to hide them.

"What are those?" Kendall asked, his tone uncharacteristically business like. The brunette felt his face drown in a deep scarlet as he slowly pulled the flowers up and out,

"Oh, these?" Logan returned, lamely, "I just, you know, maybe if you wanted to have something to look at, or smell, or... you know. I don't know. What ever." When Kendall didn't respond, the brunette began to panic, "You can just throw them out if you want. I can throw them out, it's no problem, I don't mind-"

"Logan," The blonde said, sternly. Logan turned back to his friend, his body hovering over the trash bin in the corner, "You can put them in here," Kendall offered, holding out a half empty Poland Spring bottle. Logan obediently shoved the bright yellow tulips into the plastic water bottle, and then balanced it against Mrs. Robert's plant on the night table, in hopes that it didn't fall over.

"They're pretty," Kendall commented, admiring the plant.

"Yeah," Logan agreed. He watched Kendall watch the flowers and then awkwardly scratched the back of his neck with a wide gesture.

"I should probably get going..." He decided, after what couldn't have been more than a few minutes of serious silence.

"Ok," Kendall said, not quite in the mood to argue. Logan did expect him to say something along the lines of, _"Oh no, don't,_" or "_please Logan, stay,_" so he couldn't deny that he was semi disappointed. Pursing his lips, he waved goodbye to his friend and made towards the door,

"It's good to see that you're feeling better," He said on his way out.

"Thank you." Kendall returned, watching as the brunette wrapped his long white fingers around the silver knob. Logan sighed, his reluctance setting in when he turned to meet the green eyes of his ex best friend, that were big and serious and-

Before he knew it, his arms were wrapped around Kendall's waist, and he was momentarily startled that he could very much feel the blonde boy's ribs. He was much more fragile than he was maybe two, three weeks ago, so Logan was more cautious than he would have been...

If you'd told freshman Logan Mitchell he would be partially responsible for putting his best friend in the psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt, he would have laughed in your face, and then given you a million reasons why you were wrong. As the brunette held onto his friend today, he couldn't shake the feeling that this was all some terrible dream, and that any minute now he'd wake up and everything would be back to the way it had been when they were twelve.

"Stop," Kendall said, pulling back lightly and then pressing his thumbs to the brunette's eyes. Before Logan could protest, the blonde quickly wiped his finger tips against his eyelids, down his cheekbones, and then left his hands stranded against the brunette's jawline.

"Stop," he said again. Logan sniffed, and then realized he must have been crying.

"Sorry," He said, unable to tear his eyes away from the blonde's.

"It's cool." Kendall returned through a sort-of-laugh. The brunette took his hand and ran it across his face in a desperate attempt to clean up, as the tears were now falling freely.

"Fuck. Sorry." He said again, bitting into his bottom lip and then looking directly into his palm, "...I just... wish I could fix all of this. You know?" Kendall shrugged in response.

"Yeah, I guess."

Before either of them knew it, their mouths were pressed up against the others, in the softest, gentlest closed mouth kiss.

"I wish I could go back in time and-" Logan continued, making no effort to separate his lips form the blonde's.

"You can't." Kendall interrupted, surprising himself as he hadn't meant to sound so cold.

"I _know,_ but if I could," said the brunette, swallowing the lump that had since formed in the midst of his throat, "I would have made you my only priority." Kendall laughed humorlessly,

"Thanks." He said, not entirely sure of how else he could have responded to that. The blonde move back and watched as a million different emotions- remorse, concern, guilt- danced across his long time friend's expression.

Kendall forced himself to think back to the conversation he'd had with Jett the other day, trying to remember how he'd phrased his incredibly polite rejection; for some reason, though, he was in no way reminded of that other encounter now. Jett had been energetic and hyper and ready and steaming with lust and passion and desire and sex. Logan, on the other hand, stood before him with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen, looking for nothing more than a bit of validation. The blonde sighed, going against his better judgement and forcing himself to relive the same conversation he'd had only a few days ago: "Logan," he began, "I appreciate you being here, but I need to focus on getting better right now, and I don't think I can deal with anything else at the moment. I just, if you want to be there, you need to be alright with being there, and actually being there. And just, I don't want to lose you as a friend; I don't want to risk ruining our friendship again, because it's so much to-"

Logan nodded with more energy than Kendall had anticipated.

"I understand, absolutely," he said, staying completely still, "I just want you to feel better, Kendall. I don't want to lose you as a friend, either-" The blonde laughed; hearing his same words from a different source made him realize it was absurd. Logan, on the other hand, was surprised and confused that the boy found his flustered attempts humorous.

"What?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"I just realized how ridiculous this is," Kendlal said, giving into his initial instinct as he grabbed the brunette by the neck, skillfully matching their lips and falling into a deep kiss. Logan accepted the gesture, gratefully swinging his arms around the boy's waist, pulling their bodies so close together, he felt the fabric of Kendall's flannel shirt scratch against his slightly exposed torso.

"So what do you think?" Logan asked after they had both pulled back to breathe, his fingers now laced behind the slightly taller boy's neck, "still friends?" Kendall shrugged, hands pressed against the brunette's hips,

"I dunno," he admitted, a smirk working it's way across his flushed complexion, "but we're definitely something."

"Would you be able to give me a dictionary definition of 'definitely something', Kendall Knight?" Logan tested, walking the blonde towards the hospital bed, fingers now intertwined.

"Theoretically," the blonde returned as his friend laid him down along the cool white mattress and worked his fingers through the small brown buttons that lined the taller's shirt, "but shucks, I only remembered to pack my thesaurus." Logan laughed as he straddled his friend, and then pressed his hands against the blonde's now bare torso, slowly working up to his collar bone before coming back down,

"You're such a dork" he said in return.

"Jerk." Kendall laughed, before their mouths were connected and the rest of the world blurred to nothingness.


End file.
